


Letters to Future Me

by Thatsmyphrase



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adoption, Age Progression, Alternate Universe, Angst, Art, Bisexual, Bottom Castiel (Supernatural), Bulimia, But also, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel is Not Innocent (Supernatural), Christmas, Chronic Illness, College, Coming of Age, Cute, Dating, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Diabetes, Diabetes Type 1, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Funny, Games, Gay, Good Parent John Winchester, Happy Ending, Hospital, Hotter than hell, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Illness, John Winchester Being an Asshole, Journal, Kansas, LGBTQ Character, Lesbian, Letters, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mutual Pining, Pining, Pride, Romance, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Sexy Times, Sick Dean Winchester, Skateboarding, Slice of Life, Soulmates, Strangers to Lovers, Stream of Consciousness, Sweet, Teen Pregnancy, Teen Wolf, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Top Dean Winchester, Top/Bottom Versatile Dean Winchester, Wedding, Wrestling, adult, artist!castiel, artwork, castiel - Freeform, cook!Dean, false, he does, he doesn't even go here, highschool, mental health, skater!castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 61,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25090180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatsmyphrase/pseuds/Thatsmyphrase
Summary: Dear Diary,Dear Dean Fucking Winchester,Dear Future Me,I’m not really sure how to start this, but my name is obviously Dean Winchester. I'm almost 17. I’m an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and I’ve never killed anyone.***Dean is diagnosed with a chronic illness and writes letters to his future self and just might find an angel along the way.
Relationships: Benny Lafitte & Dean Winchester, Cassie Robinson/Dean Winchester, Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Meg Masters, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dick Roman (Supernatural), Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Kevin Tran & Dean Winchester
Comments: 159
Kudos: 162
Collections: Hold Your Fire No Canon Required, Supernatural





	1. Dear Dean Fucking Winchester

**Author's Note:**

> Hellloooo. It's been legit 5 years since I started this. I thought that maybe since we were all in Quarantine, I would finish this story. 
> 
> Thank you to my Betas: Thisismeroy (Tumblr), Nottodayjjk (Tumblr), Make_your_user_a_name (AO3)
> 
> All other Mistakes are Dean Fucking Winchester's.
> 
> Leave a kudos or comment if you like. I try to reply.
> 
> Click on the Dear Future me for a poll. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellloooo. It's been legit 5 years since I started this. I thought that maybe since we were all in Quarantine, I would finish this story. 
> 
> Thank you to my Betas: Thisismeroy (Tumblr), Nottodayjjk (Tumblr), Make_your_user_a_name (AO3)
> 
> All other Mistakes are Dean Fucking Winchester's.
> 
> Leave a kudos or comment if you like. I try to reply.
> 
> Click on the Dear Future me for a poll. 
> 
> Enjoy!

****

**Tuesday, October 24th, 2017**

~~Dear Diary,~~

~~Dear Dean Fucking Winchester,~~

~~Dear future Dean,~~

Dear Future Me,

My English teacher Mr. Ketch is making the whole class write letters to our future selves. ON TOP OF ALL THE OTHER HOMEWORK HE ASSIGNS US.

What a dick.

So, in this post or letter or whatever you want to call it, I’m supposed to tell you what’s happening in my life right now. The next entries are just random thoughts and feelings or whatever... maybe stories and life lessons I guess?

He said the purpose of this is to look back on these letters in 10 years or so, and just read about what it was like to be 16. And that's nice and all, but it’s still a stupid and pointless idea and I don’t want to do it.

But, the good thing is he isn't actually going to read these, so I can pretty much say whatever I want.

Anyway… I’m not really sure how to start this, but my name is obviously Dean Winchester. I am an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach and I’ve never killed anyone.

I am 16 years old, but I turn 17 on January 24th. I live in Lawrence, Kansas. I go to Lawrence High School and I am a Junior. My favorite subject is Math and my least favorite is Art. I’m still not sure If I want to go to college but if I did, I've always liked fixing and building things so maybe something that has to do with that.

My favorite tv show right now is Dr. Sexy. Side note, Season 5 Episode 8. When Dr. Ellen Piccolo slapped the shit out of that new doctor, I felt that.

If anyone is reading this other than future me, I will deny it.

Anyway, I drive a 1967 Impala. I’m hoping Dad will pass it on to me someday. We all call her Baby. She’s a big part of the family.

I’ve been dating Cassie Robertson since May. We’d been flirting since January though. In class, we always laugh when Ketch says the word “bloody”. It’s the funniest thing.

For Cassie and my first date, we went to a park and just walked around and talked. It was actually nice. She’s not like my past girlfriends.

We’re supposed to go out on a date this Friday after my wrestling meet, but I’m not sure yet where I want to take her. Maybe we can just cook at her place. Unlike most of my family: I can cook. I think it would be better than going to a movie or something, and besides, her parents being gone is the perfect time to- you know what.

What else….oh, I know a lot of people at school, but I wouldn’t consider myself popular. I hang out mainly with my three best friends: Benny, Charlie, and Kevin. I live with my brother, Sam, and my dad, John, in Kansas; my dad’s a project manager for a power plant and my Mom was a dentist.

In November, it will be a year and a half since Mom died. It was in May when some idiot crashed into her on her way to pick me up from this group thing.

They never did find the person who did it.

Hope they rot in hell whoever they are.

They traded my mom's life in for a few minutes shaved off of their commute.

Lawrence named one of the streets ‘Mary’.

At first, we avoided that one intersection as much as we could, but we stopped when we realized that a lot more people loved her than just us. They even held a vigil that lasted for months after.

I guess being the town dentist had that effect on people.

Yes, and we still get the occasional casserole even now. Our freezer is full of them.

I guess another good thing that happened out of that situation was that we now have cameras at all the intersections in town. So, if something like that happens again, they'll catch the idiot.

It took Dad and I a long time to repair the damages. We ended up carving ‘Mary’ into the bumper.

That was actually Sammy’s idea.

For a while, Dad had his eyes on moving out of Kansas, but I think he realized that this house was a way to still be close to Mom and all the memories. She was the one who put up all the pictures in the house. She picked the house out and painted the outside banana yellow. Dad would always call it snot yellow when he thought she wasn't listening, but I think he’s grown to like it.

Since she died, he’s thrown himself into his job more. At first, I thought it was just a phase when he started bringing his work home, but this phase has been going on for almost a year and a half now with no signs of stopping.

So, I guess I should start talking about things that recently happened. Well, I just made the wrestling team, my friend Benny was the one who got me interested in it last year. You don’t really try out at my school. You just gotta be passing all your classes and be in good health. The training was intense at first but I pushed through. It took me a while to get the okay from my Dad and I worked a lot with Benny over the summer so I couldn’t just quit. It’s been good so far. Our first meet is this Saturday. Dad hasn’t come to any of my practices yet, but that still doesn’t stop him from giving me pointers. He didn’t wrestle, but being in the army when he was younger has given him an advantage I guess.

The only thing that hasn't been going great is the fact that I’ve lost 10 pounds since the season started at the beginning of the month.

I’m not really sure what’s going on.

I’ve been eating like crazy. Weirdly, a lot of oranges. Sam’s kind of pissed because he likes them and usually my dad and I don't touch them. Lately though, I can’t get enough of them. I don't know if this is related but I’m also always thirsty too and I’ve been peeing a whole bunch. I told Sam about the symptoms and he told me, “Well, don’t drink so much water, stupid.”

I wish I could stop, but I can’t.

It’s like I have this insatiable thirst that suddenly hits me and I can’t get enough water. Sammy got kind of worried after I told him that and told me that I should tell Dad. Honestly, I’m sure it’s probably my body adjusting to everything but... I can admit that it’s still weird. I’m not sure if I want to tell Dad because I don’t think it’s serious yet. It’s just annoying.

Oh yeah and speaking of Sammy, in the future, don’t let him con you into always calling him Sam. It’s lame, and he will forever be Sammy to me. I guess he thinks since his age is into the double digits, he’s all grown up. I’m definitely calling him that every chance I get when he’s a freshman next year.

I’m sure right now he’s hanging out with his friend, Sarah, studying for what I can assume, is another test. They’re two peas in a nerd pod if you ask me. Sammy says he doesn’t like her like that, but he and I know that’s not true.

He’s smart, but sometimes he can be an airhead about certain things.

Actually, the airhead man and he sort of look like each other. When I mention her, his face gets super red. It’s the funniest thing. It didn’t always use to be like that, so it’s why I know he’s totally crushing on her.

I’m not sure what else to talk about. It’s really weird having a one-sided conversation. Is this how all letters are going to be like? See, who's going to answer that, huh?

I gotta go. My Dad is taking Sammy and me to Tessa’s Diner for dinner. Best spot in town.

Rock and roll,

Dean.


	2. Rewritten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: DEPICTION OF PAST Eating Disorder. If this is a trigger for you, then scroll to the endnote and I will give you a short summary about what happened. Also below you’ll find some resources if you or anyone you know may be struggling with an eating disorder. Or if you would like to learn about different types and how to help someone who struggles with one. It's not just a female problem, males also have it and it may look different in different people. This is NOT meant to glorify eating disorders AT ALL.
> 
> https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/conditions/osfed <\----Talks about how EDNOS (Eating disorder not otherwise specified) is now called OSFED (Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders) These are the eating disorders that look different than the ones most talked about.
> 
> https://www.verywellmind.com/what-not-to-say-to-someone-with-anorexia-or-bulimia-1138326
> 
> https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
> 
> https://www.bulimia.com/ <\-----(Not just for bulimia)
> 
> https://www.crisistextline.org/mental-health/eating-disorder-recovery-one-size-does-not-fit-all/
> 
> https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/helplines  
> (See the end of the work for more notes.)

**Wednesday, November 1, 2017**

[Dear Future Me,](https://forms.gle/tqnoR75QwkT3K6p66)

In the last letter, I had mentioned that I had lost a bit of weight.

Well, that weight drop is down to 18 pounds now.

Dad and I got into a heated argument about it tonight.

We were having takeout and my Dad asked me how I’d been lately. And of course, I told him that I’d been fine. He then gave me this look and told me he knew that I was lying.

I had never been more confused so I denied it because really, I was fine.

His face got kind of red after that, and he told me that Sammy had mentioned that I had been losing weight lately. When I looked over at Sam, he was just staring at his bowl of food. I was gonna tell him that I wasn't mad at him, but Dad kept going.

He asked me outright how long it had been since I binged and purged.

I swear if the color could drain from your face, all of mine would have been seeping into my shirt.

I told him that I hadn't done it since last year even though I knew it was a lie. I left out the part that I had actually had a slip up six months ago because it would have only made him madder. I don’t think adding that it had been my longest streak would have softened the blow.

He brought up how I had been eating more than usual and how fast I had eaten at Tessa’s a few weeks back. He also said I looked really tired. Which, I admit I have been a little tired lately, but it’s because of the wrestling season. Not what he was thinking.

He said he wanted to take me to the doctor anyway.

Which was bullshit because my appointment wasn't for months.

For a little while, my Dad and I just stared at each other. Almost like we were waiting for the other one to talk. I knew it sure wasn't going to be me. I was so angry that my fingers are still a little sore from clenching them so tightly. When I knew he wasn't going to talk either, I stormed off to my room.

And there have been times where I have lied in the past about my eating disorder, but tonight wasn't one of those times.

It’s been a couple years since recovery began and I would like to say I’m doing pretty good now.

I can’t tell you exactly when it all began, but I know it was sometime after the Dean-the-Bean incident. I know I wasn’t the skinniest kid but, looking at past pictures of me, I was by no means overweight or anything like that. I did have a bit of a stomach and my face was still a little chubbier though, but that was probably the rest of my baby fat.

I was in 6th grade and Mom had just gotten me new jeans. They were a little bit bigger than my usual size and loose, but I just decided to wear them the next morning anyway. I didn’t realize when I got dressed that I had forgotten to take off the sticky tag. I managed to go half the day with the tag still on my pants until Abbadon noticed the tag. She ripped it off and showed everyone at the table my size and began making fun. Which was pretty fucked up.

She somehow managed to get a few kids at the table like Crowley and Lilith to start calling me Dean-the-Bean and it only took a couple of weeks for the hated nickname to start spreading.

Charlie was optimistic that the nickname would go away on its own. She and Benny stood up for me when they heard others call me it, but it continued to happen.

I was a pretty tough kid, but this went on for a couple of months. And when the 7th graders and a few of the 8th started whispering the nickname behind my back, something just snapped.

It was getting to the point that at lunchtime I felt guilty for eating. I felt as though everyone at school was watching every single bite I took.

Sometime after that, I decided to lose a few pounds. Besides, what could go wrong? It would make me feel better at the end, right?

Wrong, but I didn't know that at the time.

During the coming weeks, I decided I wanted to at least lose 4 pounds. Guess I picked it ‘cause it was an even number. I gave myself two weeks to reach my goal.

So, I started eating a bit less.

That meant I would never finish all of my dinner, breakfast, or lunch.

Over the course of a couple of weeks when I didn’t get to the goal I wanted in the time limit that I had set for myself, I was discouraged. So I decided to avoid the bread on my sandwiches and soon that quickly escalated to only eating the lettuce. At dinner time with my family, I went back to eating mostly everything else except the carbs.

Each day I would check and each day the scale would read the same number. I was mad at myself because I thought I had been doing everything right.

To solve that problem, I completely stopped eating for a day, only drinking apple juice and water to keep my energy up. The juice part was pretty difficult since Mom was a dentist and she didn’t keep sugary drinks around the house too often so I had to buy the juice from school during lunch.

I told Benny and Charlie that I had left my lunch at home.

It had just been in my backpack.

When they offered me some of their lunch, I almost took them up on their offer, but I declined and said my juice was just fine.

I was so hungry after school that day that I just ate the first thing that I saw: Oreos.

Mom didn’t usually keep too sugary or too salty foods in the house for Sammy and me, but that didn’t mean she had broken Dad out of his food habits. Oreos, Famous Amos, Chips Ahoy… well, really any kind of cookies, but Oreos were his favorite.

I ended up eating almost the whole pack pretty fucking fast. Afterward, I felt alright at first and I felt full for the first time that day.

It only took a few minutes for me to start feeling sick and I ended up throwing up.

I was horrified at first, but began to feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders… and my stomach for that matter. I felt lighter for some reason. I wasn't too surprised when the scale showed the same number I had seen every day.

When Dad got home, he wasn’t too happy that I had left him with five Oreos. Said something about teenager’s appetites or something like that even though I was only 12.

They were his favorite after all.

Mom just laughed and told my Dad it was a sign to stop eating them, and told me to go scrub my teeth.

So I did, for the second time in that hour.

I continued to eat just the lettuce off my sandwiches but I didn’t do it again—throwing up, I mean—till almost three weeks later in March.

Mom, Dad, and Sammy all wanted to go to our favorite diner, Tessa’s. I ate everything on my plate, and even half of Sammy’s fries and told myself that I would get back on track the next day. Our waitress ended up giving us free dessert that night and it happened to be my favorite, apple pie. I had eaten so much that I almost didn't have enough room.

Then I got an idea. After I excused myself, I went into the bathroom and waited in a stall for a moment to make sure I was alone. No matter how much I thought about throwing up, it didn’t happen automatically like in the Oreo incident.

So I stuck my fingers down my throat.

When I got back to the table my family didn’t notice anything off about me and I had room for dessert.

That was the night I began to spiral.

After that incident, I tried it a few more times until it became more of a regular thing. It was pretty awful. My throat and nose would burn for a couple of hours after. At first, I didn’t think it was doing much until I got on the scale.

I couldn’t believe it when the scale showed that I was 4 pounds less.

And even though I felt horrible after throwing up (I mean, who wouldn’t?), I also felt something else, for the first time in months. I was proud of myself for losing those 4 pounds even though it was a terrible way to lose them. So, I told myself that maybe, just maybe, I could lose more weight. Maybe 10 more pounds.

It was a bit drastic, I know but somehow I thought I could do it. Somehow I wanted to do it.

I didn’t lose all the weight I had wanted to, but I lost about 6 pounds which brought my total to 10 pounds lost. It only took four months of a mixture of fasting and the binge and purge eating.

And I guess you’d be asking, ‘How in the world did Mom and Dad or Sammy not find out?’ And I’d respond with: easy, I was always very careful. At school, when it was lunchtime, I would sometimes eat a tiny bit of food and then go to the library and do homework early (I know…) or I would read books (even crazier, I know). I would also try to never binge when Mom, Dad, or Sammy were home… well, not usually. If I did, I would do it in my room. I got really good at being quiet about it. I also started keeping a snack stash in my room for times when I felt like I needed them.

Since I was in middle school, my mom and dad let me stay home alone after school. It was only a couple hours so not that long.

There was this one day I came home from school and decided to eat chips and salsa and I wasn’t gonna throw up because I was just gonna start the fasting process over again but I just started feeling weird. And even though I didn’t want to, I threw up anyway.

Salsa is not nearly as good when it’s coming out through your nose.

It hurts.

Bad.

After throwing up, I walked out to discover Mom standing outside the bathroom. I was pretty surprised. It was early for her, and I hadn’t even heard her come in.

She said that Sam had gotten sick at school and she had to pick him up early and asked me if I was okay. I was so ashamed that I lied to her face and told her that I thought I had the flu just like Sam. She felt my forehead and told me to go lie down.

I had never felt so relieved in my life.

I had also never felt more disappointed with myself in my life either.

After Sammy and I had that “flu”, Mom began packing my lunch and Sammy's with an extra sandwich or an extra apple in both of our lunches.

I didn’t eat the extra apple or sandwich. I would sometimes give them to Benny, or my new friend Kevin. Or just toss them. I couldn’t risk sneaking the sandwich to Sammy because he would start asking my mom questions about why she had packed him three sandwiches and I couldn’t have that.

Since I had already lost 10 pounds, an extra sandwich or an apple, at least in my mind at the time, was going to jeopardize that. The kids at school had even stopped calling me Dean-the-Bean, and girls started talking to me.

I had reached two other goals that I hadn’t specifically set.

For almost three years I fed into that lie. I don't even think I had a real goal by then. It was just something I had to do to keep this streak in my head.

I would binge, and purge and occasionally restrict food. Nobody knew about this secret life I had.

My middle school years were literally flushed down the toilet (pun intended).

By that time, I had also started making these crazy rules for myself. Like I couldn’t eat after 10 pm or before 7 am. Like I could only eat bread on Saturdays, unless it was pancakes. That, I could eat any day. I had to also read the labels on food items, and I could only eat pie if I had done some sort of exercise that day. Lastly, I would never puke up pie.

No matter what.

Going into 9th grade was a bit of a rough transition. Plus, I hadn’t lost over 14 pounds since I had begun and instead of “progressing”, I gained a couple of pounds back. That was a low blow, and I began binging and purging sometimes 2-3 times a day. I’d go back and forth between times where I would throw up more, and times where I would eat less.

After a while of doing something every day, you begin to feel numb to it. I had to start using other things to trigger my gag reflex when my fingers didn’t do the job anymore.

Since I had started this… thing, I had noticed some very bad side effects. My skin was always clammy and pale after I would vomit. I would sometimes feel light-headed right after as well. I had also started to notice that some days, my energy would be completely depleted and on those days, it was hard getting out of bed. Sometimes I would also have sharp stomach pains too, but they’d go away fairly quickly so I didn’t think they were too severe.

Wrong, but again, I didn't know that.

During my routine teeth cleaning, Mom made a comment about some slight erosion, and I thought she suddenly knew, but she ended up switching the kind of toothpaste we used at home. She thought it was the sweets and juice I was sneaking, and I didn't correct her.

Some side effects weren't always shown on the outside where everyone could see. Some were so deep that they only showed themselves when I was alone with my thoughts. They were overwhelming and they came at me in waves. I felt like I was drowning. It made me wonder how I had gotten to feel so empty inside. Or if that feeling would ever go away.

It was a little after Christmas when I began to feel a bit more tired than I typically had been. I thought nothing of it because like I said before, it sometimes happened. But then, it went on for a few more days. I guess it was a little different than before like I couldn't even get out of bed some mornings.

I could remember it being the day before New Years; that morning, I had slept in until 2 pm. My Dad made a joke that I was going through a growth spurt. It was a little after Sammy and I started playing catch with snowballs, that I began to feel drained. I went to go throw a snowball to Sammy, and everything was fine until he threw the snowball back at me and I started seeing black spots. Then, it was like my arms suddenly stopped working and the icy substance hit me right in the face. Suddenly, I was on my knees and Sam was next to me. I couldn't talk or hear anything.

The black spots soon grew bigger until I couldn't see anything either.

I don’t remember much after that. When I woke up with blurry eyes, it took me a little bit to realize I was in the hospital and was in a lot of pain everywhere.

It took me less to figure out I had a tube sticking out of my nose.

Sammy’s red puffy face was the first thing I saw when I woke up.

I had passed out.

The doctor said I was lucky.

My parents said they were glad that I was awake.

Sammy said nothing.

And neither did I.

The doctor went on to explain that I had lost consciousness because of extreme dehydration and not getting enough nutrition. Also, I now had a mild heart arrhythmia.

My mom was pretty mad and mentioned the extra apples and sandwiches that she had been packing in my lunches for school and how “the refrigerator had been dwindling living with two boys.”

Sam finally spoke up and asked if I was dying.

That’s when I finally cracked.

I told them about what I had been doing for the past few years. I told them about the throwing up, the fasting, the exercise, and I didn’t stop there. I told them what happened at school that had triggered my goals and about the nickname too.

It was like word vomit (Alright, that pun was not intended).

After I was finished, everyone stared at me with beady eyes.

And you know that second after something’s gone wrong and where it’s quiet and you know that someday it will pass but at that moment, you wished.... no, you’d do anything to be in someone else’s body but your own, and you’re debating if turning invisible is actually possible?

Well… if that made sense at all, that’s what I felt like at that moment.

My family was watching me with these eyes that were clearly judging me and it reminded me of why I had kept this thing I was doing to myself a secret in the first place.

All their stares made me feel smaller than I already felt. Being in the hospital gown only made things worse. I felt exposed under those white lights. Like there was nothing left to hide.

I was diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa.

Dr. Walker, my pediatrician, said I was lucky that I was able to be treated early. Some people went years without anyone knowing, eventually causing more severe heart, kidney, and blood pressure problems.

Knowing that still didn’t make me feel any better.

I guess you could say recovery started the day everything blew up. Happy New Year to me, right?

The first step of the treatment process was to get my levels back to normal and keep tabs on my heart. After my hospital stay, I went to an inpatient program. That was for about two weeks, and after that, I went to outpatient for the next year. I still see my therapist Jody once a month which is an achievement because I used to see her daily, then weekly. I like her because she's not afraid to say tough things and to get me to think deeper. Those talks had some heavy shit in them.

I don’t think for a while I believed that I had a problem. Even though everyone was telling me that it was a problem, I saw it as a normal routine. I thought that since my body didn't look sick, that I wasn't sick. Which was dangerous and had led to a lot of relapses in the beginning.

There were several parts of the treatment process that were used to restructure my thoughts and feelings about food and my body image.

One part of the treatment was to reintroduce foods that I had binged and purged. It was a slow introduction, but I still hated it.

That meant I had to be reintroduced to Oreos… ham and turkey sandwiches… pasta, chips, and salsa… God, the list was endless. Once you’ve thrown something up like that, it's hard to enjoy that food ever again if your intention isn't to eat a ton of it then puke it up. Today, I can eat most of those foods just fine.

Except for Oreos or salsa.

I refuse to eat those ever again.

Another part was when I learned how to control myself around food. This meant cooking with it and being around it. I had liked cooking for a while, but this made me love it. It was a good outlet to learn about food and control it in a nonconstructive way. I started to see food as less good or bad.

Lastly, I had to practice “self-love.” Or a better term for it “ how to love what you see in the mirror.” I’m still working on that one.

While I was there, I met this girl, Bela. She was 14 and had been dealing with anorexia off and on since she was 9. She would tell me stories about how every time she and her parents sat down to eat, it would turn into yelling and tears to the point where she would have anxiety around mealtimes.

Pretty fucked up stuff.

Though our stories and struggles were different, Bela and I understood each other on a level that nobody else could. In both our cases, this whole thing had started because we wanted to lose a few pounds, but it turned into an obsession that left us with trying to find a new normal.

During our recovery, she once introduced me to these weird pills called laxatives and I still to this day don't know how she was able to get them into the facility. I did it once but it just wasn’t for me. I remember just talking to Sammy on the phone and feeling like he had known about me trying the laxative and I think that was the main reason I didn't try them again.

I think since then Bela has stopped taking them which I was happy about. We try to call each other at least a few times a month and get together every so often. She now lives about an hour and a half away from me, close to K-state University.

Meeting Bela made the hospital bearable, but as much as I hated the hospital, being at home was worse. At least at the hospital, I had a few people who were going through the same things as me. No offense to Sammy, Mom, or Dad but no matter how much they'd try, they'd never fully understand what I was going through.

When I was released from the inpatient program, I found out that my parents had made a lot of changes at home. I was surprised when I found out that they had decided to take the locks off my room and the bathroom doors and replace them with nonlocking ones. Which was a pain ‘cause you know, locks are a wonderful thing...

(They ended up changing every other lock in the house to ones like mine later on, which was appreciated. We still don't have any locks)

They also had taken away my snack stash which I wasn't too happy about. Another new rule was that I wasn’t allowed to be in the bathroom for more than… I think it was 10 minutes… nope, it was 8 min.

I didn’t mention how it would take me less time than that if I really wanted to throw up.

Also, I wasn’t allowed to go to the bathroom an hour after dinner. To add on top of the shit show, my mom ended up changing her hours to be able to be home when I was home. She was the one who would take me to and from group therapy.

And all that was annoying on its own, but I think the worst thing they did was take away the scale in my bathroom. That annoyed the shit out of me more than anything else they had done. Before, I was checking my weight around three times a day. Once in the morning, once when I got home from school and at least once after dinner. By that point, it had become a habit. I guess the feeling of not having one could be compared to not having a clock in the room when you’re at school and taking a timed test... but more stressful.

My parents of course justified all of this with love but I remember thinking it was bullshit.

Looking back, I do understand why they did all those things.

My family was weird around me during that time. I would find Sammy always looking at me, and my dad never talked to me like he used to. He was always quiet when he was around me. Or my mom would always be on the other side of the bathroom door if I took too long.

Do you know how weird it is to have your mom listening to you taking a crap?

It was freaking weird.

I ended up spending a lot of time hiding away in the treehouse. It got to a point where if my family couldn’t find me anywhere in the house, I was in that treehouse.

No matter how cold it got sometimes.

Dad had built it for Sammy and me when we were younger. We call it the bunker and it’s about 10 years old now. Sometimes I would just lay there quietly but other times I’d play music. Sometimes I would even do homework. To some, it might be a hazard in certain spots where the nails stick out, but Sammy and I didn’t care.

Tetanus shots were created for a reason, right?

It’s still my favorite place to think and get away from the world when it gets to be too much.

It wasn't just home that was weird. Being back at school after all that was weird too.

It wasn’t that I felt behind, I was able to work through a lot of school work at the hospital, but I had missed a lot of days being in the hospital.

People didn’t know why I had been in the hospital, so they began making their own assumptions. My favorite one was that I was struggling with a drug problem and I had to go to rehab for two weeks.

That was a popular one.

When people would ask me why I just said I got the flu and it was really bad. It got annoying, especially when some asked if I was still contagious.

When my friends asked why I couldn't hang out with them from time to time, I’d tell them I had a lot of homework or that I was spending time with my family. The last one wasn't a complete lie. My family and I did start camping more often, but not every weekend like I made it seem. I actually had group therapy that I was attending after school.

Lying to my friends didn’t make me feel too good, but that still didn't stop me.

One day, about a couple of months later, after watching a video about eating disorders in health class, my friend Benny said something that irked the hell out of me: eating disorders were only for girls.

Benny and I have been friends for a long time, I realized quickly that he had no filter. Charlie pretty much told him that she’d rip him a new one if he ever said that again and Kevin told him to shut up. I sort of laughed at the situation, but it kind of hurt.

I think the reason it made me mad was that I had started to come to grips with the fact that I had been struggling through an eating disorder.

He didn't know that I had been struggling with it for the past few years, but it was still pretty fucked up. Having an eating disorder isn’t about what gender you are.

I’m a dude, and I struggled with an eating disorder.

Benny’s comment gnawed on me so much that I decided to invite them over and tell the three of them. They were shocked. Charlie said she felt dumb for not noticing anything at which I told her that it was because I was good at hiding it. Kevin asked about my recovery. Benny apologized, and the three of them told me that they'd always be there for me.

They still have kept my secret.

They're the best friends I have.

I don't think they knew how much that helped with the recovery process, even sometimes when they'd go a little overboard. I didn't blame them, during my recovery, I had a lot of setbacks.

Sometimes I would attempt to skip out on lunch or the snacks I was supposed to be eating, but my friends would always hold me accountable.

There were more bad days than good days in the first few months. I’m not talking about physically binging and purging necessarily (which I continued to do sometimes) but sometimes I would think about my body negatively. Or I would look too long in the mirror. But, even though I had bad days, it didn’t mean that I was a failure (shout out to Jody for that one).

That idea took me a while to start believing and I still struggle with not feeling like a failure sometimes. A lot of days since then have been me starting my day off by telling myself that “I can’t do this”, and it would end with me telling myself that “I can do this”.

And I was ready for the next day.

Last night, when Dad asked if I was having “issues again”, I felt like he was accusing me of reverting and ignoring all the progress I had made.

I’ve been slip-up free for six months now, which is my longest streak.

That time, it happened after we visited mom’s grave last May. It marked a year she had been gone and three months since my recent sip up. After we got home, I remember closing myself in my room and just feeling numb.

I knew she was gone and never coming back, but the feeling still hit me like a ton of bricks.

It took one look at a picture of my mom and me, when I was younger, for me to snap.

It had been with crackers and some sprite.

I did it twice that day.

I regretted both times.

I thought about telling Sam and my dad when it had happened, but they wouldn't have understood why I did it. I had also been ashamed of myself. I decided then that I didn’t need my dad and brother knowing how much of I fuck up I was. I didn’t need to see the sadness in Sam’s eyes or the disappointment in my Dad's.

Every day, I live with this constant struggle of who I am now and who I once was. When my dad began to question me, I felt like the old me again. I felt like Dad no longer trusted me.

And I’m not saying that I’ve forgotten who I was. All I’m saying is that the Dean now has come a long way.

I’d like to think that I’m doing better.

Now I can finish my plate without thinking about throwing it back up or how many numbers it was going to add to the scale. I don’t feel guilty when I eat anymore either. Hell, I’ve even got a girlfriend.

I’d also liked to think that I'm a better son, brother, friend even.

I just wished I could make my dad understand this.

Well, this turned out longer than I thought, but it was good to get it all out.

Keep on being cool,

Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that pants story was my own... people were way less mean about it though. I think.
> 
> If you decided to skip that is totally okay! Here's a condensed version.
> 
> Dean and his dad fight with each other and now his dad wants to take him to go get a check-up because he thinks Dean's eating disorder is back.  
> \-------
> 
> Dear Future Me,
> 
> In my last letter, I had mentioned that I had lost a bit of weight.
> 
> Dad and I got into a heated argument about it tonight.
> 
> We were having takeout and my Dad asked me how I’d been lately. And of course, I told him that I’d been fine. He then gave me this look and told me he knew that I was lying.
> 
> I had never been more confused so I denied it because really, I was fine.
> 
> His face got kind of red after that, and he told me that Sammy had mentioned that I had been losing weight lately. When I looked over at Sam, he was just staring at his bowl of food. I was gonna tell him that I wasn't mad at him, but Dad kept going.
> 
> He asked me outright how long it had been since I binged and purged.
> 
> I swear if the color could actually drain from your face, all of mine would have been seeping into my shirt.
> 
> Every day, I live with this constant struggle of who I am now and who I once was. When my dad began to question me, I felt like the old me again. I felt like Dad no longer trusted me.
> 
> And I’m not saying that I’ve forgotten who I was. All I’m saying is that the Dean now has come a long way.
> 
> I’d like to think that I’m doing better.
> 
> I’d also liked to think that I'm a better son, brother, a friend even.
> 
> I just wished I could make my dad understand this.
> 
> Well, this turned out longer than I thought, but it was good to get it all out.
> 
> Keep on being cool,
> 
> Dean.


	3. Diagnosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Hearofcathedrals (Ao3) for reading all the diabetic scenes over and making suggestions and corrections!

**Thursday, November 16th, 2017**

[Dear Future Me,](https://forms.gle/tqnoR75QwkT3K6p66)

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks.

Let me start from the beginning because, holy shit. Sometimes I just can’t catch a break.

I got an apology from dad, by the way. I could tell the whole time he was checking my face for any signs of puking. Things like puffy eyes and face or any popped blood vessels in the eyes. I’m not sure he knows that I know what he’s doing. He’s been doing it since my eating disorder diagnosis. 

He acknowledged that he was happy with the progress that I had made in the last two years, but that he still wanted to get this thing checked out and tagged on “and that’s an order” to the end.

Sam and Dad both came. During these appointments, Dr. Walker would check my weight, urine, blood, and blood pressure to see any signs that I was going back to my bulimic ways which I knew he wouldn't find. He also listened to my heart for any signs of my heart arrhythmia. That had been pretty mild and has since gotten better. 

The weight was for obvious reasons, but the urine test was to show if I was dehydrated and the blood test was for checking on any imbalances. Like electrolyte imbalances. When I was binging and purging I'd lose electrolytes like sodium and potassium which you kind of need to live. And when those electrolytes are imbalanced, well, you can get nasty things like seizures, cardiac arrest, and numbness. The blood is also checked because sometimes people with Bulimia had anemia or bleeding in their esophagus. 

Dr. Walker started asking me some questions and he seemed kind of concerned about my weight loss too. I again told him that I was on track. 

He also asked me about my food habits, any medication I was taking, and how often I was exercising. I told him that I ate three times a day and more often than not, some snacks but I was portioning them correctly. And that no, I wasn't on any medication, just my regular vitamins and that I had just been lifting weights with Benny at school. I felt the need to emphasize that last statement because I used to do a lot of sit-ups and push-ups in my room at the peak of my eating disorder. 

He asked me how I had been feeling in general. I told him that I had been feeling okay but had been feeling a little tired since the wrestling season had started. Dad supplied that I had also been drinking a lot at dinner time on top of going to the bathroom a lot lately. 

I said again that I wasn't binging and purging, and added that- how could I if there was an hour bathroom hold after we ate?

Dr. Walker diffused some of the tension by saying that I could go home and the results would be ready soon.

The car ride was quiet, except for Sammy babbling about Thanksgiving at Uncle Bobby’s and Aunt Ellen’s house. I’m hoping my cousin, Jo, will make a pie like she did last year. They live in South Dakota, so we take turns visiting each other. They have Thanksgiving, and we have Christmas. It was a 6-hour drive, so we usually stayed at least the day after Thanksgiving, and they came the night before Christmas. 

When we got home, I walked over to Cassie’s house before Dad could say anything else to me. 

I remember Cassie and I were laying in her bed. I had my eyes shut because I was feeling the start of another headache coming on that day. I was trying to tell her the vague version of my doctor’s visit. But then, like the idiot I am, let slip that I didn't have an eating disorder anymore. 

I felt her pull away from me and I tried to correct myself, but it was too late. Before I knew it, I was telling her about the real thing. 

I hadn't told Cassie (or any of my past girlfriends) about my eating disorder before that moment. Mostly, I haven't found the right time to, but I guess I also didn't want to mess up something good.

When I was done, things were quiet between us. She said it was a lot to think about. I was about to tell her that I was the same person that I was yesterday and the eating disorder hadn’t changed that, when I got an urgent call from Sammy telling me that he and Dad were picking me up. Dr. Walker called and said that I needed to go to the emergency room for some more tests and that they were waiting for me. I told Cassie and that I’d keep her posted. 

When we got there, it was explained that I had sugar in my urine. They did a few tests with my blood and then they told me that my blood sugar was at 504 and that I had type 1 diabetes. 

The only thing I could hear or feel was my heartbeat and the first thing out of my mouth was “Holy shit.” Which got me a slight elbow jab to the ribs from Dad.

I didn't know a ton about diabetes, but apparently there are a lot of different types, but the two main kinds are type 1 and 2. In type 2, the pancreas is still working a little bit. In type 1, your pancreas isn't doing a damn thing. 

The first question I asked the nurse was if I could still wrestle. She answered with a yes and that exercise was good and it could actually help lower my blood sugar when needed. 

The second question was if there had been anything I did to cause it. 

She told me there were a ton of factors, but I didn’t cause my diabetes.

The third question was if it were curable. 

From the look on her face, I already knew the answer. 

Winchester luck is a real bitch.

So, Dad, Sammy, and I spent the next three days at the hospital learning all things type 1 diabetes-related. Some of it is pretty intense stuff. 

I still was wrapping my head around the fact that my shitty pancreas decided to clonk out on me. The pancreas makes insulin which is a hormone that breaks down and moves sugar (glucose) throughout the body. When that sugar isn't moving, it’s building up in my blood and urine and causing high blood sugar. That high blood sugar caused me to pee more than usual and explains the dehydration. Also, me peeing all this out and caused me to lose sugars wasn’t good. My weight was dropping because my body didn't have enough insulin and was eating away fat.

Yum.

The first time I had to inject myself with insulin it took a whole 5 minutes of me psyching myself out. I did the same thing with the finger pricks. Didn't hate needles, but didn't love them either. 

The nurses also taught me that each time, I had to rotate where I poked myself. Good places to inject yourself: back of arm, butt, thigh, stomach region. Basically, places with some fat to it. 

Sam and Dad even got to inject me a few times and also got to prick my finger. After Sam pricked my finger right in the middle, the nurse told us to aim for the sides of my fingers.

Which, I was thankful for. 

So, I’m supposed to keep my blood sugar between 80-130 but under 180 after which has been easier said than done. Since the hospital, my numbers have been between 70 and 220. Dr. Walker started me off with around 25 units of insulin per day until we know how much I actually need.

I was sent home with about half a dozen pamphlets (Sam ended up stealing those to read), a glucose monitor, about at least 50 paper test strip things, and these pens that had rapid and long-acting insulin in them. Rapid-acting was mostly before meals and pre-bolusing when I ate something that I knew had more carbs than usual. Like one cookie, probably not, but four? Definitely. Long-acting was to cover me when I wasn't eating like at night time and throughout the day.

At home, we ended up cleaning out an old laundry detergent bottle to use as a sharps container. Also, we ordered some glucose tablets to boost my blood sugar for mild hypoglycemia. 

It was like eating chalk. Dad didn’t believe me until he tried one. Sam didn't think it was that bad. I don't think changing brands or flavors will do much. 

Now I also have a drawer at my desk filled with diabetes supplies that we’ve accumulated since we’ve gotten back. I’m now the owner of 3 glucose monitors. One for school, one for my backpack that never gets taken out unless I’m checking my levels, and one for home use. Also, my insulin pens have taken over the butter compartment of the fridge. Sam found this cool compartment for them that sticks inside the fridge that we might get. 

The first day having to do the whole thing by myself was difficult. Actually it's been really difficult since I left the hospital. It’s also a good thing I’m good at math because I’ve had to do a lot of it since this whole thing started. Sometimes I forget to check in the morning, I pre-bolus either too much or too little. Also, I kept forgetting to bring the logbook to and from school so much that Dad finally told me to get an app. Made it easier.

One day before breakfast, I ended up taking the insulin pen out of my skin too early and some of the insulin squirted out of the pen. It made Sammy laugh, so it was worth it. 

My morning routine used to consist of getting out of bed at 7, getting dressed, teasing Sam over breakfast, and going to school.

Now, I wake up a half-hour earlier, check my blood sugar, get dressed, check my feet for any sores, take my long and rapid-acting insulin about 15 min before I eat, tease Sam over breakfast, check my numbers again to make sure I’m in range and then go to school. I also have to show Dad my readings before I can drive Baby and do a supply checklist each time I leave the house. 

See, way more steps.

And this is all depending on where my numbers are and whether or not if I've had a bad night of lows and am extra tired. 

The first day back to school was an adjustment. It’s like I left school on Friday, and came back a whole new person. I felt like all these people were looking at me and knew that I was different. I asked Dad if I could skip, but he flat out said no. I think he was starting to get stir crazy from being out of work for that long. 

He called the school while I was in the hospital, and now most if not all of my teachers know about it. Basically, if I’m running high or low I get a pass to get out of class to go deal with it. My teachers let me eat black licorice in class whenever I need to.

Well, except for in the computer lab. 

I think that had more to do with the time I almost spilled water on one of the computers once. 

That same day, I gave Kevin, Benny, and Charlie a crash course on diabetes over lunch. Charlie and Benny asked a question or two, but I don’t think they knew what to ask. Kevin though, came prepared and had some good questions that some I didn't know the answers to.

Typical. 

Wrestling has been going pretty well lately. I have to check my sugars more during tournaments and practices. I check my blood sugar an hour before my match, then 15 minutes before, then afterward. I also carry around a lot of snacks and juice packets. 

The little test strips are now littering my gym bag. Benny picked up one and ended up being grossed out when I told them what they were.

I’ll clean them out when I get the chance…

I swear. 

But, most of my teammates were pretty understanding. Some thought me having diabetes meant that they were going to have to pick up the slack more, which wasn't true. I have been winning most of my matches still and when I do lose, it hasn't been because I was low, it’s just that the other guy was a little bit better…

And that’s all I have to say about that…

The Friday after I found out, Sam and Dad suggested I invite the group and Cassie over to the house. 

Cassie was the only one out of the group that didn’t respond. 

I expected it, but it still hurt. I’d seen her a few times at home period, but she seemed quiet. She didn't even turn to laugh with me when Mr. Ketch said, “This bloody computer.”

She’s also been sitting with other friends at lunch. 

So, when my friends got there, we ended up hanging out in the basement. 

We didn't really talk about it again that night which I was grateful for. It was fun just hanging out and not having to worry about this thing for a little while. 

After everyone left, Dad and Sammy gave me a few presents. I told them that they didn't have to, but they just shushed me. I got Diabetes for Dummies from Dad, and we all laughed about it like we wouldn’t all be using it in the next following weeks. Sammy’s gift hadn't come yet, so he showed me a picture of this amulet that had this figure with horns on it and a medical tag that said type 1 diabetes on it. He said just in case I was around people who didn't know about my condition. I gave him a hug and messed up his hair for good measure. 

Because that’s just what big brothers do.

A couple of days ago, there was this moment while Sammy and I were sitting up in the bunker. Sam was reading the Diabetes for Dummies book and I was playing with the necklace Sam had gotten for me and it suddenly hit me that I had to live with this thing forever. More so, that I had to deal with this forever. The nurses could have told me that as much as they wanted but I don’t think I understood the gravity of it.

This thing that fell into my lap... is insane and it’s going to take some getting used to, but I'm going to make diabetes my bitch. 

I’m going to kick it in the ass.

At least when it’s not kicking me in the ass.

Dean.


	4. Cassie

**Wednesday, December 5th, 2017**

[Dear Future Me,](https://forms.gle/tqnoR75QwkT3K6p66)

I shouldn't have told Cassie about my past eating disorder.

Last Monday, she asked if she could come over and talk.

She ended up saying that she couldn't handle the fact that I have an eating disorder on top of diabetes. I wanted to correct her and to emphasize that I had had (past tense) an eating disorder, but there was something about the way she said handle that had caught me off guard and had made me kind of angry.

She said it like I was some kind of burden.

It was the only time I raised my voice, but I told her that she didn’t need to handle anything. That at the end of the day she wasn’t the one who had deal with this, I was. 

I wasn’t something she needed to fix.

I wasn’t broken.

She got quiet after that and I regretted that I had yelled when she started crying. I started to touch her shoulder, but she moved away. Then she asked if it had happened since we had been dating.

This time it was me who was quiet. I couldn't give her the answer she wanted.  
I couldn’t tell if it was hurt or disgusted on her face after I gave her an answer.

She then told me that we needed to break up.

I tried to say something, but nothing came out. She ended up leaving me speechless that night. Speechless because even if my answer had been different, it still wouldn't have changed her mind. Speechless because no matter what I chose to say to her, I still wouldn’t have made her understand that I didn't need a bandaid. I needed her support.

Cassie isn't my first girlfriend, but she's the longest relationship I've had. I really did like her. I might even say, love. I really thought I could trust her. That maybe she’d understand or at least try to.

But, I had been wrong.

Last Wednesday, right after school, she brought me a couple of my hoodies and I gave her back the hair ties and books she had left in my room.

We stood by my door for a little while just staring at each other. And then, I’m not sure who did what first, but we just started kissing. Then, one thing led to the next, and then before I knew it, we were together in bed naked. And it felt almost like old times again, but I knew after, it would still be the same. After, we laid next to each other for a long while but didn’t talk.

She then got dressed again and packed her stuff in her backpack.

Before she left, she gave me one last kiss. She said she was sorry, but didn't say why. I said it was okay, even though it wasn't.

So, I guess that's the end of me and Cassie. We don't sit next to each other in English anymore or at lunch. We don’t text anymore. We don't hang out with each other in our free time and she doesn’t come to my wrestling practices anymore either.

The other day I almost called her to tell her some stupid thing that happened at the wrestling meet, but then I remembered that we weren’t together anymore. Guess I should have remembered how hard it was to quit something cold turkey like that. Especially when it was a big part of your life like that.

But, despite the breakup, things have been going okay. Won the majority of our matches against Beacon Hills high school. Preppy losers didn't know what hit them. Dad and Sammy came for that meet. Actually he’s come to all my meets since my diagnosis. Can’t tell if he’s actually interested, or he’s checking up on me. Either way, it’s been kind of cool.

My diabetes management was actually going better than I expected. Some days my levels were good enough where I didn’t need a lot of insulin. I thought this meant that I was starting to get good at it, but my endocrinologist says that I may be going through the honeymoon phase. Basically, sometimes after diagnosis, diabetics go through this phase where their pancreas is working just a little bit. Enough so it seems like we need less insulin. I mean, it's made the adjustment period nice I guess but the name is misleading. It’s actually like a freaking see-saw. Just when I think it’s under control and I start feeling okay, BAM I have another low out of nowhere and sometimes in the middle of the night or in the shower.

There’s nothing quite like having to stick a straw through the tiny hole of a juice box while you're shaking because you're low. Oh, and granola bars taste so much better when you eat them at 3 AM in the morning.

Having a low in the shower is not ideal. Got light headed the other day and was scared that I was gonna pass out and then Dad and Sam were gonna see me naked, so I got out with shampoo still in my hair. Ended up being a little on the low side. Wrapped a towel around myself, snuck downstairs, got a snack, then finished showering.

See, not fun.

Now I make sure to check my blood sugar before I shower.

Oh yeah, the other day, I got my first finger gusher when I was checking my blood sugar. It was kind of awesome. I had to actually wipe the blood off instead of just ignoring it like I usually do.

Sam thought it was gross and said it was a sign that I should change the lancet in the glucose monitor. I think it still has a few more days left in it. I read that you should change it after every other use, but I usually change it when the finger pricks begin to hurt.

Sam worries too much.

Not like my fingers have gotten infected or anything.

Though, I have gotten a few small bruises from injection sites. I try hard to avoid poking those spots because the first time I did was pretty fucking painful. I’m getting pretty good at remembering to rotate sites. I’m starting to understand the whole “diabetics don’t heal as quickly” thing my endo told me. Also why I check my feet at least once a day.

At school, I check my numbers after a couple of classes and 10 minutes before class lets out for lunch, I take my rapid-acting insulin. I'm not great at sensing lows and highs yet, but I'm getting a bit better. A lot of my classmates know now too. This wasn't on purpose.

Since the beginning, my wrestling team knew about it, and it just kind of spread from there. If anyone asked why I would always go to the nurse’s office, I usually just told them the truth.

Nurse Mildred and I are having an affair.

Kidding!

But she does look good for her age...

But, even though I didn't tell them that, they still looked at me funny when I told them I had diabetes. They told me that they didn't know that younger people got that or that their grandpa had diabetes. My favorite one was when someone told me that I had the wrong type of diabetes... which, I don't know if either one is particularly right.

Sometimes I’d tell them a little bit about it, but mostly I just kind of gave them a nod or shrug. After that, I went back to work.

Or at least pretended that I was working.

The day before yesterday, I had trouble keeping my blood sugar in range. I was drinking a Coke Zero in class and someone asked if I should be drinking that because of its sugar.

It’s just what I needed, the food police...

I looked at them, raised my can, and just took another sip.

The other day we met up with a nutritionist and she did give me some helpful meals to keep my blood sugar at a good spot. Things like whole-wheat toast with eggs… and (I almost gagged) salsa.

She also gave me this cheat sheet on a list of recommended amounts of insulin to take before eating a particular type of food.

Had an appointment with my endo and they taught me all about carb counting. I didn't mention that I was pretty good at it already.

I haven’t had to carb or calorie count for a little while and now it seems like it’s the only thing I look at now.

So, I’ve been reading the _Diabetes for Dummies_ book. The list of things that can go wrong is crazy long. I could get scar tissue if I don't rotate the injection site and not get enough insulin. I could get too low, which could equal death. Or too high, which also can equal death. I could get sores on my feet if I don’t keep an eye out for them. But, I try not to worry about them because these are all things that haven’t happened yet.

Oh yeah, I got grounded yesterday when Dad realized that I was using one needle for both my rapid and long-acting insulin in the morning. He thought it was because I wanted to save money (which wouldn't have been a bad reason now that I think about it), but really it was because I didn't want to prick myself a second time.

When I told him I was actually working smarter not harder, he turned his head around so slowly and gave me this look that almost made me think Sam was going to become an only child.

He ended up upping the time to two weeks after that.

So, it looks like I get to live to prank Sam another day.

Kinda sucks because Benny and I were supposed to go with some wrestling buddies to the movies to see Star Wars the Last Jedi.

Maybe If I get the decorations from the attic for the Christmas tree we just got, Dad will reduce my sentence.

I gotta go to bed. I have an English test tomorrow on the tenth section of _The Book Thief_. Didn't study but I ended up skimming the last sections because who makes a book with 90 parts in it?

Should still be pretty easy though.

Dean.


	5. Cookies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun little recipe. I haven't tried it but chocolate chip cookies are always good! And what's this another Banner????! New one next week too.
> 
> Sometimes a poll if you click Dear Future Me.

****

**Monday, December 25th, 2017**

[Dear Future Me,](https://forms.gle/NZzVTrdaz8DauESy6)

Christmas is freaking awesome.

I’m sitting here writing with sore fingers, but it's not from what you think and I’ll get to that later.

It’s winter break right now. The group, Sam and I went bowling the other day. Benny only got strikes or spares. It didn't surprise me, his older brother Tim, who lives in New Orleans now, used to be really good at bowling too. Afterward, Charlie wanted to go ice skating but nobody else actually knew how to ice skate so we ended up driving through a lights show too.

Bobby, Ellen, and Jo came yesterday afternoon.

Sam and Jo shook me awake today because there was about two feet of snow on the ground. On a normal snow day, I'd just roll out of bed and follow Sammy, but now I can't just do that.

After I took my insulin and ate, I went outside to meet Sam and Jo.

Jo and Sam teamed up against me, which wasn't fair, but I won in the end.

When we got inside, Aunt Ellen was making her special breakfast casserole that everyone loved.

While we ate, we played music and just visited. I was trying to explain to Jo why Die Hard was the greatest Christmas movie ever. Bobby told stories about all the pranks Dad and he would do to each other in the Army. I took notes. Sammy’s due for another prank soon. Gotta keep them on our toes. And I couldn’t hear all that Sam and Ellen were talking about, but I definitely heard Sam say something about Celion Dion.

Always knew his favorite singer wasn’t Elvis Presley.

We picked secret Santa names back at the beginning of the month. This year I got Jo. She’s a year younger than me. I never really know what to get her so I ended up getting her random things. One year I gave her a couple of magazines, another year I got her a pair of sunglasses and some ice tea. This year: scrunchies. Charlie said they were in this year.

I thought it would be a great idea too... until she walked in with a very short bob yesterday.

Luckily, when she opened it, she told me that she would use it when her hair grew out. She ended up putting it in Sammy’s hair. He actually kept it on for most of the day.

Bobby got Sam and me this pretty cool Supernatural creature book. Don’t really read a lot, but it’s got some interesting creatures in it. Like the wendigo. It’s like this human that has been cursed because they’ve eaten human flesh.

Awesome.

Afterward, we ended up watching a few Christmas movies while Dad and Bobby made some hot chocolate. Ellen thought to make a sugar-free version, which definitely wasn't the same, but I appreciate it since my numbers were running a little high. I was getting used to no sugar drinks, but nothing beat the real stuff.

After my second glass of hot chocolate, I decided to take a nap which was short-lived, when Sam woke me up with the request to make cookies. Jo helped out too.

They were delicious.

So right now my fingers are sore and for once it's not just because I had to check my blood sugar 6-10 times per day. No, my fingers are sore because Sam joe and I weren't patient enough to wait for the chocolate chip cookies to be done cooling.

Even though I had to pre-bolus a unit before I ate the three cookies, then another two units after I had miss calculated but, I guess it was worth the extra poke.

Diabetes really is a D-bag.

Wait I like that. D-bag… nice little sound to it.

This burning sensation in my fingers reminded me of my favorite childhood memory.

It was Christmas 2011, and I was 10. Also, the year I almost burnt the house down, making said cookies.

Uncle Bobby came over with Aunt Ellen and Cousin Jo for Christmas breakfast. Bobby's best friend Rufus even came. Dad made a bet with Mom that if she lost the game Werewolf before him, she would have to make chocolate chip cookies. I’m not sure why Mom took the bet in the first place, we all know Dad always found a way to cheat.

We hadn't had Mom's chocolate chip cookies in forever, and Mom never could say no to a bet, so Dad knew what he was doing. The only food Mom was good at making was tomato soup with rice, sandwiches, and a damn good chocolate chip cookie.

Mom lost like we all knew she would, and I got to help her make cookies. I was learning how to crack eggs with one hand so I may or may not have gotten some eggshells in those cookies.

Mom told me to go get a few sheets of parchment paper, but I ended up getting wax paper because I thought it was basically the same.

Turns out it's not... because of this little thing about wax paper being flammable.

While we were all waiting for the smell of fresh-baked cookies, we got the smell of something burning and the sound of the fire alarm. That day I learned a very valuable life lesson about the differences between wax and parchment paper.

It may be weird that it's one of my favorite memories since that whole thing happened, but it was the first time I realized that I liked to cook.

It’s gotten me through a lot of bad shit.

From that year on, we started making those same cookies. I guess in a way it’s brought us all closer.

The first Christmas without mom was hard. It was all still new, but it was still pretty strong. There was no one to help us decorate the tree, to string popcorn, or to shout out that it was Christmas at the top of their lungs.

The loss was heavy, almost suffocating.

We almost didn't even make the cookies that year until Ellen asked about them. At first, it was odd not being able to have mom around in the kitchen, but baking those cookies brought us closer to her.

Sitting here with sore fingers and sore tongues makes it all worth it.

Merry Christmas, you filthy animals,

Dean.


	6. New Student

****

**Saturday, January 20th, 2018**

[ _Dear Future Me,_ ](https://forms.gle/1e9pBMemAoiKsfp17)

Happy New Year.

Just answered the door to another lasagna. This time it was from Sarah and… Sarah’s mom. She makes the best lasagna. Sarah and Sam are now in the living room studying their little hearts out.

Anyway, I've been back to school for a couple of weeks now. Coming back the first day was a bitch. It would have been smart to go to sleep at a reasonable time, but I didn’t do that. 

Baby too had a rough morning. Thought I was gonna have to walk to school for a good 5 minutes while I was starting her up. Good thing she was okay. To top all this, it started to rain on the way to school. Also, we have assigned seats in English now thanks to Ketch.

Douchbag.

So now Cassie and I have no choice but to sit next to each other. She sits in front of me now. 

Awesome... 

The only remotely interesting thing that happened that day was we got a new student, Castiel Novak in English. We actually don't really get a ton of new people. He wore a trench coat, and that was... kind of cool I guess. 

He sat in the seat behind me. He said hi to Cassie and me on the way to his desk, but that was pretty much it.

Found out that he was also in my art class. Guess I should have invited him to sit with me, but I was pretty tired. It was a few days later, I was walking to art class when I heard someone banging on their locker.

Turns out, it was Castiel.

I went to help mainly because I was going to walk past him anyway, and I’m not that much of a douchebag.

It was weird seeing him lose his temper like that because he didn't look like the type. He was a little shorter than me and his shoulders kind of slouched like he wanted to make himself smaller.

After a few attempts, we got the locker open. I think the last number might have been wrong. I peeped a pretty cool looking skateboard in his locker that was orange underneath and had some cool black angel wing on it. We walked to art together and ended up sitting next to each other too. To be honest I took art because I thought it would be easy.

I was wrong.

We’re doing self-portraits and I’ll be the first one to admit that mine looks like shit. I only had the lines sort of done for mine. I looked over at Castiel's drawing, and I just stared at it. Castiel had already started putting in some shading. He was definitely way too good for this art class.

When I said something about it, he just kind of shrugged it off and said when he wasn't working or skateboarding, he was doing art.

When it was time for lunch, I thought it would be wrong to not invite him to sit with me and the group.

At lunch, he was kind of quiet, but Benny was able to get him to say he lived with his aunt Tessa, and she owned a diner which he helped with.

I think I was a little too enthusiastic when I said I was a huge fan of Tessa’s diner, but he didn't seem to notice.

I guess I kind of do see the resemblance between them 

When I asked him about why he was having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when his aunt was such a good cook, he just said simply said that they were his favorite.

Which, I can respect.

He wasn't lying when he said they were his favorite because he’s had one at least twice a week since joining us for lunch.

Castiel even invited us over for dessert sometime.

I’m sure my wrestling coach would love that. I haven't gained all the weight I had lost before diagnosis.

Close though.

Benny was actually the one who got me into wrestling. He used to practice on me when he was trying to make the team last year. I hated that he always won, so I started doing some research. Also, Benny gave me a lot of tips and tricks that I used later. I also practiced some on Sam, which he wasn't too happy about. There were all kinds of stuff to learn about wrestling too. Like the different stances, how you're going to charge at your opponent, and how you're going to take down the person across from you before they take you down.

I got so good that Benny suggested that I try out for the team. When I asked Dad about it, he was skeptical at first because of the weight classes. The only time I got to weigh myself was at 6-month check-ups at the doctor's office. We hadn't had a scale in the house since recovery. It took him a little bit to convince him, but he finally agreed under the condition that if I were having any issues at all, I’d tell him.

It actually really has helped with my recovery. I started working out with a few people on the team because Dad said he didn't feel comfortable with me working out alone. I was annoyed at first, but working out with teammates is kinda fun. We talk most of the time about girls. But sometimes it’s just stupid shit.

Side note, Benny and I got Charlie to go to the gym a couple of weeks ago.

Well, the only way was that we had to do some favor for her in the future. She didn’t specify why, but the smile she gave us seemed evil.

She actually met this girl, Dorothy, at that gym that day. I knew of Dorothy, but I didn't have any classes with her. Cassie and her would hang out sometimes. Benny was about to make a move on her till he saw she was eyeing Charlie instead. We all still tease him about that one.

Dorothy seems nice. She has now also joined our table. Definitely an upgrade from the last two girlfriends Charlie has had, but I’m not going to tell her that. She may look innocent with her red hair and all, but she’s been taking fighting classes recently. Could be wrong, but I think my arm works best when it’s actually in the socket.

Oh yeah, I had an appointment with Rafael and my A1C, which is the average of my blood sugars, was at a 7.6. I mean, it’s not the best, but it is going down. The goal’s to be in the 6s.

Seeing it within the 7s, made me feel kinda good. Because I feel like I fuck up a lot.

I’m finding out that having the D-bag around is like having a full-time job that goes on every hour, of every day, of every year, that you can't quit.

Oh, and you don't get paid for it.

Rafael reminded me to think about management as a delayed effect. Meaning most of what I do, won't show up in the body instantly. And hell, everything affects blood sugar; food, exercise, stress levels, fucking sleep. He also reminded me about the importance of not skipping a meal even though you weren’t hungry. Which reminded me how I had gotten out of the mindset of “is this food good or bad?” only to rephrase the question to “will this food raise my blood sugar?”

I haven't skipped any meals if you're wondering.

The other day, Sam told me that I was awesome because I was doing the work of an organ. I laughed and told him to shut up only to stop the ache in my throat. I was justifiably in a weird mood, and Sam saying that gave me this little extra boost I didn't know I needed.

Well speaking of Sam, I gotta go get a haircut. I'm starting to look like him.

Yikes.

Dean


	7. Trivia Night

**Thursday, March 1st, 2018**

[Dear Future Me,](https://forms.gle/1p9gUJAd4FwiY2wx6)

Wrestling season is officially over. We came in second place during the tournament. The group, Dad, and Sam came to watch my match. Almost lost against this guy named Derek Hale. I won because I’m good, but also, he used up all his energy in the beginning and had nothing left at the end.

Huge mistake.

The whole team Celebrated with a party a couple of weeks ago. It was pretty awesome. We had the party at Michael Wheeler’s house while his parents were away. He got his older brother to get a keg. I didn't have any alcohol because I was a designated driver. Also, I'm positive dad would kill me if I ever came home or even thought about driving Baby drunk.

Michael ended up inviting a lot more people than we were expecting. Some Benny and I recognized from our school, others we didn't. I saw this as an opportunity to play some pool. Got 60 bucks that night.

Never knew what hit ‘em.

The guys wanted me to go up against Cole to see if we could get Suzy Lee's number, but I let Cole win.

I already had her number. We had a little something before Cassie and I started flirting.

Found out later that she had given him the wrong number…

Can’t win ‘em all I guess...

That night was pretty fun and everyone got home safe. Benny got hammered and wouldn't stop bugging me to get him a big mac. No way I let him eat that in the car. We had to sneak him into his own house. He lost his key at the party, so good thing I had my key.

I don’t think I’m going to do wrestling next year. Benny wants me to though. It’s Senior year and I think I want to try to get a job.

Well, anyway, Charlie finally cashed in her favor that Benny and I gave her for going to the gym with us. She wanted Benny and me to accompany her and Kevin to trivia game night since two of her team members bailed after getting jobs.

I figured it would be a nice distraction. I just found out that Cassie’s moving. She sat right in front of me in first period and didn't tell me.

Which, she doesn't owe me anything, it just would have just been nice to know I guess.

Ended up sucking it up and asking her about it myself before English.

She’s moving to Cape Girardeau Missouri at the end of the month. Apparently her mom got a new job and she was moving at the end of the month. I looked it up, it’s 6 hours away from here. I’d admit that it’s still awkward seeing her around at school, but I didn't feel the relief I expected to feel. To be completely honest, despite all that happened in December, if she had wanted to get back together, I would have.

But, now we wouldn't get that chance.

Maybe someday, she’ll find someone that she accepts.

So, when we got to the game room, there were about 20 others already there, either playing video games, pool, or board games.

We actually ended up seeing Castiel there. He was playing Sorry! with this girl I didn't recognize.

I got a diet Coke and went to say hello. The friend, Meg, asked if I were Castiel’s boyfriend. Castiel turned red and I almost choked on my soda. Spent the last 10 minutes trying to ignore the burning feeling in my nose.

When it was time for trivia to start, Castiel ended up being on the opposing team. I didn't recognize any of them, and I wanted to ask how Castiel knew them, but I didn't get a chance to right then. I found out later that they were all homeschoolers. I’m assuming Cas was also a homeschooler, but I’m not completely positive.

There was a random mixture of general knowledge, pop culture, and geography questions.

Turns out I wasn’t even that bad. Better than Benny, anyway. We just told him to keep his hands off the buzzer. It wasn't that he wasn't smart, he was just a little trigger happy and then froze when he actually had to answer.

When it came to music questions, I mostly dominated them. And Charlie and Kevin knew a lot of other questions.

We ended up losing to Castiel’s team by six points. I was a little bummed because the Amulet that Sam got me, was my good luck charm. This necklace thing has helped me get at least a B on all my quizzes or tests since I got it. Well and one C+ on an art assignment, but I’ll take it.

I think we would have been better off if the other team didn't freeze Kevin a couple of times. I called Castiel a traitor, and he just gave me a grin and a shrug.

I was actually impressed with how many questions he answered correctly, but I wasn't going to say that with my team around.

Castiel told me that he used to play random trivia with his stepdad, Gabriel. That was the first time that I had heard of him having a stepdad, and it took me by surprise. He didn't go further on the subject so I didn't ask. I learned pretty early on that he sort of clammed up when we would ask him questions about his family.

He doesn't talk about his family really at all. It’s weird that all three of his parents aren't in the picture.

Here's a list of the things I know for sure about him

  1. He’s on the quiet side
  2. He recently started driving a brown 1987 Ford F-Series Pick-up truck
  3. He’s related to Tessa, the owner of my family's favorite diner
  4. He has/had a step-dad named Gabriel. Don’t know his mom’s or dad’s names
  5. He’s really good at Art and loves History
  6. His favorite sandwich is peanut butter and jelly
  7. His favorite board game is Sorry! for some reason
  8. He skateboards like a goddamn pro
  9. He didn’t say something dumb when he found out I had type 1



The last one happened a couple weeks ago, I gave myself some insulin while we were all hanging out at the diner. He asked what it was and I just told him the whole spiel. He got red and said he thought it was drugs or something.

Caught me off guard. I hadn't actually heard that one before. Knew people were thinking it, but Cas was the first one who actually said it.

Despite him being a closed book, he’s actually been fitting in really well with the group. He can keep up with how fast Kevin talks sometimes, Benny’s jokes, and Charlie’s computer talk. But he sometimes blanks on pop culture references like James Dean or Indiana Jones and don't get me started on classic rock music and him... Sometimes I think he lives under a rock.

When I got home that night, Sam was watching Ghostbusters, so I decided to join him.

Sometimes it’s hard thinking that my little brother isn't so little anymore.

I remember when I met him for the first time at the hospital when I was four. I thought he was so small. It’s funny because we have a picture of me holding Sammy at the hospital, and dad had to help hold half of him because my arms were too little. Although... Sam was definitely a bigger baby than I had been. He also came two weeks late.

Swear the kid’s never been on time for anything.

I remember it was nice the first month he was there. Mom told me that I used to joke that his cries were so soft. Apparently I would laugh about it, thinking that he’d never get what he wanted being so quiet.

And that was when Sam found his voice. It was then that I knew he was definitely going to be a pain in my ass.

And I was right.

But even though he kept us all up at night, I wouldn't have traded him for anything in the world. He's still the best brother I could have asked for, even if I don’t remember asking for a little brother. Obviously I’ll never tell him this because his head would get bigger than it already is and explode.

And, I don't feel like cleaning up pieces of exploded Sam anytime soon.

He’s starting high school with me next year. I told him if anyone gave him trouble or talked about the mop on his head, I’d give them a talking to. The only one who’s allowed to make comments about the small animal on his head, is me.

But, I swear if he gave me five minutes with some clippers...

If we have lunch together he, Kevin, and Charlie could nerd out about… nerdy things.

He still nerds out about theater stuff; wants me to take him to the Wizard of Oz showing at my school. I think he’s going to join the theater club again like he did in elementary school next year.

Love that kid, but dear God not again.

It means we have to go to all his plays.

They better do the Addams family.

Dean.

P.S. don't be shy, click on "Dear future me up," up top to vote on a poll for later chapters.


	8. Summer

**Friday, June 8th, 2018**

[Dear Future Me,](https://forms.gle/Sg7ChDjvqvu5Enf77)

It's been a little bit since I last wrote. I didn’t know if I was going to continue with these letters but... I found myself missing writing them.

So a lot of things have happened. Before I start, I just want to get something off my chest.

So, the honeymoon stage is over for me. I'm kind of glad because now I can get straight down to business. I’m getting fewer lows now which is great. But, I’ve also been experiencing... I guess burnout. I know that there are people who have had type 1 since birth and I've only had it for around 8 months, but sometimes I just get tired of it.

I get tired of checking my blood sugar, checking my feet, the injections, feeling crappy after a high or low, having to keep eating to get my blood sugar where I want it. I miss when days were easy. All I want is a day off.

Last week, I was running on the high side for a couple of days straight and finally, I thought, fuck it, I’m just gonna eat whatever I want.

Ended up feeling like complete shit later.

Dad wasn’t too happy about that one, but I didn't really care. Even if I had done everything right, but slipped up once, I’d only hear about the slip-up.

Wish he’d give me a break sometimes. It's been less than a year since this was thrown into my lap. I'd like to see him try being a pancreas for a day and see how he handles it.

Maybe then he’d understand.

Since my last letter, I finished my Junior year. I got some decent grades. Almost ended up failing my chemistry unit test, but I came out on top.

One more year to go. Pretty excited. Ready to get out of high school.

Anyway, I got my first job about three weeks ago. It’s at this music store. Sam and I were walking through town when I saw that they were hiring. Sam pushed me to apply. Something to do with him wanting me to buy him ice cream with all the money I’d be making.

I ended up applying and the next day I was in my interview. The owner Mr. Chuck only asked me one question: Name all the members of Bon Jovi. The easiest question in the world.

I work Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and sometimes on the weekends.

It’s been fucking awesome. We get to blast any music we want and Mr. Chuck doesn’t care If I need to eat.

It's pretty easy. Took a few weeks to get the hang of a cash register, but now I'm awesome at it. I mostly ring people up, answer questions, organize the shelves, and give people suggestions on songs.

I’ve gotten to know Pamela and Ash since I’ve started working there. I thought Ash was just a stoner (which he definitely is), but he said he used to go to MIT until he got caught hacking their computer system. Pamela is pretty badass. I’m pretty sure she's my age but already has four tattoos. I don’t know who Jesse is, but they’re one lucky son of a bitch.

I don't know how, but the other day Pamela caught this kid who had to be like 10 years old trying to steal a Taylor Swift CD. Said it was for his girlfriend, but we were pretty sure he was stealing it for himself.

Pamela pointed him to a Led Zeppelin album and told him that if he didn't buy it, she’d call the cops and tell them he had been trying to steal. The kid was so scared that he listened and put money in the tip jar. After that incident, Chuck finally let Ash update the security system in the store.

They’re pretty awesome to work with.

I was sitting outside for lunch when I saw Castiel on his skateboard. I yelled his name and he completely wiped out. Ended up getting a nasty scrape on his knee. Felt kind of bad. Good thing I had some first aid stuff in my backpack. Even gave him two packs of Jelly Beans for good measure.

He only ate the orange ones and gave me back the rest...

Now, Castiel visits me when he’s done with his work at Tessa’s at least 3 times a week. We mostly just talk about our day while I organize the music section or work the register.

Sometimes he talks about skateboarding and shows me some tricks he’s been working on. The heal flips were pretty cool. He didn't wipe out once.

A couple weeks ago he came in talking about the state fair in September, and how he'd buy me food if I joined him.

Sam and the group usually all go together, but I figured I could go to the fair more than once.

So, of course, I had to say yes.

It’s free food.

Also, the more and more I talk to him, the more I realize that Cas' definition of good music is straight-up Gospel. Like Amazing Grace and Silent Night type of shit. I gave him a brief lesson on what music was cool. It was crazy that he hadn't heard of Led Zeppelin or Bon-Jovi. I swear it's like he's been living under a rock.

Ha! Rock. I hope you got that joke, future me.

Yesterday, after he asked what AC/DC stood for, was the last straw. After work, I ended up gathering up some classics from my collection and driving over to Cas’ place. When he answered the door, I handed him the stack and told him that it didn't matter the order he listened to them in, but the first one had to be AC/DC. Specifically, the song ‘Thunderstruck’, and he had to finish off with Kansas, specifically the song ‘Carry On Wayward Son’. And I also told him that he had to listen to Ramble On not once, or twice, but three times.

IN. A. ROW.

He kindly gave me this confused look like he sometimes does. I just gave him a pat on the shoulder and told him to give me a text if he had any questions. I was about to peace out when his aunt invited me for dinner. Said that they were having breakfast for dinner. And I’m a sucker for breakfast for dinner, so of course, I said yes. They both really have a thing for bribing me with food.

Kinda okay with it.

Cas’ aunt’s cooking is heavenly. She made eggs, bacon, potatoes, and toast. I went easy on the potatoes and didn't eat the bread. We talked mostly about summer plans and senior year.

Cas and I ended up listening to music in his room afterward. Castiel laying on his pillow and me sideways at the end of the bed.

Cas’ room wasn't what I expected. I thought it would be a blue or grey scheme but it’s bright orange. The walls, his bed, his desk chair. When I asked him about it he told me the color made him happy and reminded him of sunrises. Swear it was like looking at the sun.

Cas also has this weird stuffed animal mouse thing on his bed. I asked him why he still slept with a stuffed animal, he said he was holding it for a friend, and turned up the music. It was kind of weird. I know Cas has friends outside of the group that he sometimes hangs out with but it was just a weird thing to say if he wasn’t joking.

Well, I have to go, Kevin, Charlie, Cas and I are going to the lake soon, and I gotta make sure my supplies are all packed.

Peace out.

Dean.


	9. Visit with Bela

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF EATING DISORDER BRIEFLY

Thursday, July 12th, 2018

**Dear Future Me,**

So I've been having some weird and dark thoughts lately that come and go.

I got a text from Bela last week while I was at work saying that she had landed herself in the hospital again. This time it was due to anemia caused by her anorexia. She had been experiencing shortness of breath when her parents brought her in.

She told me over the phone that recently, she had been into only eating green things.

I thought back to the last time I had seen her a month back. She had ordered a salad, no dressing, a green apple, and a green tea. The only thing I questioned about her meal choice was the lack of dressing.

She looked completely different from when I saw her in person a few months ago. Despite the hot and sunny weather we had been having all summer, she looked pale and had nose cannulas to help her breathe better.

During the visit, we played a game of flip UNO. I talked to her about my new job and the pranks I recently pulled on Sam. She talked about wanting to be the highest bidder for this gold pocket watch that had belonged to Lydia and Stiles Stilinski. Said she that their gruesome story had always been interesting to her.

We both chose to ignore the elephant in the room.

When it got too quiet, I started talking about my friends. She perked up when I started talking about Cas.

She asked me if I liked him.

I told her we were just friends, but she didn't believe me.

I mean we’ve become really good friends since January, but I’ve never thought of Cas that way before.

He's kind of hilarious in the dry humor kind of way.

And he does have some nice blue eyes.

Freaking Bela…

I don't like him like that. He’s becoming a good friend. 

Anyway, I ended up winning the first game of UNO but she won the second game. When I was about to leave, I asked her if she was going to be okay. She just rolled her eyes and said scouts honor.

It was hard to see Bela in that hospital bed again.

I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t had passed out that one day in January—if I would have ended up like Bela. The thought has always been in the back of my mind. I deceived everyone for around three years and I know I wouldn’t have stopped on my own.

During my recovery, I guess the turning point for me was the camping trip about a couple of months after I had ended up in the hospital. Part of recovery was also reconnecting with my family too. In those three years, not only had I isolated myself from food, but I had also isolated myself from my family too. I hadn’t had an honest relationship with them since the whole thing started.

The realization hit me like a train.

Through personal and family therapy sessions, I suddenly began to question things like, when was the last time I had been interested in what Sammy was doing? How had I not even realized that my mom had gotten a bigger office? Why had it been so long since I had gone on a camping trip with Dad?

So, I decided to plan a camping trip with my family.

At first, the trip didn’t go as planned. When we got there, Sammy immediately wanted to go swimming. Wearing my swimsuit made me feel uncomfortable. The mosquitoes also ate me alive too. When it came to dinner, it was the easiest task. I think I took a liking to cooking because it gave me back some of the control I had lost. Mom and Sammy ended up helping me with dinner that night. We made foil dinners over the campfire. Even Dad pitched in, by dropping one of the foil dinners on the ground... When it became time to eat, we had the best conversation about Sammy’s next play, Shrek. Guess the best part of that camping trip was that nobody said anything about how slow I ate.

I looked at Dad making funny faces at Mom and Sammy acting scenes from this play and I realized that I hadn't been this happy in a long time. It was the best feeling.

It shaped up to be one of the best camping trips.

I had realized that I had been hungry for a really long time. And for once, I wasn’t just talking about food. I had been hungry for my family. I had been hungry for those late-night talks with Sammy, for my Mom’s warm hugs, for Dad’s crazy stories. I got closer to my family in that one night than I had in over three years.

When we got back from my camping trip, recovery got a little easier.

Yesterday, I was talking to Jody about how Bela had relapsed again, and she told me that Bela was going to have to have a turning point on her own. And that I should focus on being her friend, instead of her savior.

She said different words, but you get the point.

Her savior.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t save anyone. I can’t save Bela and I couldn't save mom.

Sometimes I wonder if she hadn't changed her work schedule for me, she would still be alive. If she were still here then Sam and I would have a mom and Dad wouldn't have lost his wife. The guilt has gotten better but it's never gone.

I guess one of the things I miss about her the most was when she’d sing “Hey Jude” to me and Sammy at night and around the house. I also miss the rice and tomato soup she cooked for me when I was sick (Sammy was never a huge fan of it). She couldn’t cook a ton of things so it was from the can, but it always tasted better than usual. Dad doesn’t make it as good as she does, but at least he tries.

When my mom died, we all kind of handled her death differently. Like I mentioned, Dad started working more. I slept more than usual and was starting to shift back to some of my old habits. At first. I thought Sam didn't really change except for the fact that he watched a lot of tv and really loudly too.

We ended up getting in a big fight about how we were dealing with Mom’s death. I accused him of not caring and he accused me of losing myself. Which, he was right about.

Ended up leaving us boneless afterward.

I think we learned that not everyone grieved the same way. Just because Sam seemed unaffected to me, didn't mean he wasn't.

In fact, I still hear Sammy talk to her at night when the house is quiet.

He misses Mom just as much as Dad and I miss her.

I’d like to think that she’s looking down and that she’s proud of all of us, but I know that’s a lie. I don’t think she’d be proud of me because of what I’ve been doing lately.

I guess it started in March after wrestling season was over.

I was at the store with Benny and we were getting him more resistance bands when I passed by a scale. I didn’t think much of it at first but that same night I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I think it was the fact that it looked like our old one.

Well, I ended up buying the scale the next day.

My first thought when I brought it inside was that it was justified because I had bought the scale with my own money and that now that I was 17, I could make my own decisions. And then I told myself that I would return it, but I never did. I instead decided to see if it worked by putting some batteries in it. When it turned on, it was then an excuse to try it out.

The number I saw shouldn't have affected me as much as it did. I had gained all the weight back that I had lost before being the D-bag entered my life, but also 13 pounds more. And really, my body didn't look so different at first. Until I started checking more.

Ever since then, I’ve been going to the gym a lot. Dad thinks I still go with Benny which isn't a complete lie.

I still do, just not 4 days a week like he thinks. Benny is doing about 2 days a week now that we're done with wrestling.

So after seeing Bela in that hospital bed, I gave Benny my scale and told him that he had to get rid of it, no questions asked. That was actually plan B. With Plan A, I ended up taking the batteries out and throwing it away, but then I ended up taking it out of the trash later to use it one more time. That’s when I knew that I couldn't have it near me.

Haven't seen it since.

It’s been a couple years since I have been that obsessive and all it took was a stupid scale.

Well, fuck me.

Dean.


	10. K-i-s-s-i-n-g

****

**Saturday, July 28th, 2018**

Dear Future Me,

So I might have just lost Cas.

Let me start from the beginning.

The state fair was last night.

Dad had to use the Impala that day, so Cas came to pick me up in his truck yesterday at around 7 pm. When I opened his car door, he handed me a can of diet Coke that said share a coke with Dean. A CAN OF DIET COKE.

If it were anyone else I’d think it was a joke, but with him, I knew he was being serious.

He’s freaking awesome.

When we got there it was starting to get dark and everything was lit with lights everywhere. The smell of popcorn and cotton candy were amazing.

The first thing we did before the sun went down was to watch a baby pig race. We made bets on which pig would win. My pig, Darth, ended up losing to Cas’ pig named Angel. But, in my defense, Darth would have won if he hadn't gotten confused and started to go the other way.

It was a moment of weakness, and I’ve already forgiven you, Darth.

After that, we did go-karts (pretty sure I got some whiplash) and that one spinny ride that I can't remember the name of.

After that, we ended up sharing a pretzel. Cas had actually gotten a hotdog but he didn't like it too much so I gave him some of my soft pretzel. Which, that ended up fucking with my pre-bolus estimations and I had to get a second pretzel to make up for it.

After the mirror maze, Cas finally convinced me to go on the Ferris wheel before we left. I usually don't go on it because of this little thing about it being 200 feet off the ground, but he had been really looking forward to it so I thought, why not.

I’m pretty sure I tried to talk him out of it even when they were strapping us in.

It took a while but by the 3rd time around, I wasn't clutching the crossbar as much. We just talked about random things. Cas talked about some new items that Tessa was adding to the menu. I talked about the next songs he had to listen to.

When we paused at the top, I gripped the bar tight again. I felt Cas grab my hand which actually helped me relax a bit. When I looked over, he was super close. We just looked at each other and I was about to make a joke, but something about the moment was so intense that I didn't. I got this weird feeling like I did when I kissed Cassie for the first time.

He leaned in and I'm pretty sure I did too. Before I knew it, our lips were touching and I was kissing Cas.

And that's when I panicked.

Just as quickly as it started, I was already moving back because I HAD JUST KISSED CAS. My friend Cas. My really good friend Cas. My really good friend Cas who was a boy.

The strong urge to stop wasn't nearly as strong as the urge to kiss him again.

But I just couldn't do it.

Cas looked at me with this confusing look mixed with some hurt.

I told him that I was sorry, but I didn't know specifically what for. I ended up squeezing his hand because I'm an idiot.

We didn't stop holding hands till we got off the ride and we didn't talk about it either.

When he dropped me off at home, I could tell that things were still weird between us so I asked him to go to a pizza place with me the following Sunday.

He said that he would think about it, but I had a feeling that it meant no.

Later that night, when he texted me back, I ended up being right.

I didn't get much sleep last night on the account that I really fucked things up with Cas. I couldn't get him out of my head and the kiss.

I’m feeling pretty cruddy because my blood sugar has been running high and nothing that I seem to be doing is fixing it. I think even my body is telling me how stupid I was last night.

To top it off, this morning I dropped half a case of test strips and I picked up a lot of them but I think I'm going to be finding them for weeks.

My texts to Cas have been answered with one-word responses and I’m grateful that he is even responding at all, but I wish it wasn't like this.

Last night was something else. I’ll admit that it wasn't the first time I thought of Cas that way. I think I started having these conflicting thoughts at the beginning of the summer. Specifically when we were chilling and listening to music on his bed that one night. I couldn't explain why it was that night.

I didn’t know what to think of them when they started so I just pushed them aside. Sometimes when he’d get close to me and I felt the heat on my face. Also sometimes I would watch him without realizing it. And then when Bela said something, I denied it because I wasn't sure what it all was myself. Then on the Ferris wheel, I panicked.

I now know that they’re real.

Charlie, Cas, and I were supposed to go to the lake today but Cas bailed. Which is something he hasn't done before. He has a hard time telling Charlie no.

She immediately called me and started blaming me for him bailing. I thought Cas had said something to her already, so I said something about the kiss. Turns out he didn't say anything about it. Me and my big mouth. It wasn't the worst decision I had made. She was going to be the one in the group who could give me serious advice.

When I was done telling her, she called me an idiot. She also said that anyone with two brain cells could tell that Cas and I definitely had something between us. Apparently I have one brain cell.

She told me that sexuality was a spectrum and that I just may be bisexual.

Later, I found both the song ‘kiss the girl' and it’s parody ‘kiss the boy’ saved into my phone.

Hate when she hacks my phone.

Being bisexual wasn’t something I’ve really thought about, let alone considered myself before. I have always just been attracted to girls and assumed I was straight… although there’s something about Doctor Sexy that gets me. And I’m not afraid to admit that. If anyone ever made fun of me for it, I’d give them something to really laugh about.

But I had feelings for Cassie. And now I have feelings for Cas.

Maybe I’m just Cassexual.

Sometimes I crack myself up.

No, but for real. I guess following Charlie's spectrum thing, I'd say I'm in the middle with maybe more towards the lady side because I’ve always liked girls before I met Cas.

Even though I backed away, there was something in me that wanted to continue the kiss… that wanted Cas.

What if I messed it up so bad that he doesn't want me as a boyfriend… or even a regular friend? 

I fucked up big time. 

Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UH-OHHHH. Now why did you have to be like that DeAN?? ADMIT IT, YOU'RE CASSEXUAL


	11. Redo

****

**Thursday, August 15, 2018**

Dear Future Me,

Forgot to update this. I got some good news, but I’ll start at the beginning.

So, a couple of weeks ago I got Benny Culver’s and we hung out after I got home from work.

Benny likes Culver’s so much that the staff knows his usual order by heart. Hell, even I could recite it in my dreams. It’s a double mushroom and swiss butter burger with the bun extra toasted, mushrooms on the side, fries, and a Pepsi with light ice.

For a low-key guy, his food orders are pretty complex.

I also ordered a burger for me and got his dad a shake before I came over to his house. His whole family knows me so I just walked in. He does the same whenever he comes over to my house. Anyway, I found him finishing up his workout in his backyard.

We dug into the food and he was talking about some vampire series Tim was wanting him to watch. Didn’t get all the details, because I was spacing out a little. By then it had been a few days since that whole Cas and the kiss thing happened.

Benny could tell that I was off and asked about it. I’ve never been able to lie to Benny successfully. He’d gotten pretty good at telling when I was lying. I ended up telling him something vague.

The first question out of his mouth was if the guy was good looking. I answered with a yes.

His second question was if I was talking about him.

I laughed then threw a fry at him and hit him square on the nose and told him who I was actually talking about.

I’ve known Benny since the second grade when he got the flu and puked on my shoes and feet (I didn't wear sandals for a long time after that) there was no way I would ever date him. I mean there's also the fact that he’s my best friend. If he were the last person on earth, I still wouldn't crush on him. I’m sure that would be breaking some cosmic rule or some shit.

Which is exactly what I told him.

He threw a fry at my head, but missed and said if he were the last man on earth that I would never be able to resist.

I rolled my eyes and gave him my favorite finger and I told him that just because I liked Cas, it didn’t mean I was attracted to everything that moved.

He said that was hard to believe since I’ve dated half the school. Which, not true. It’s been like… well I don't know the number right now but it hasn't been half the school. We fought about that for a little bit before he said that he was sorry that he had said that and that I could kick his ass if he were a dick ever again.

Well I added that last part, but I could tell he had wanted to say that.

After confessing that I thought I had ruined things with Cas, he got this really serious look on his face. He told me that I better get it together because he liked Cas being in the group. This was kind of surprising to me because it had taken a bit for Benny to even warm up to Cas. I hadn’t known their relationship went beyond school lunch. Turns out Cas had helped him with one of his history papers and they’ve hung out a few times.

After telling me to get my shit together, he asked me when the last time I backed away from a situation whenever it got too difficult. And I guess he was right. And this thing with Cas shouldn’t have been this weird.

He told me that I needed to march my ass over to Cas’ and stop wallowing.

And that’s why Benny’s my best friend. He doesn't take any of my bullshit. Also, he’s the only one who likes black licorice like me so there's that too.

We have good taste.

After that, I did the only rational thing: I went to find Cas.

First I checked the diner but didn't see his car in the usual spot. I was happy that I had more time to think about what all I was going to say to him. I was pretty much a ball of nerves when I reached his house. I sat in his driveway, I shit you not, just practicing all that I had come up with.

It didn't take me a long time to find him, he was taking a nap in his hammock in his backyard.

I ended up staring at him like a creep for a bit just thinking to myself how bad this idea was.

I was pretty close to saying fuck it, scraping the whole idea, and leaving. Then Cas had to wake up. Looked a little freaked out when he saw me, which I would be too if some creep were staring at me while I slept.

Took less than a minute for Cas to move over. We just sat there swinging for a bit. It was so hot and humid our arms were sticking together with sweat and the only thing that was keeping us semi-cool was the swinging. It was quiet and I could barely breathe but it had little to do with the air and more to do with what I was feeling.

I took a few deep breaths and before I knew it, my hand had found its way to his.

Felt like the butterflies in my stomach were going to fly out of my mouth if I wasn't careful.

I just looked at our hands, because I didn't trust myself to look at Cas just yet.

And everything that I had planned to say just disappeared and all I asked was if I could have a redo.

He told me that I had really hurt him.

I told him that it was the last thing that I had wanted to do and then I just started spilling everything that I had been thinking the last few days. From the fact that I had had feelings for him for a little while now, but didn't know what to do with them since I had never had feelings for another guy before; to the fact that I was an idiot for pulling away while I was kissing him on the Ferris wheel. I told him I didn't reject him on the Ferris wheel and that if he didn't like me any more than that was fine even though that was furthest from the truth.

I was about to tell him all about what Benny and Charlie told me, but Cas put his hand on my neck.

I decided to look up and I felt like my heart was working twice as hard. He moved closer and I thought if I happened to pass out, it would be justifiable.

Before he kissed me, he told me that we should both have a redo.

Good news, I didn't pass out.

It was nice.

It was different from the one on the Ferris wheel. I guess this time I wasn't as shocked and I could, I don't know, enjoy it more?

Kissing him was different than kissing any other girl. Cas gave me ones that were rougher. Not complaining. I’ve also started noticing that he likes to give me these pecking kisses sometimes.

So yeah, I’m dating Cas now and it feels pretty good. I’m glad that we’re starting over.

We ended up getting so sweaty (not because of that) after that our first official date was at the lake right after. After that, we ended up coming back to his place and eating sandwiches and watching the sunset on his hammock, eating takeout, and practically being eaten alive by mosquitos.

Even though I have mosquito bites between my toes (those little fuckers), it was still pretty perfect.

Wow dating.

I guess we’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now.

Haven't don’t more than make out which I’m okay with. Cassie and I didn’t start fucking till I guess about a month in. With Cas, I wouldn't mind taking it slower if he wanted to.

(Sidenote): Later when I told Kevin about Cas and me, being the smarty pants that he was, he told me that it had been obvious that I liked Cas.

Yeah okay, Kevin…

iT HaD BeEn ObVioUs…

Anyway, Cas is coming over later after my shift to talk about the summer reading I was supposed to do. This year the book is Into the Wild. Cas says I’d like it but I doubt it. I read two pages and I fell asleep. We’re probably going to have one of those Socratic seminars or something. I usually just make up some shit and call it a day.

Hell, I should just suck it up for this book. Even Benny said he liked it.

So, Chuck hired two sisters a month ago named Claire and Alex… or was it, Annie… No, it was definitely Alex… I think.

They're pretty nice. When they told me they were sisters, I thought they were lying cuz they don't look alike at all. I guess I can't talk since Sam and I don't look like siblings either.

Claire and Alex are actually pretty cool. Claire teaches guitar lessons and also singing lessons in the back room of the shop. One of her students, who she teaches singing to is tone-deaf. Ash, that fucking jerk, somehow got Chuck to switch all my days with his just so he wouldn't have to listen to that one student.

Pamela and I just make jokes about the tone-deaf kid. She even got me a pair of earbuds so that helps.

Sometimes Alex just turns up the music in the shop.

Claire’s always in a worse mood afterward.

Alex and I try to cheer her up, but that always backfires.

Anyway, we had our school photos the other day. They just threw this bib thing on us all that made us look all dressed up. The thing made me feel like a big fancy baby. And the lady photographer kept trying to mess with my hair. I wish they did the school photos later. My face has all these freckles on it that I hate.

Cas said he loves them, but he has to say that since we’re dating.

Speaking of senior photos, I thought of a few senior quotes while hanging out with the group last week. Here goes:

  1. I’m batman
  2. That was scary!
  3. Pudding!



Senior year. Wow. Finally.

At the end of May, when we were planning our classes, seniors get to choose if they don't want a class during lunch period or a last class. Everyone except Dorothy and Kevin has a longer lunch since their schedules are full. So that means we all get an hour for lunch. I think we’re just going to take turns carpooling each other during lunch.

We’re supposed to go on a field trip in January to Kansas City so that should be fun I guess. Hopefully, we don't have to do any paper afterward. During freshman year, we went to this museum and we had to write a paper afterward.

Lame. The museum wasn't even good.

Well, I gotta go. Have to go to work soon and I gotta eat something before then. Last Monday, I was at a pretty good number when I checked so I didn't eat as much before work, but then I was low at work a couple of hours later and had to do some damage control for part of my shift. Cas brought me some food and that helped. By the end of the shift, it had leveled out enough for me to go work out with Benny after my shift.

So I’m not going to be doing that again.

Smell ya later,

Dean.


	12. Back to School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow 1k hits! Thank you to everyone who has stuck around! And thank you to everyone who has COMMENTED. It truly makes my day!

**Tuesday, October 16th, 2018**

Dear Future Me,

No school for me or Sam today, teacher workday. Cas and I might study today for this math test this Friday. Kevin joined model UN, so he’s studying for their big debate this weekend. Benny and Charlie are still getting over the flu. They were out of school for three days last week. Cas said he felt under the weather last Friday and I didn't see him until yesterday. He said he was feeling better and that he wasn't sure what it was. I gotta say, it’s nice to know the guy I'm swapping spit with won't give me the flu. 

Anyway, Sam and I ended up meeting up with Bela at this breakfast place between our two towns at around 10 this morning. 

Funniest thing, the damn restaurant’s music box was broken and only played the song ‘Heat of the Moment’, which annoyed the crap out of Sam. 

Shame he doesn’t like it. It’s a damn good song. 

Bela’s been out of the hospital since September and I want to believe she's doing good. 

She only ate a little bit of her breakfast this morning, but at least it wasn't all one color. She even stole a bite of Sam’s pancakes. Sure she did it just to annoy him.

I approve.

I almost got the PIG ‘N A POKE special but decided to go with the safer route of eggs and bacon. And a lot of coffee. My numbers had been steady for the first time that morning, and I didn’t want to mess that up. Was up a lot of the night with Dad dealing with my crappy system. Had a low then a spike so close together that it made me feel like I was going to puke. Finally went back to bed at 6 am. 

During breakfast, Sam kept talking about some field trip he and his history class were taking to the wax museum. Bela was telling him about her experience. I couldn't really focus on the full conversation because I was too busy wondering when his hair had become so long… it’s down to his shoulders now.

When I told Bela about Cas and me, she said she should have made a bet with me about Cas when she had the chance. 

Sammy didn't care that Cas and I were dating. He got along pretty well with Cas before we started dating. He told us to keep the PDA to a minimum if he were around.

Dad found out that we were dating about a month into Cas and mine's relationship when he found Cas and I kissing (not making out). He just quietly walked away and was weird around me for a couple of days. Which, I expected. 

I was doing some homework at the dining room table when he decided to talk again. He told me that he didn't really understand me being into Cassie then Castiel so quickly.

I told him that Cassie and I had been broken up since the beginning of the year and I had noticed my feelings for Cas in the summer. It wasn't actually that sudden. 

Then, he asked if I just considered myself gay because I was with Cas now. 

Didn’t know how to answer that question then, but now I think it means that I’m bisexual no matter who I was with. Just because I was with a guy didn’t mean I was gay. And if I was with a girl it didn't mean that I was suddenly straight either. Sort of defeated the whole bisexual part. I’m still trying to figure it all out but all I know is that I like Cas.

He also asked if I wasn't sure if this was a phase I was going through, and I was just confused.

I told him no, and that there were a ton of things that were confusing, but that Cas wasn't one of them.

Finally, he said he was going out for a drink. 

I don't think he actually went out for a drink that night. I think he went to a support group or two because I saw some pamphlets a couple days afterward titled “So, Your Child is Bisexual.”

Also... one that said, “When it’s Finally Time to Have Intercourse Again”.

….

Yeah…. Nope... I'm not tackling that one… 

….

After dad mentally scarred me for life, we had a family dinner together with Cas and it wasn't as awkward as I thought it was gonna be. I think maybe Dad is getting more used to Cas. Though, I’m not sure if they know when the other one is joking or not. 

My dad just jokes randomly, but his voice stays the same. Sometimes I don’t think he’s actually joking.

Cas’ face is so serious when he makes jokes that sometimes I don't even catch them. 

It’s cute I guess.

Anyway, it’s almost been a year since I was diagnosed with type 1.

To think that almost a year ago, I was so sick that I was drinking a ton of water and eating a minimum of three oranges a day. I think the biggest red flag was the weight loss. I was shedding it without even trying. I knew something wasn't right but I think I was too scared to admit it. Never would I have thought it would have been type one. I can't imagine if Sam hadn't told Dad what was going on or if Dad hadn't been suspicious. I just would’ve ended up getting sicker. 

My management of it has gotten better. I obviously still have highs and lows but all in all, I think I’m doing okay. My A1c is now at 7.1 which isn’t bad but It isn't much different than my last A1C back a few months ago.

I’ve gotten more used to the needles at least. Guess I should consider poke myself around 10 times a day. 8 if I’m lucky.13 if I'm not lucky. 

I also have this routine for mealtimes that make things a bit easier. They're good habits, don't worry. For breakfast, I eat eggs or toast, sometimes cereal. Cereal makes me spike later, so I don't eat it often. At lunch, I have some type of sandwich or leftovers. I also have snacks throughout the day like fruit or crackers depending on where I am. If I’m steady and not hungry, sometimes I don't have a snack. For dinner, I guess it just has to do with portions. It isn't always fool-proof, but it's a good routine. Sometimes I’ll just wing it depending on what my blood sugar is or if I just feel like winging it. Carb counting has also been a big thing. If I know I’m going to have something that's high carb, I’ll sometimes reduce the number of carbs for that day or just pre-bolus 50% before I eat then 50% after. 

It’s also been a year and six months since I binged and purged and it's a pretty awesome feeling. I hadn’t even realized it till I had my checkup with Dr. Walker. It was my last appointment with him actually. The scale thing was a little moment of weakness, but I think I can say that I've recovered from my eating disorder or at least pretty damn close. A year and six months. Pretty proud. 

I took myself out for pie to celebrate, and Cas joined me, though, he didn't know that I was celebrating. 

So, we’ve been back to school since the first week of September. 

ANDDDDD also...

I have decided to do wrestling again this year. I wasn't going to at first, but I thought since this is my senior year and all, I’d give it another go. Also, Benny finally got to me. We have our first practice next week and I’m pretty excited. 

Coach ended up making Benny the team captain. His brother Tim had also been captain his senior year too, so he was pretty excited about it. I gave Benny some black licorice to congratulate him. 

He’s been showing me some new moves that Tim had taught him and I think we’ve gotten better.We have our first meeting for wresting in early November. Dad was happy that I decided to do it again. I think he likes it better than me having a job during the school year but I like working at the music shop. I just had my hours reduced at work to the weekends.

I think this year is going to be better since I know more about my type 1. Not saying I’m a pro or anything but I'm definitely better than I was last year. 

So, the first day of school went pretty well. Nothing really exciting. A couple weeks in, we made this substitute teacher for Algebra class cry. I’m betting that had more to do with his girlfriend breaking up with him then us being loud… oh yeah and most of us traded names when he did roll call…

It’s tradition! 

When our teacher came back, she was pissed. Like the kind of pissed we hadn't seen before. She was silent the first 10 minutes of class so we were quiet too. She gave this whole speech about how we were the worst class she had had in the 20 something years of her teaching and blah blah blah. I mean it’s not like we didn’t finish the busy work she gave us... Well I finished it at least. Dad says I have to keep my grades up. I didn't ask “or what” Because I don't think I want to know the “or else” part. Well she gave us this 5 page worksheet. And that doesn't sound bad, but every page had a back and a front.   
That was just… awesome. 

All I gotta say is that at least it wasn't geometry. Almost failed the end of the year test last year. 

Anyway, I never thought I would say this, but I actually missed nurse Mildred over the summer. You tend to get pretty close when you see someone multiple times in a week. I went to go drop off my new supply bag and she called me her favorite patient. She even complimented the new bag. This new one had unicorns on it. 

Kidding.

It was red instead of black. Kevin got me a pin that said “Insulin addict for life” which was funny so I stuck it on there.

My first class everyday is Algebra. Benny’s in my class and that’s pretty fun. We don't have assigned seats so it’s even better. 

We went to the diner for the first day of our extended lunch period. 

The first conversation was about who would play us in a movie. Charlie thinks that this guy from My Bloody Valentine looks like me, but I just don't see it. 

Sam obviously doesn't have lunch with us, but I think he’s fitting in pretty well. I checked up on him during his lunch after one of my visits with nurse Mildred. He’s already got a little group of his own.

Translated as “he no longer needs his big brother”.

It's fine… I’m fine… everyone’s fine….

No, but for real, I'm happy for him. Little Sammy’s growing up. 

And I guess that makes two of us because I applied to Kansas State University and a few other colleges in September. Only because there wasn’t an application fee.

It started at lunch one day. Benny told the rest of the group he was going to help his brother with his restaurant in New Orleans after graduation. He had told me a couple weeks prior.

Kevin said something about an MIT school. Charlie said she wasn't feeling the whole “college thing” and was going to work right after college. Benny told her hacking computers wasn't a real job and she gave him the middle finger and said “but coding is”. 

Cas said that he was applying for colleges and told me that I should apply too. At a point in my life, I wasn't even considering ever going to college. That was also around the same time where I cared more about calories than anything else. So, I figured what the hell, it wouldn't hurt if I applied. 

My essay was about something pretty close to me. I was skeptical if I should even write about it. But, I figured since it's so close to me, I owed it to the universe to tell others about this very important thing in my life. I’m sure they might even cry when they read it. I just hope that whoever reads this little gift, really gets something out of it that will last forever.

Yes, that's right, I'm talking about our 1967 Chevy Impala, Baby.

The essay was so good it brought me to tears. 

Cas wasn't as impressed but I know it’s going to be a winner.

But speaking of Cas, things with him have been going really good. 

I mean the guy hates black licorice and he didn't even laugh when I lip-synched the whole “Eye of the Tiger” to him, but those are small flaws I am willing to overlook.

We agreed to keep it lowkey at school. Not that we're trying to keep it a secret, it’s just that we're not trying to be gross. Cassie and I didn't really do much at school either when we were dating. Cas and I hold hands sometimes or kiss when we meet at school.

We do a lot of the same things that we did when we weren’t dating; like listening to music and watching movies. He shows me some of his sketches that he's done too. Some had me in them. He’s about halfway done with this sketchbook. His art has gotten better since I met him. Considering he was really good before. 

We also do things that we didn't do before we were dating. We’ve only given each other handjobs and blowjobs. It was in the bunker and we were the only ones home. Cas had given me a blowjob before this and I wanted to repay the favor.

So I watched a ton of porn and well also….I practiced…. on a banana to get ready and now I can't look at them the same way ever again.

When I tried it on Cas, I ended up using too much teeth. He ended up talking to me through most of it.

He’s weirdly way more experienced than I thought. I sort of thought we would be on the same level. I’m on level 1 and he's on level 5 at least. He looks so innocent until he starts talking dirty to me (never thought I would like it as much but here we are). The first time he did it, I couldn't think straight for at least half an hour. I’ve noticed my brain kind of short circuits when he does that. And all this from the guy who listens to hymns in his free time. 

Sort of disturbing if I think about it for too long.

I asked him how he knew all that stuff, but he kind of just shrugged and said it was from porn. When I asked him what kind of porn he liked he just said he wasn't picky. I knew he was lying because he doesn't look at me when he lies. I was snooping on his laptop’s browser history once and it was as clean as a freaking whistle. And the history went back more than a month.

I think I just have to come to terms with the fact that Cas is a mystery that I’ll have to take my time solving until he tells me more about himself.

Anyway, Sam’s been bugging me to take him to the store to get props for his Halloween costume.

I’m supposed to go with Kevin next week to help him pick out his Halloween costume too. Don’t know when I became the Halloween costume Guru, but he and Charlie always go head to head to see who has a better costume. He’s going to dress up like the little mermaid and I think he just might win this year.

I’m probably just going as a cowboy or something. 

Dean.


	13. Moose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a job!!!! Finally!! but I'm already like finished with the story so you guys don't have to worry about me not finishing this ahah.

****

**Monday, October 22, 2018**

Hey Jerk,

It’s your favorite brother.

I’m supposed to be picking out clothes for you. After a few days in the hospital, they’re finally releasing you. I found your letters on your desk in this cool letterbox so I thought I might write a letter to you. Don’t worry, I only read a few sentences from the first letter to understand what this was.

I think it’s cute that you have a diary, man.

True chick flick moment.

No, but in all seriousness, I think it’s cool that you’re doing this.

So get this, you’re in the hospital because of the flu.

You slept till 11 am on Saturday morning. Dad and I didn't think much of it because you did that sometimes. But when you finally staggered downstairs you ended up just sitting down at the table and laid your head down. Turns out your numbers were a little low.

Dad tried to get you to eat more than a piece of toast with jelly but you said you felt like you were gonna puke. And then you went to go lay down on the couch per dad’s request since he wanted to keep a close eye on you.

The next 6 hours were fine. You just slept on and off. You drank some water and ate a little bit of chicken noodle soup to satisfy dad.

When you woke up again it was dinner time.

You were a little sweaty and looked a little green and you didn't eat much oatmeal at first but Dad kind of forced you to because you already had your insulin. You got most of it down... till you started puking. Which obviously wasn't good. So he called your endocrinologist, Rafael, and he said to give you some juice and to not skip out on the insulin. The juice stayed down enough to kick up your levels a little bit so that put us both at ease.

I ended up sleeping on your floor that night. I picked up at least 10 test strips by the way.

Dude, you leave those things in the most random places.

Anyway, I think you woke me up at around 1 o'clock when you started making these sounds.

At first, I thought you were having a bad dream till I peeped over and you were just sweating everywhere. Like your sheets and you were soaked. I yelled for dad and he came running into the room.

It was pretty scary to see you so out of it. You kept flailing your arms and legs but your eyes were barely open. And you were crying. And that was before dad had even checked your levels. When he did all you kept saying was “other finger” and “hurts” but we weren’t sure if you meant just your fingers or your whole body. Dad just picked the pinky and later we found out that you had pricked the pinky that morning. Sorry about that. Guess it would've hurt.

Your number was at a 32 which was the lowest I'd ever seen them. We tried to get you to drink some more juice but you refused to even open your mouth.

Things got a little crazier when you just went completely still. Like no flailing, no talking, barely breathing.

It took dad about a minute to go and get the red Glucagon kit. I was glad that dad didn't ask me to do it, I wouldn't have known where it was and I was shaking too much. We hadn't had to use it, but we’d seen videos and the doctors had explained it at one point.

He had to mix this powder stuff with this liquid stuff before putting it in the syringe. We didn't really know how you would react to it.

When you started to wake up again, I felt like I could finally breathe. I think dad and I were both sweating.

You then ended up puking.... on my pants and feet actually. And I gotta say... there’s nothing like puke in between your toes to really wake you up.

We were able to get a little bit of juice in you after that but you were flat out refusing to eat more than half of a cracker. You were still so out of it that not even Dad saying, “that's an order” did anything.

After that, we took you to the hospital. Don’t worry, I changed while Dad was getting you to the car.

It was pretty bad, dude. They had to pump you full of liquids because you were dehydrated on top of everything else.

Things started to look up by the middle of the day. When you finally had enough energy to talk, you didn't remember much of the night before so we had to fill you in. You were also still too tired to do much of anything else.

I gotta say, seeing you in that hospital bed was really scary. You hadn’t been hooked up to that many tubes since that one December when we found out about your eating disorder. Once we got word from your doctor that you were going to be okay, I finally fully relaxed.

Castiel was your first visit the next day and he didn't seem thrown off with the tube sticking out of your arms. I like him. At first, I thought he was a little weird, but I think he’s good for you. You sometimes get this look of sadness in your eyes and I just like seeing you happy. When he’s around, the sadness goes away for a little while.

I think it's been there for a long time now. Looking back, I think it started around the time of your eating disorder.

I noticed something was up a little before you told us at the hospital that one day, but I just didn't know what it was. I guess I started to notice weird things like how you'd finish your plate but never ask for seconds like you used to do. Or, how you'd always go to the bathroom right after we were all done eating. Once or twice I heard you in the bathroom. I didn't understand it back then so I didn't say anything.

Now that I’m older, a part of me wonders if I had said something sooner, you wouldn't have been in such a mess. I know if I ever told you this, you’d just say it was all your fault or something.

I think the sadness got better once you started recovery but then it was, like, full-fledged when Mom died. Dad was putting too much energy into work to notice how you had trouble getting out of bed every morning before school for about a month. On the weekends you wouldn't even come out of your room. Or you’d go to the bunker for hours.

That’s when I started turning up the volume to the TV.

It eventually worked. We had a huge fight about it but it got you out of bed.

It was hard seeing you like that because, well, I guess I look up to you.

I’ve always liked how you just take everything that’s happened to you and you just deal with it. You’ve dealt with your eating disorder, you deal with the fact that Mom is gone, and you deal with your diabetes.

I know Dad can be a little hard on you sometimes, but you've been dealing with the “d-bag” like a freaking pro. I’m not sure I could ever deal with something like that.

Guess I'd have to if I ever got it.

But, anyway, you'll be happy to know that on Friday, Ms. Rowena told the theater club that we’re doing The Addam’s Family in January. I know how much you love that. Thanks for making it to both of my plays. I know you weren't too fond of when we did the Crucible or Alice in Wonderland. Guess I knew that if Dad was working, at least you’d be in the crowd. Can’t tell you who I’m going to try out as, but just know, I’m doing it for you.

Well, I gotta go. Dad’s calling me. When you read this, just know that you're a good big brother.

Also, what’s great about this letter is that you won’t know I was snooping for a long time.

P.S I’m totally gonna grab the Justin Bieber shirt that Jo gave you that one Christmas. The fact that you haven't given it away probably means that you secretly like it.

Bye, Jerk.

Sam :P <\--- that’s a smiley face sticking its tongue out if you couldn’t tell.


	14. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this was one of my FAVORITE chapters to write so I’m eager to know your thoughts!!
> 
> And happy spooky season! Castiel will hit it off with an origin story. Also unintentionally his logo looks like a giant pumpkin. 
> 
> The few Trigger warnings are at the end. I don’t want to spoil anything but at the same time if you want to see them they’re there.

****

**Wednesday, October 24, 2018**

Hello Dean,

It’s Castiel.

I apologize for intruding on these letters of yours. Sam told me about your letters to your future self so I decided to write one to add to your collection.

There are things I have not told you about me. Things that I don't like to talk about.

Maybe writing this letter will make it easier to eventually tell you about everything that has happened to me when I’m ready.

I should warn you, It’s a lot.

Well, to begin, you have to know that my parents grew up in a religious cult in Ford City, Nebraska. I shouldn’t say that because it really isn't a cult but the more I hear about it, the more bizarre it sounds. They were just a really strict small town. My mom once told me that the women weren't allowed to wear pants or makeup and that everyone was expected to go to church. If a member didn't, the whole town would know about it and avoid them until they went to church again.

My mom always didn't enjoy talking about it and would always touch this cross necklace when she would. I came to know it as a nervous habit. She would do it quite often.

Michael, my birth father who was 17 at the time, was the son of one of the higher up leaders. My mother, Eve, was 16. Her parents had moved there when she was 10. Michael and my mom started seeing each other in secret. At the time, Michael was going to be married to this lady named Layla when he turned 18.

It’s hard to see her and Michael’s faces in the few pictures that I had seen of them together, but the way that she would talk about him made it sound like she really liked him

When my mother found out she was pregnant with me, it was right before her 17th birthday. When she told Michael, he told her that he would deny that the baby was his if she told anyone and that she would ruin his chances of being a town leader.

She kept the secret, but when everyone started noticing that she was pregnant, and wasn't married, everyone started talking. Her parents kicked her out, and she started living with my aunt Tessa in Lawrence, Kansas for a little while.

She told me that it took 32 hours in total to birth me. She ended up pushed for a while before she had to have an emergency C-section.

My mom also said that even though she had the most stressful birth experience, I was a really easy baby. She gave me the nickname Angel.

When I was about three years old, my mom met this guy named Gabriel, who is the only one I will ever call Dad. He worked as a comic illustrator. They ended up getting married when I was 5, and we moved to Pontiac, Illinois, into this green house with dark blue shutters. Mom said my dad wanted to paint it, but she liked it so much that he couldn't do it.

My mom was the happiest she had ever been, and I think I was too.

She even started her new job as an assistant to the president of this one company.

One tradition of my dad and I was to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He’d always eat the crusts off my sandwich, and we’d play trivia or Sorry! together.

Right after my 8th birthday in July, Mom and he told me they were going to have a baby. Not too long after, we found out that it was going to be a girl and they were going to name her Anna. Life was going really well. I had a Dad, a Mom, and a sister on the way, we had a nice house, I loved my school, and I had even just started learning how to skateboard.

I felt like I was on a rollercoaster that only went up.

That is until Gabriel got really sick at the beginning of October. He told us all not to worry about him, and that it was just the bug, but one day he couldn't even get out of bed. That’s when we took him to the hospital. The doctors ran all these tests and they just couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. He just kept getting sicker and thinner.

He died a week before Halloween. I was in school when it had happened.

He was my dad and I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

A week later we had the funeral.

I remember it being the chilliest day. Almost like the world knew it had lost someone great, and it was suffering too.

Mom just slept and slept for a couple of weeks after that. Aunt Tessa had moved in when my dad started to get sick and had just stayed around. She ran the diner from miles away.

Aunt Tessa would make her food, but she would never eat much. She never had much energy to do anything. Aunt Tessa and I were mainly the ones to decorate Anna’s room actually.

She let me pick out the room’s paint color. It didn't take me long to find the perfect shade of pink. I saw it and somehow I knew that it just reminded me of Anna.

I still remember its code, #FCECF8.

She and I went to this indoor market one day in December to get some doughnuts that my mom was craving. It was the first real craving she had had since the funeral. We were about to leave when I spotted this grey stuffed mouse. It was homemade and had two different colored eyes, but I loved it. It cost 6 dollars, but I only had 4.01 so my aunt paid for the rest of it. That was the first thing I ever bought Anna. After we got home and washed it, I placed it in her crib.

My Mom went into labor the day after Christmas, two months earlier than she was due.

Anna was a stillborn.

It was devastating because we had all been so excited to meet her. I had obviously never had a sibling before and the idea of one meant hope, especially after my dad had died. And now that hope was gone.

When my mom got home from the hospital, she couldn't even look at Anna’s room.

When my aunt and I found her in a heap in front of Anna’s room a week later, clutching the cross necklace, we decided to start taking the room down. I was sad when the once light pink room was white again. It just made me think of Anna. When I see anything close to that color I just go back to thinking about how I never got to know her.

I saw her in a dream once.

She had red hair.

That’s how I have chosen to picture her.

After the room was back to white and everything else was gone, I took Anna’s stuffed mouse and dug a hole in the backyard. When I got ready to put the mouse in the ground, I found that I couldn't do it. I ended up breaking down. Everything came crashing down and I couldn't hold back my feelings anymore. My mom found me an hour later outside shivering despite the coat I had on and crying and clinging to that stuffed mouse.

After that incident, it was as if a light switch had flipped for her and she seemed better. She started working again and had even been hanging out with some friends.

This was all until she met Nick when I was 10. They started dating and I had to see him more often. He seemed a little off when I met him. I remember him being loud when he spoke or fidget during dinner. When he smiled and his teeth were sort of yellow. He would always do this thing where he'd clap my shoulder a little too hard too. It made me hate him more. I even started hiding my favorite cereal from him because he would eat it all and leave the box empty.

When my Mom didn't come home on one Tuesday night, I got a little worried. Her cell would ring a little then go straight to voicemail meaning she was choosing to ignore the messages.

It was a relief that her phone wasn't dead.

When she came home on Thursday, there was something different about her, though I couldn’t place why.

My suspicion was correct because she also started to change over the following months. She’d do small things, like not brush her hair, or wear some… revealing outfits. It was as if she didn’t care anymore. She also had these bags under her eyes that she had never had before.

Two weeks after I turned 11, I came home from skateboarding with a friend to find my Mom and Nick on the couch with this white stuff on the table. My mom’s excuse was that life had been hard for her and that the drugs had helped. Which, I didn't quite understand. Life had been hard for me too and I wasn't doing drugs.

Afterward, she apologized and she wouldn't do it again. The first couple of months I believed her until I found the same powder stuff in the kitchen. When I confronted her she told me that it was her last time doing it, and I was so naive that I believed her.

When I was 13, I found my piggy bank shattered in my room. I had been saving up all my birthday money for a new skateboard so I was devastated. Nick or Mom never brought it up, but I knew they had done it. After that, I started hiding my money in these old pairs of tall rain boots at the back of my closet. I ended up saving enough to buy the black and orange angel wing skateboard that I have now.

In January, when I was 15, one morning before school, I found my Mom choking on her own vomit in the living room.

I didn't remember much, but I remember shaking so badly that I had a difficult time dialing 911. Just thinking about that day brings chills down my spine.

She had overdosed on pills. I was sure they were Nick’s pills too. I didn't even know she had started taking pills. My aunt was called and came to live with me for a little while. She ended up gaining temporary custody over me while Mom went into treatment.

When my aunt brought up that she wanted me to come live with her, in Kansas, I was hesitant at first. I had been in Illinois since I was 5. Everything was here. My dad, Anna, and my Mom. So, Tessa let me finish off my 10th-grade year and the summer following.

That summer was when I met Richard Roman. Dick for short. Which was kind of fitting now that I think about it…

Sounds like something you would say.

Anyway, he was living with his grandparents temporarily working on their farm. He was 17. We met at the general store. He gave me one of these grins, complimented my skateboard, and asked me where the best place for cupcakes was and we just hit it off from there.

I won’t lie to you, he was my first for a lot of things. It’s not something I am proud of, and if I could change it, I would.

I had never really had serious feelings for anyone until I met Dick.

Once when I tried to hold his hand one really hot day at the park, he pulled his hand back like he had touched acid.

Then he told me he wasn't gay.

I should have ended the relationship after that, but he gave me another one of his grins and I just couldn’t. I chose to ignore a lot of red flags with him.

We kept our relationship a secret and still kept seeing each other. At the end of the summer, Dick stole some of his grandparent’s wine and we hung out in his grandpa’s barn. The wine wasn't nearly as good as I expected. It made me feel a little woozy, but I liked it. It was nice having the world slow down for a little while.

While we were kissing, I told him that I loved him.

He said he wasn't gay.

I said “I know” and we went back to kissing.

He left three days later without a goodbye. I tried to contact him, but he never responded. I think his grandparents ended up moving not long after.

When Dick left, I felt so lonely again. He kept my mind off of everything that had happened. He may have used me, but I used him too.

I had this idea that he would come back and sweep me off my feet, but I never saw him again.

Just to let you know, you have never made me feel like our relationship should be a dirty little secret like Dick had. I have also never felt used or like I was using you.

To add insult to injury, I found out that my Mom had run off with Nick. I felt so angry. I remember asking my aunt why she could ever love Nick more than she loved me.

She didn't know what to say.

I told her if we moved, I wouldn't be ready to go back to school yet. She said I could do some online classes for a semester if I wanted to.

That day, I packed up all of my stuff, and I moved to Lawrence, Kansas to go live with Tessa.

Now I work at the diner. I told her that I would work for free, but she still pays me.

I did homeschool for a semester. It’s where I met Meg and some of the people you met at trivia night.

The next time I saw my Mom was when I was 16... I actually told you I had a stomach ache earlier this month, but it was more like heartache. I didn't want to tell you everything just yet, and I knew if I saw you I wouldn’t have been able to control my emotions so I avoided you.

I almost didn't recognize her when she walked into the diner. It wasn't until she called me angel, my old nickname, did I recognize her.

When she gave me a hug, all I could feel were her bony arms and all I could smell was cigarette smoke.

She was no longer the person I had known. Her teeth were as yellow as Nick’s were when I had first met him. She also had these sores on her arms that she kept picking at when she was talking to me, particularly favoring the inside of her right elbow.

But out of everything, what scared me the most was that she wasn't wearing her cross necklace anymore. I had never seen her without that necklace. When I asked her about it, she just told me that she had misplaced it.

I could tell she was lying when she couldn't look me in the eyes.

She tried to explain that she was better and that she wasn't with Nick anymore.

Again. She didn't look me in the eyes.

She then said she needed money.

I refused to give it to her. I told her that I could order her some dinner or Aunt Tessa and I would give her a place to stay, but she declined. I knew that she would spend it on things that would hurt her and I couldn't be a part of that. I told her that much and she was just quiet after that. She pulled out this dark green photo album from her bag that I had never seen before.

I opened to the first page before I closed it quickly. When I looked back up at her she had this weird expression on her face. Later thinking about it, I think it was a mixture of sadness and sorrow.

The photo album contained pictures of Michael and her. In one picture, he was in a suit and she was in a yellow dress. As I said before, I had only seen a few pictures of him and it had been hard to tell his features fully, but now I realized that I actually looked a lot like him. The biggest knot formed in my throat till it felt like I couldn't breathe and I excused myself.

When I came back to the table, all that was left was the photo album.

I ran out of the diner but it was too late. I only saw the red car as it drove away. I shouted at her to come back until my throat hurt.

But it didn't matter. I couldn't stop her and I couldn't make her stay.

She didn't even look back.

I felt like I had failed. I hated myself at that moment. I had a chance to at least call my aunt to get help but I didn't. And if I hadn't left to go cry like a wimp, my mom wouldn't have slipped away.

When I told my aunt about my mom’s visit she rushed over and just held me until I didn't have any more tears left. Aunt Tessa just kept saying it wasn't my fault.

I didn't believe her.

I sometimes wonder how things ever got so bad and what I could have done differently to help her.

I haven't seen my mom since that night. Part of me is glad, but the other part just wants her back again.

I’m glad I met you, Dean. You're not like anyone I’ve ever met before.

Even though I didn't show it, I very much enjoyed it when you sang that tiger eye song.

To tell you the truth, that first day with my locker...I got my locker open on the first try. I told you the wrong number so you’d have a reason to help me. And then when you invited me to sit with you at lunch I was ecstatic. I really like your friends. And I really like your family too, even though your Dad is kind of intimidating sometimes.

I just wanted to end the letter off with a simple I love you. I hope to tell you that someday.

I’m going to go now. Bye, Dean.

Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. I love this chapter so darn much. 
> 
> Okay trigger warning: stillborn. Drug use. Minor character death.


	15. Back in Black

**Wednesday, November 21st, 2018**

[Dear Future Me,](https://forms.gle/PEuZc6GVcnioXBF66)

So, I’m back.

That flu and the d-bag really kicked my ass.

I’ve been back to school for a few weeks now.

I guess I started feeling a little off a few days before the flu actually hit me. On Friday I fell asleep during last period. When I woke up, this girl named Lisa said I hadn't missed much and showed me her notes. I thanked her but was too tired to copy them.

When I checked my blood sugar before lunch, it was running a little high. At lunch, I ate the sandwich I had, only because I had already taken my insulin, but I wasn't hungry at all. When I put my head down, I think Cas and the group got a little worried. Cas actually threw a pack of some M&Ms at me.

Dinner went pretty much the same way. I went to bed early that night.

I felt pretty cruddy when I woke up in the middle of the night, sweaty and thirsty. Again, I was running pretty high, so I have myself a couple of units.

Went downhill from there. Sam told me what had happened because I couldn’t remember much other than this burning sensation everywhere. I passed out. Got glucagon in my thigh. Puked on Sammy (ha). Went to the hospital for a few days.

Fun times.

Wouldn't recommend it though. Glucagon and having the flu have a tendency to make you feel pretty shitty afterward.

Charlie and Benny both said that when they got the flu it drained them. I expected a few days but it took a week for me to start feeling better and another week after that to feel like myself again.

It was nice to be back on regular food again since I was eating things like applesauce and oatmeal. I have nothing against those two, but I prefer food that you actually have to chew before you swallow it.

Cas read me this hilarious comic called The Trickster. Said his late step-dad, Gabriel wrote it and told me a little about him. He seemed like a really great guy. I could tell that Gabriel really had meant a lot to Cas by the way he was talking about him.

He got so animated like I hadn't seen him before and it was nice to see him let his guard down. He doesn’t do that often.

I have a feeling the reason Cas likes art so much is because of Gabriel.

Charlie, Benny, Kevin, and Cas all came to visit me during my hospital stay and even though I was still pretty tired, it was nice to listen to them bicker. Never thought I would miss it that much. Benny was going on about it’s sacrilegious that Charlie’s family gets takeout on thanksgiving. This wasn't new information to me. Last year they had Thai food. Guess Benny wasn't paying attention to the group message. Kevin and he both tried to invite her and her family to each of their houses but she declined since this year they were apparently having Greek this year. Benny grabbed his chest like he was having a heart attack.

I told him he shouldn’t do that in a hospital or he would be laying in a bed like me.

Personally, I don't care what’s for Thanksgiving. As long as there's pie, nobody gets hurt.

We’re going to Bobby’s house tomorrow for Thanksgiving which I’m always excited about. I think I’m going to try a new macaroni and cheese dish that has bacon in it. Sam’s going to hate it because he hates bacon, but like that’s going to stop me from making it.

I’ll probably end up making a plain version for him.

No, wait a minute. I’m still mad at him. He’s the reason I had to wear that Justin Bieber shirt when I got out of the hospital.

Bitch.

I’m just gonna say it’s veggie bacon.

Gross.

WHO DOESN'T LIKE BACON? I MEAN COME ON.

IT’S MEAT MAN.

Some other good news, I got into Kansas State University and Cas did too. Dad was pretty happy for me and even said we could go visit. He even said Cas and Tessa should come join us too. I think Sam is more excited about the college tour than me.

I still have to decide what I’ll be majoring in. Sam’s going to help me with this scholarship essay for people whose pancreas is shitty too. Not sure what I’m going to write about yet.

After the whole flu incident, I ended up getting a continuous glucose monitor CGM. I've had it for a week now.

I think Dad felt strongly about me having one. I don't have to worry about getting as low as I did during the flu. Or high either. Sends an alert out.

It came with some sensors and a transmitter. I replace the sensor after 7-10 days (unless of a sensor failure which has only happened once so far) and the transmitter every three months. It was easy to insert. It came with a little insertion device and didn't hurt like I thought it was going to so I was pretty surprised. I still felt it when the needle went in, but it wasn't too bad.

This monitor tells me my blood sugar every 5 minutes and sends the results to my phone. It’s able to show trends on this device. It's been interesting seeing what times I go lower and what times I go higher. It attaches to my arm, my stomach, leg if I wanted it to, and it's the size of a bandaid.

I still prick my finger to get the most accurate reading, but it's nice not having to do it as much.

Having a CGM has made a lot of things easier. School and work especially.

Wrestling has kind of made it complicated. I had to get this sticky spray stuff for it and these… like sticker things for the extra stick. It took some trial and error and online searching, but I finally figured out how to keep it on for the full week. I gotta take off the transmitter before each practice and match too because if I break it, I’m shit out of luck until the next one comes in and I’d rather not do that.

Taking off the transmitter without taking off the sensor was hard at first. I tried prying it off at home once and It flung out of my hands and into the toilet. It was unused, don't worry, and it worked just fine after but I almost had a heart attack. Now I just use a used test strip.

Speaking of test strips, this idiot in class today asked me if I could test his blood sugar. I said no immediately. First, I hadn’t changed the lancet in like… it’s been a while. And second, even if it were a clean one, I’m not wasting it on anyone but myself. This shit is not cheap.

Also today, I saw my therapist Jody at my job.

She walked into the music store close to closing time. That was enough to stun me, but then it got worse. Turns out she was picking up her daughters Alex and Claire.

Yes. Her daughters...

I kid you not.

She asked me how it was going and I kind of panicked and said “welcome to God of music… music store.“

God...

My anxiety sort of went up because again she's my therapist. My first thought was that I was hallucinating and this was a sign that I needed to make an appointment with her soon. I haven't made one with her because everything’s been okay lately.

I felt relieved when she smiled at me and didn't say anything about being my therapist for the last three years. I mean, I guess that would be like a violation or something. We just exchanged a few quick words before she was on her way again.

I gotta say, it was weird seeing her and not sitting on the red chair in her office.

Well, I gotta go. It finally stopped raining and now we're going to go pick up flowers and visit Mom. Then we’re going to attempt to make **[Winchester surprise](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/supernatural-julie-tremaine/1132405336)** like she used to make.

Dad found an old picture of the first time she made it for all of us. I was 7, and that summer my freckles… I don't know... came in? Not sure if you say it like that but I could remember that I cried because I tried to wash them off but I couldn't get them off. I didn't understand that they were permanent. For the rest of the summer, I would make sure they were still there every morning. Mom would call them angel kisses and that made me feel better.

And then Sam and I helped her make this dish. It was interesting… Mom named it Winchester surprise. When dad got home from work he just stared at it for like 10 minutes. Sam and I were pretty proud. It tasted better than it looked.

It’s going to turn out awesome!

Dean.


	16. 5 second rule

****

**Chapter 16**

Wednesday, January 31st. 2019

[Dear Future Me,](https://forms.gle/6SdH6tF8KFMV2dVR9)

Happy New year and Happy Late 18th Birthday.

Don’t know if I’ve ever done a birthday letter. We do pretty much the same thing every year...nothing, but this year was a little different I guess.

So, back in November, Sam told me that they were going to be doing the Addams Family sometime in January.

Gotta say, I was pretty fucking excited.

Friday was the opening night of the play and Sam gave me the best present ever. He wouldn't tell me who he was going to be when I asked. Kept saying it was a surprise and I’d know once I saw him.

So the group, Cas and I all came to see it.

We were watching and a few scenes went by, but none of the characters looked like Sam.

Towards the middle, before this dinner party scene happened, Cousin Itt came on the stage and did the Rock on symbol with his hands and that’s when I knew that that was my freaking Sammy. I was so proud that I ended up grabbing Benny and Cas by the shoulders and shaking them.

Swear we were the only ones clapping in the entire theater.

After the show, I even asked him for an autograph.

He called me a Jerk then wrote Bitch on my arm...

Took the kid out for some ice cream the next day.

We ended up going to his favorite ice cream place even though it was 20 degrees outside. Couldn't find parking close to it because of some festival that was going on in town. Dorothy recently got a job there and ended up giving us one free scoop.

I ordered the coffee ice cream and Sam ordered the sherbert.

We talked about random stuff. Apparently half of the peas in the nerd pod, Sarah, is now dating this guy named Gadreel. Benny talked about that guy before, Coach was going to cut him from the wrestling team this year because he kept missing practice, but his mom Naomi threatened to stop funding the reconstruction of the gym.

Told Sam the whole plenty of fish in the sea bit and he told me that he didn't like her like that. Right… that’s probably why his face went all red like the kool-aid guy. I tacked on that Gadreel sounded like a tool part and it got a laugh out of him.

My birthday was last Thursday.

I almost woke up at a perfect 100 on my CGM. I was at a 97. Heard someone call it a “unicorn”. I’m finding out that catching one of those sons of bitches is rare. Only caught one two other times.

Got a Happy Birthday text from Cassie. I said thanks and thought it was going to be it, but then she asked me about my plans for the day. Was pretty surprised by her text actually. We haven't spoken since last summer. I guess she had found one of my old CDs and wanted to send it back, but I told her to keep it.

I just texted her back saying that I didn't know yet but I was hanging out with the boyfriend and she texted back with a smiley face and to have fun… it was weird.

Cas knows about Cassie, but I only told him that we broke up because of type 1, which was a half-truth. I’m not sure when I’ll tell Cas the full truth. Guess I’m just waiting for the right moment. The last time didn't end so well and I don't want us to end, you know?

Anyway, I went to school and I thought since it was my birthday and all that it would be good for me, but instead, my blood sugar was out of whack till around lunch, which was pretty fucking frustrating. Was low during first period, then I drank a capri sun, but then went high, so I gave myself some units, but then I went low again. Nurse Mildred was ready to call Dad, but I ended up eating an orange and it was steady after that.

We ended up going to this escape room. We picked the evil doctor one. Basically this doctor’s intention is to cut you up into little pieces so he can use you as parts for himself if you don't get out in time. We ended up winning with two minutes left on the clock. Thanks to Benny’s quick thinking that the patient’s number was the code to open the key.

Even Though it wasn't real, I think most of us were sweating bullets.

We had Burgers for dinner at Tessa’s. She named a burger after me. The Dean-o-nator. It was awesome, but it was close to 50 carbs. It had Bacon, Cheese, tomato, and to top it off, 2 donuts as buns.

Fuck yeah.

Favorite part about it was that there was nothing green on it.

I told her if anyone ever asked about the burger, to make sure she included that the original Dean has type 1. I’d pay some big bucks to see their shocked faces.

Dad didn't even say anything when I dug into it while I was at a 164 already.

So, Kevin got me a shirt that said Model UN on it… I mean… It's been a nice shirt to wear on the weekends.

Charlie got me a Bi flag. She helped me hang it up later. It’s been a nice addition to my room.

Benny got me season 1 and 2 of Lore. Haven't watched it yet but I saw there was this one episode about these grave digger turned killers. I mean you’d have to be a fucking psycho to dig up dead bodies like that all the time.

Dad wrapped up the keys to the Impala in a gift box. At first, I was confused as to why he was giving them to me like this, but then he told me to take good care of it.

So, I am the proud owner of Baby.

This car is a part of the family. My parents got her right before my mom found out she was pregnant with me. It’s crazy to think that someone sold her in the first place. She’s a great ass car.

Not sure what car Sam's going to drive in a couple years since my dad only has his truck and now I have the Impala. He sure as hell isn't driving Baby.

Sam ended up getting me some cereal. Thought it was another one of his pranks at first because he knew cereal always made me spike. It was actually low sugar cereal. I was skeptical at first because one of the ingredients was chickpeas… and it didn't look like any cheerios I’d ever seen before. When I tried it though, it actually wasn't that bad. I always deal with spikes after eating cereal and this one didn't cause that. I ended up getting the chocolate version too. It’s even better.

Speaking of Sam, back in December when I got home from spending the day with Cas, I found my room COVERED with sticky notes. My bed, my drawers, my desk, even in my closet. There were so many that I’m still finding them in random places. I put them in a stack and toss them at him since I know he’ll use them like the little nerd that he is.

To get him back, I put a chicken bouillon cube in the showerhead. I love the sweet sound of a very angry Sam. Imagine his surprise when he realized the towel he was going to be drying off with had gelatin powder on it. When he finally got out, I was sitting eating cereal and wiping away tears from my eyes.

He was working in the back office and his Zoom call heard Sam screaming at me.  
I think Dad was ready to pretty much disown us after that. He was so mad after. Spent about half an hour yelling at us, but it was so worth it. Sam smelled like chicken and body wash for the rest of the day. Hell, the whole bathroom smelled like it for days after that.

We both had to clean the bathroom.

Good times...

For my birthday Cas gave me something pretty awesome. He invited me over before lunch and said he had a surprise for me. I knew that he was a kinky little shit when he pulled out the blindfold and made me lay on his bed since his aunt was out of town.

Think he got them from when he watched 50 Shades of Grey with Meg. Not complaining, blindfolds are a nice addition. Something about not being able to see a thing made me feel everything else. Not sure. Could be some stupid thought but that blowjob was in my top 5 for sure.

Then we had sex after for the first time. I kept thinking I was hurting him, but he kept saying I wasn’t because of the lube. Lube was never something I’ve had to use before, but that stuff is fucking awesome. I had actually bought some a couple months ago when I learned about it just in case if we wanted to have sex.

The fact that Cas is more experienced than me came in handy. Once I got the hang of it, it felt real nice. Never thought I would’ve been into dirty talk before I met Cas but holy shit. I was pretty much done for when he started talking in my ear.

So in all that, It’s been a pretty great start to the year so far.

We had our senior trip to Kansas last Friday.

All in all, it was a good day.

That morning, we all had to be there no later than 7:30. Sam and I usually leave at around that time anyway so it wasn't a huge deal. If I were the only one in the car, I wouldn't leave till 8 but Sammy insists that we get there early every day. We also ended up picking up Cas on the way.

Dad made me pack a shit ton of stuff like snacks and extra insulin pens since Nurse Mildred didn’t come on the trip. All we had were some chaperones. Sam suggested that I use his fanny pack but there was no freaking way I was gonna wear that so we settled on one of those drawstring bags. I had to put all the stuff in a baggie and had dad check it over. Then he confirmed in the morning that I had it all. I’m sure this is how all trips are going to be from now on.

We rode in these fancy busses. They started Shrek the movie but I passed out 10 minutes into it. The day before, the other team we competed with had really put us through the wringer. I got a bruise the size of an orange on my thigh from getting slammed by this kid named Scott Mcall. Sucks because it’s a good rotation spot for insulin. It just meant I have to use my butt for the shots.

The bruise is getting better but I’m betting it won't be gone for another couple of weeks at least.

So back to that senior trip. So it took a little over an hour to get there. We sat in the middle of the bus. It was really a compromise since Kevin wanted to sit in the front but Benny wanted to sit in the back.

We ran into some traffic so we got there at 9:30.

The whole class split up into groups after the teachers set out the rules. Basically, we had to stay with our groups at all times and we had to go to a checkpoint so we could be accounted for every couple of hours. They also gave us a scavenger hunt we could do for extra credit for history class.

The hardest one to find was the store with the letter Q in it. We just took a picture next to Quiznos. That's a store, right?

The first thing we got was food at around 11 since Benny kept complaining that he was hungry. Which I didn't understand since he ate a breakfast sandwich before we got on the bus and 4 of my snacks. I don't usually let him eat any of my snacks ever but I just wanted him to shut up.

While Kevin and Dorothy were trying to take a picture next to the bird sitting on the street light, I saw this dude drop his whole ass sandwich on the ground, look around, pick it up, brush it off and then eat it.

That's right, dude. I saw that and It was way more than 5 second you son of a bitch.

We stopped by this guy playing his trumpet. We actually stood for two songs. We all gave the guy some money. He was pretty good.

After that we got to the bbq place. I got the brisket and Cas let me have half his mac and cheese.

But things were going pretty good until it started raining at the end of the day. We just went into this mall and got ice cream and some souvenirs. Sam wanted a shirt so I got him that and I got my dad a pen. Exciting stuff I know.

The rain started pouring even more when we stepped outside. So pretty much when we all got on the bus we were still soaking wet. I put on the shirt that said Kansas on it so I was a little dryer. I was sleepy on the way back but I stayed up to talk to Cas. I got to take a peek at a project he was doing for art class.

He also showed me a sketch that he had done of me sleeping on the bus that morning. He got all red when he was showing it too. Said he thought I would have thought it was creepy. I didn't think that at all. I thought it was pretty cool actually.

But the last couple of weeks have been good. The field trip was nice. It was fun going to the city.

It’s been a good start to 2019.

Dean.


	17. French Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're in for a treat at the end. Art made by yours truly!!! I'd love to know what you think of it. 
> 
> Feel free to submit art. My Tumblr is Thatsmyphrase 
> 
> Also thank you to my top 4 OG commenters: Cmccleo1, Paul (Paul H), Elena2701, and elainapapaya. It means so much when you guys comment even if it's a few words so I appreciate it!!!

**Saturday, March 2nd, 2019**

Dear Future Me,

I think Cas and I have either been too lowkey about our relationship at school, or people at school think I’d just cheat on Cas and date anyone with legs.

I’ve already gotten asked out by three different girls and a guy to the Prom that's at the end of April.

I have nothing against Lisa, Lydia, Aaron, or Carmen, but I told them I was going with Cas. Lisa wished us both luck. Aaron and Carmen asked if Cassie was coming back from Missouri, which I said no, and corrected them on which Cas I was talking about. Lydia told me to hit her up if Cas bailed.

Yeah… Lydia and I dated for about a month once. She’s hot, but she’s a little crazy. She was always talking about her future kids even though we were still in high school. This is why even if I wasn’t with Cas, I still wouldn't take her up on her offer.

Ever.

Cas asked me a couple of weeks before. We were out in the bunker just chilling and playing music. It was right after school and it was a little chilly but we had gotten banned from being in my room together. I was finishing up some math homework and Cas was lying down looking up at the sky.

He suddenly pulled me towards him and asked me to look at the sky, and if I saw what he saw.

The sky was blue and there was a cloud that vaguely looked like that fish Dory. Which reminds me I need to watch Finding Dory soon.

God, I love that fish. And I won't apologize for that.

But, back to my story, there was the Dory cloud and a few birds but other than that, the sky was perfect.

I told him that much, and he said that he knew, but which meant it was the perfect moment to ask if I wanted to go to prom.

I didn't think he was serious because of how casual he was about it. To be honest I wasn't even thinking about going. Prom’s never been on my radar. Jokingly, I asked him if we were going to wear matching tuxedos.

He laughed and said he’d take matching plaid shirts.

He was actually talking about a haunted themed party. He said that he and his old homeschool group had been planning it and now he knew for sure it was happening. He called it the Haunted Prom. The more he talked about it, the more I actually got excited about it. It sounded way more fun than the actual prom.

Anyway, last night, I pulled off the ultimate date night with Cas.

I’d been planning it for a couple of weeks when I heard that Tessa was going away on a business trip for a few days, and low and behold, so was Dad. They only overlapped by one night (Friday) so it was perfect. The only one left was Sam.

I ended up bribing him with 20 bucks to go ask a friend if he could spend the night.

I thought I was gonna have to call the whole thing off because three days before Dad left for his business trip, I was admitted to the hospital with Diabetic Ketoacidosis.

It was a trip.

I went to bed at 155 and steady the night before, which was pretty good, maybe a little high for bed, but not by much. Went to bed anyway. Woke up a few hours later feeling pretty thirsty, but when I checked my phone and it was still at 155, so I drank some water and went back to bed. Woke up again at around 2 AM and my first two thoughts were, “wow why does my stomach hurt?” and then “am I going to puke?”.

To answer that question... yes. Yes, I did puke.

Bonus I even made it to the bathroom in time.

Sound ended up waking Sam. I somehow told him to get my phone to see my numbers and they were still at 155. Then I knew something wasn't right. I thought, okay, there’s no way that I’m feeling this shitty at 155. Then Sam checked my blood sugar manually and we found out that my levels were at a 258.

We woke up dad. He checked for ketones and they were pretty damn high for a reading of 258. So we called the doctor, they told us to come in.

Things were a bit hazy after that.

They said I was in mild DKA and was put on IV’s and was there till 10 o'clock the next morning. Sam got a pass to spend the day home and he and I got caught up on a few episodes of Game of Thrones. Charlie recommended that one. We’re only in the second season. Dad tried to do both his work and watch at the same time. Ended up doing more watching than working and put his computer away.

We skip through the sex scenes for obvious reasons.

When we got home, I changed my sensor on my CGM, ate something, did a correction, then I went to bed again.

Had to practically push Dad out the door when he started trying to back out of his business trip.

Took a lot of convincing that I was fine and that if something went bad, then I’d tell him. And if things went hospital bad, I’d have Sammy call an uber.

Finally, that convinced him to leave and here we are.

So, the first thing Cas and I did was go to the movies. Cas had been talking about the movie A Dog's Way Home since he saw the trailer for it in October. We got extra butter on our popcorn, I got him some jelly beans, which again he only ate the orange ones.

During the movie, every time there was a sad scene or a happy one, Cas’ fingers would dig into my arm or neck. I guess wherever his hands happen to be at that moment.

I gotta say, even though it had some cheesy parts, it was a pretty good movie.

Still didn't make me want a dog.

Ever.

After that, we went to my house, made out in the car for a little while before we went inside. One thing led to another, and then we ended up inside and in the shower, which I was pretty down for. I’ll try anything once. Nothing too fancy, just hand and blowjobs. It was pretty successful. Harder than it is on tv by the way.

Ha. Harder…

But, it’s not like we died or anything.

We were laying in my bed and just talked after that. About prom, graduation, jobs. And I just wanted to tell him that I loved him, but then didn’t. I guess the last time I was about to tell a person I loved them, they broke up with me. Cas doesn't know about my past, but he knows I have type 1, and he hasn't backed out yet. And it’s been almost two years since I did anything eating disorder related. Well, there was that scale thing… but I don't consider that a relapse.

I think I’ll end up saying it soon.

But, lying there with Cas was nice. We hang out a lot, but we just don't get a lot of time with just the two of us alone.

The conversation shifted to his art class, and how he then told me he was bummed that the class had gotten canceled for the next two weeks.

He said he wanted to join an art class back a few months ago, but I didn’t know that he had actually signed up for one. I think it's called a life drawing class. Apparently it's classes about how to draw the human body, but the twist is that they’re naked.

Now that I think about it, art doesn't seem that bad...

Guess it might have been the sex haze because before I knew it, I was telling him that I could be his model.

So that's how we ended up at Cas’ place, me in his robe with nothing underneath, hair still a little damp. And it wasn't like Cas hadn't seen me naked before... obviously, but this was way more… not sure... intimate? The flower crown that Cas put on my head didn't help. I thought about taking the continuous glucose monitor off, but it was a new one. Cas also said it wouldn’t ruin anything.

I sat there while he got his pencils sharpened, then finally I said fuck it. I took the robe off and told him that I wanted him to draw me like one of his french boys.

So, there you go, I'll never forget the time I sat on a chair backward, legit spread eagle, with a flower crown on my head.

He’s lucky I love him.

We went back to my house since I had already planned on making dinner for the two of us. I ended up making steak in the cast iron. Learned that from Benny. Comes out perfect every time. Served it with roasted potatoes and salad. Almost had a heart attack when Cas said he liked his steak well done.

Strike #1 Cas. Haven’t figured out what happens when he gets to strike #3 yet, but it’s gonna be well deserved.

We ended up eating it in the bunker while we played Sorry!

Hadn't played it in a while so I was obviously rusty. Cas was a pro at it… I guess.

I switched colors the next round thinking I might have a chance. When that didn't work, I tried to distract Cas by touching behind his knees. Found that spot when I was using my tongue to... yeah, you’ll totally remember.

Well, he ended up winning that round too.

I'll beat him at sorry someday

Dean.

***Here's the finished product. I actually really liked that he put the CGM on there. It actually took a week after writing this letter. Can’t show it all, at the risk of anyone else seeing my junk*

Can you imagine anyone else reading these letters?

God...


	18. Haunted Prom and College visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit. 11 more weeks of this story! Where the hell did the time go!? And I know it's far away but I've got a surprise for you guys in chapter 28. Hint: It's freaking beautiful.

****

**Saturday, May 4th, 2019**

Dear Future Me,

I just got a text from Jo and found out that she got a Volkswagen.

A GODDAMN VOLKSWAGEN. 

I think we collectively just need a moment of silence for this unfortunate choice that she has made. 

It's not even the good one either!

It’s a four-door VW bug in green and it looked so small that I bet Sam and I would barely be able to fit into it.

I have now lost faith in Bobby and Ellen. They could have at least gotten her a 1975 Volkswagen GTI. I mean it’s no Baby, with her 327 four-barrel, 275 horsepower… but it would've been better than the bug. I’m sure Bobby had tons of classics in his garage yard to steer her in the right direction, but alas...

You win some, you lose some.

Anyway, as I'm writing this, I’m sitting in a motel room. We’re here visiting Kansas State University and I'll get to that soon, but last weekend Cas and I ditched the school’s Prom and went to the Haunted Prom.

The night after our high school’s prom, Cas drove us both to the Stilinski house and I immediately thought of Bela and that pocket watch she ended up getting. She told me that the watch had been cracked and set to 1:11 supposedly when the crime happened.

Creepy.

I had heard some things about the house, but Cas’ friend Meg told a little bit of a different version.

This is what I grew up hearing about the Stilinski house:

So, Lydia and Stiles Stilinski were a popular family in Lawrence in the 1800s. Stiles was a doctor, and Lydia was a teacher, but they harbored a dark secret. Legend has it they used to lure people to their houses and murder them for their blood. They did this for decades until they went missing. Police found them in their home.

Dead.

A single bullet between their eyes. Apparently it looked like veins were coming out of the bullet hole. Their skin was also grey. The police said they had never seen bullets do so much damage like the ones they pulled out of their skulls.

They never found out who did it, but they found writing on the wall in blood that said “For my daughter -S.C.”

I think the culprit was Samuel Colt. It was said that he was a farmer for a little while till he started making revolvers. Old newspapers say that he had a daughter, but there's nothing else about her after the age of 18. I think Lydia and Stiles picked the wrong victim, and they paid the price.

They didn't tear the house down, but they did take out the bodies and cleaned up the blood. Nobody wanted to buy it until 20 something Ruby Johnson did in 1875. All good until they found her body too, ice cold. Now people say that all the victims that Lydia and Stiles killed roam the house because they're stuck somehow. Some say they've gone vengeful.

Meg's version starts the same but has a completely different story.

So first, Lydia and her husband Dr. Stilinski were a well-known couple in town and pretty popular. But, they also harbored a dark secret, Dr. Stilinski performed lobotomies in his own house. One day, their patient Marin Smith came in with her unnamed brother. The lobotomy apparently went from bad to worse and Marin died. It was said that they ended up killing the brother too who had brought her in and buried both of their bodies in the tunnel under the house.

A couple of weeks went by and people started to notice that the Stilinskis were missing. When they went to search for them, they found a gruesome scene at the house. The scratches and damage were inhuman. The rest of the house was wrecked and one of the windows had been completely shattered like whatever had come out of it had been huge.

They went searching throughout the house and found the opening to the tunnels, where they found the body of Marin half-eaten in the casket that she had been buried in. But that wasn't the most bizarre part. They also found a casket next to hers broken open with nothing inside of it but some blood.

They ended up closing down the house to the public and had wanted to tear it down. Turns out the house was intertwined with so much legal stuff that they couldn't. Not even when weird stuff started happening to the people who had found Lydia’s and Stiles’ bodies. Some people called it haunted, others thought it was a hoax. After that people started finding a new normal and didn’t think about the tragedy again till a few months later.

That summer, 4 other people met the same demise as Lydia and Stiles Stilinski, but they didn't find out who had done it until a couple of weeks later when this woman named Ruby Johnson went missing too. They found her a couple of days later in a cave barely alive. But apparently she hadn't been alone. 3 out of 5 of the people that had found Ruby said that the figure had been grey skin stretched over long bones. It wasn't even human. They called it a windigo and they said that it was a curse that only happened when one ate the body of another.

When they brought the dead thing home, all that was in the bag was sand when they opened it again. Some people still believe that it had been real and that Marin’s brother hadn't been the only wendigo.

I thought that Meg’s story was better than the one I heard, but that it still wasn't scary. The windows were broken and I did see scratches on the wall, but that could have been manmade.

Ended up hearing rustling in the bushes.

I don't scare easily, but the sudden rustling had me checking my pants.

We all got to tour the house and some of the tunnels too. It was still a mess and the windows were now all broken from the years of wear and tear. The place also had a heavy layer of dust around it. Found a used condom too.

Those sickos.

At least throw away the evidence.

But anyway, I looked up a picture of the Stilinski's later that night. They didn't really look like they performed lobotomies… but I guess nobody looks like that.

After we had all finished with the house, and nobody ended up dead, we set up a campfire away from the house.

There were smores and hotdogs too.

We sat around talking and eating. Found out that Cas hated s’ mores. To make him more grossed out, Meg and I even played Chubby Bunny with the leftover marshmallows.

I won, naturally and seeing Cas’ grossed out face was worth it.

After that, Cas made me dance with him. I only stepped on his foot twice.

Then we kissed, and he made a face then said I tasted like marshmallows.

It was a fun night. We didn't wear stupid suits. We didn’t have to listen to stupid music. We didn’t take awkward photos that night.

There was some dancing I guess, but I wouldn't have changed any of it.

I got pretty lucky that night in the back of Cas’ truck if you know what I mean. Turns out my new favorite song is Rock and Roll Fantasy.

Good times.

So, back to this college visit.

We left on Friday after school and the whole drive took about an hour and a half.

Cas and his aunt tagged along and I rode with them while Sam rode with Dad. Cas, Tessa, and I left an hour earlier than them. We ended up driving around the campus while we waited for them. It’s nice. Bigger than I thought it was going to be.

My plan was to look at architecture, but it was so boring I thought about walking out in the middle of class twice. So, I decided to go to a mechanical engineering class instead after hearing this girl talk about building a robot. Never wanted to build a robot before, but she made it sound awesome. I think that’s what I want to major in now.

I ended up liking the class better.

Cas had fun in his art sample classes as well. He said they tried some technique that uses your whole arm when drawing. I didn't fully understand it, but then again, I hate drawing. I was excited for him though.

While we were in those classes, Sam hit the library like the nerd that he is. The kid’s 14 and he was looking at Law books. Says he wants to join the debate team next year. He’d probably be good at it; kid’s smart enough.

Whoa wait, I almost forgot. So, I had just gotten out of class, and I was sitting at one of the tables, and all of a sudden this really tall dude got shit on by a bird. There had to be at least five people around him too when it had happened.

I kid you not.

Too bad it happened when Cas was still in class. I hope I see that guy again. Funniest thing.

We went to this pizza place; one of the best pizzas I've ever had. It had the perfect combination of pepperoni and cheese on it. Don't even get me started on the crust…  
Can’t wait to go back in the fall. The whole table ended up having a debate when Cas and Tessa got pineapple on their pizza.

Gross.

I’m sure future me will still agree that pineapple will never belong on a pizza.

Ever.

It’s a crime against humanity.

Sam, Cas, and I also got invited to a hockey game. We all don’t really watch hockey but it sounded better than basketball. Watched a couple of fights, which was pretty awesome. Might check it out more in the fall.

When we got back, Dad and Tessa had done some shopping. Dad got a mug for his office that said K-state and Tessa got a sign for the diner that had the wildcat on it. They ended up also getting Cas, Sam and I purple t-shirts with the K-state logo on it.

Sam wants to go see something called Truckhedge on the way back home. It’s been on both of our lists for a while now but we never drive this far out. Should be interesting. Cas was interested because of all the sculptures and he “admired the artist’s form of self-expression and how he has made his unique creations accessible to anyone”.

Half the time, I’m not really sure what he’s talking about half the time, but I love it when he talks art and shit. It’s kinda hot.

Well, I gotta go, we’re going out to lunch. Cas found this diner and we’re going to compare it to Tessa’s.

Like Sam told me earlier today, May the 4th be with you.

What a nerd.

Dean.


	19. Hotter than Satan's Balls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, chapter 19! holy cow. 10 more weeks until the final chapter. I'm so excited that this has almost 2K hits!!!
> 
> Also the sunburn poll, they both had a tie so I chose Cas. 
> 
> Reviews are always welcomed! I get excited about like everyone of them haha. 
> 
> Also, this chapter got so many changes last night and this morning and I added a ton. So enjoy!

****

**Saturday, July 13, 2019**

**Dear Future Me,**

Just wanted to start off with the fact that it’s been hotter than Satan's balls lately.

I gotta say, it’s been really nice having that after tornado season.

With finals, a rough patch with Cas, tornado season, graduation, I guess you could say things have been going a little crazy. We’re actually all at the beach right now but I’ll get to that later.

Starting off with the rough patch with Cas. It happened a couple of days after the haunted prom. We were at this other diner and after we ordered he got really mad and said that he hated it when I flirted with other people. Which I denied because I wasn't even flirting with the waiter. He wasn't even my type!

Cas said I did it a lot and ended up being mad at me the whole night. I told him that I would try my best to not flirt anymore… even though I didn't know I was flirting in the first place.

Found out later that Cas had also gotten accepted to the University of Wichita which would be a two-hour drive from K-state and he was nervous to tell me. I mean, I would rather him go to K-state with me but, if he really wants to go to Wichita then he should.

Then he said that we should think about breaking up and that’s where I had to stop him because what the actual fuck?

I told him right then and there that we weren’t breaking up and that was the end of that. I said if we had to then we were sure as hell going to try the long-distance thing. Even though we both haven't tried it, I think we could make it work.

He still hasn't fully decided which one he wants to go to but I’m sure either choice would be fine.

I just never thought he was this indecisive...

So next stop tornado season. So a week after that whole thing happened, there were a ton of tornados that touched down but those were further from us.

A few days after that, we got hit with a 4. Like 10 stores and also my house got some damage. Actually my room got the most damage because a tree fell on it. We were all gone that Tuesday when it happened. Came home with a tree in my room and the biggest hole between mine and Sam’s room. There was glass everywhere.

I moved into Sam’s room. I told him if he needed to take care of business, then he better do it somewhere else.

I just moved back into my room last weekend. I still have a hole between mine and Sam’s room so It’s still like we’re sharing a room. He complains that my music is too loud so I just turn it up louder. I say he studies too later and he tells me to fuck off.

Good times.

Was hoping that this summer Cas and I could get more alone time but that’s not going to happen. His house is free some days though at least.

And there's always the bunker if you know what I mean.

Anyway, something else pretty cool happened in the bunker besides sexy times.

Last month, while we were in the bunker watching a movie, Cas told me he loved me.

At that point, we’d been dating for a year and he hadn't even let it slip out once.

Not even during sex.

When I told him that I loved him a while back, he told me “thank you.” I tried not to take it too hard.

I was surprised when Cas returned it and told me he loved me, it was at a moment I didn’t expect. We were watching the movie Girl, Interrupted and I was laying against his stomach and it growled.

Jokingly, I said that his stomach loves me.

But then he gave me this toothy grin and said, “I’m pretty sure that all of me loves you.”

I shot up so quickly I got dizzy. Then I mirrored his grin and I told him I loved him too. Then we kissed until his stomach growled again and we went inside and ate grilled cheese together.

Hell yeah.

I had told him I loved him a little after our 6th-month mark at the end of March. We were in the back of his pick-up truck and looking up at the stars and it just felt right, you know?

I felt like saying it because earlier in the middle of March, we had had some heavy conversations after fixing a few things in the bunker. We were inside just drinking hot chocolate in my room when he let me in on his past. I’m not sure what made him do it.

It took him a little while of silence before he actually started talking about his mom. His voice got really quiet and he didn't look at me the whole time. He also did something I hadn't seen in a while, he like turned in on himself. It’s hard to explain.

He just looked so small.

And I felt something when he was saying all this stuff, but I wouldn't say it was pity or anything. I was just shocked. I now understand why he was so reserved on certain things, because, not gonna lie, it was a lot. He’s lost a lot of people in his life. Sure Cas has these weird things about him, but I would have never guessed he had been through so much.

He also told me about Dick Roman. I didn't tell him I thought the guy sounded like a real asshole.

Cas didn't seem like he wanted to find him, but I did some digging. Turns out Dick’s dad is the owner of Roman Enterprise. Sounds like some rich kid that didn't care that he hurt Cas. Couldn’t find anything really specifically on him, until Charlie helped me. Damn, she’s scary when she gets into her FBI mode. She was able to find his Grindr account and his girl’s Facebook.

This guy is all sorts of messed up.

If I ever find the guy, I’m going to deck him.

Nobody fucks with Cas like that.

I didn't out Dick Roman if you're wondering. 

I guess I understood why he didn't want to say the love word too soon. Guess he wanted to make sure that what he was feeling was actually love after that Dick Roman dude.

A few nights after that, I decided to tell Cas about my past experiences with my eating disorder. He didn't look at me with pity or disgust like Cassie had and he didn't run away either. Instead, he asked me questions throughout and he never once said that he was “sorry.” He told me that even though he would never fully understand what all I had gone through, that he would always be there for me.

Gotta love chick flick moments, right?

Since then, he has never acted like he was trying to fix me either, which I was happy about.

I wasn’t broken.

And hearing his story, I didn't think he was broken either.

We just understand each other I guess.

So, now for the fun stuff. It's day 6 at Myrtle Beach with Benny, Kevin, Charlie, Dorothy, and Cas at Charlie’s family’s beach house. Everyone’s just chilling. Kevin’s taking a nap on the couch, which is a dangerous thing to do in this group. We’re all going to Pirates Voyage in about an hour or so.

We all thought it would be a great thing to do something fun together after graduation. I think we were all excited to get out of that place. Well, except for Kevin maybe. He was actually Valedictorian. His speech was pretty awesome; probably been writing it since he learned how to talk.

Dad and Sam left a spot in between them for mom. She was definitely looking down at us smiling.

I just felt it.

Bobby, Ellen, and Jo came for graduation too. Even my grandparents Samuel and Deana stopped by. They never came around much so it was a surprise. Samuel gave me 100 dollars so I can't complain.

Nurse Mildred even gave me a hug after the ceremony and wished me luck and told me to visit her whenever I wanted. I gave her one of my pins that said “Sugar-free” on it. She said she was going to wear it on her lanyard when the next school year started.

I’m sure I’ll see her around town.

When I got my diploma, I gave the rock and roll hand sign.

I’m happy for all my friends and I think we’ve all come a long way.

Charlie decided she’s taking a gap year and is now coordinating Larping conventions. She plans to apply to a computer company soon. Charlie’s like the little sister I never had. I’ll miss trivia night with her. I’m going to try to make it for a trivia night sometime in the near future, so that will be fun.

Benny is moving down to New Orleans to help with his brother’s restaurant. He’ll be taking some business classes on the side. I’m gonna miss him, but I know we’ll stay in touch. He won't be coming home as much, but he told me to facetime him whenever I wanted to, and that I could come to visit and he’d give me free food.

Kevin got accepted to Princeton University in NJ and he’ll be studying linguistics. It’s pretty awesome since he’s wanted to go there ever since he was a kid.

I got a pretty good scholarship to K-State and Cas did too. My new roommate in the Fall is named Garth. All I know is that the guy likes werewolves. Cas’ roommate is named Mick. I believe he’s British.

So, we started planning for Myrtle Beach back in February. This is the longest trip I’ve had to pack for since diagnosis. Packing clothes and things took me like 10 minutes. Both swimsuits, shirts, shorts, 1 pair of jeans, soap, toothbrush. Simple. When it came to the other stuff, it took me a little longer. I had some clue of how much stuff I have for my type 1 but seeing it all laid out is a different story entirely. It took up all the space in my backpack. I had to pack: my insulin pens, the needles, my meter, batteries, a ton of test strips, extra lancets, alcohol swabs, extra CGM supplies, glucagon kit, glucose tablets, and tons of snacks.

Oh and all of that basically times 2 when Dad thought I hadn't packed enough. 

It was a lot.

For the most part, my numbers haven't been the best this whole trip. I've been either running a little higher or a little lower than I’d like. Been making me feel kind of off for a couple of days, but not too bad. Got a text from Dad basically asking what the fuck I was doing, because he gets updates and I sent him a picture of a sandwich and turned off my phone for a little bit. Not doing anything different in particular, it’s just one of those weeks I guess. It could always be a lot worse.

D-bag can’t give me a break I guess.

So, Kevin got his Mom to loan us this van and we all rode together. It took about 18 hours so we ended up staying at a hotel the first night. Nicest hotel I’ve ever stayed at. Dad prefers shitty roadside motels. This one had a nice pool and dinner.

The next morning, we all woke up at around 8, had breakfast then drove again.

We played the games: would you rather and the license plate game. Dorothy ended up winning the license plate game but Kevin came in second.

We made the rule that the driver picks the music, and shotgun shuts his cakehole. It was kind of entertaining. We all have very different tastes in music. Which not to brag or anything, but I clearly had the best taste with the classics and Country. Benny was into Jazz and the Blues.

Cas just listened to Gospel music, which I knew he would do. Dorothy’s music taste didn't go past the 60s. Charlie was into Alternative Techno, but I don't think anyone missed it when she slipped in Walking on Sunshine about five times. I have a feeling she’s the type of person to listen to that song 35 times in a row at the BARE minimum.

And last but not least Kevin… I kid you not he just listened to podcasts. Not even Charlie was into it. She ended up putting in her own headphones. I mouthed ‘what the fuck’ to both Cas and Benny. They were both trying and failing to contain their laughter.

That is why we only gave him one shift of driving.

There were four rooms at the beach house. Some rooms had two beds so Cas and I decided to share. And it was pretty much understood that Dorothy and Charlie were going to share too. We all promised each other to keep the PDA to a minimum. But nobody said anything about PDA when nobody was home.

Cas and I might have had a few quickies before joining everyone else at the pool. I almost fell off the bed the first time, so we pushed the beds together.

Cas got a little red on the second day while he was wearing sunscreen. I offered to get him sunscreen with a higher SPF but he said he would be fine. Cas ended up getting a sunburn on the third day. He was in a lot of pain the first night so I picked him up some aloe and better sunscreen. His skin started peeling yesterday. Hate to say it, but it was pretty awesome; reminded me of peeling off dried up glue. Under the peeling was a suntan through.

Anyway, we all went on a boat tour and saw some alligators. Everyone was taking pictures of it, but I was the smart one and hung out in the back. I’ve seen the show Gator Boys; one bump and we’re all alligator food.

We also went jet skiing well most of us at least. Kevin and charlie didn't since they had heard horror stories. Benny and Dorothy rode on one and Cas and I took turns on another. I was legit scared for my life when Cas started to drive. Thought we were going to flip over at least 5 times. At least we got to see some dolphins during that whole thing. 

Each night, we took turns cooking dinner.

Charlie just got us a ton of cereal on her night, which we all couldn't complain about.

Benny made us Jambalaya that I’m still dreaming about.

Kevin took us to this pad thai place across town and it was delicious.

I made some chicken enchiladas.

And Cas…

Okay, listen.

I love Cas a whole lot but he doesn't know how to cook worth a damn. The guy cooks like he’s spent two minutes in the kitchen his entire life. I’ll give him prompts for trying, though. When he kept burning the pancakes, I took over. He decided to make everyone peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch the next day. Which I thought was an excellent choice.

Speaking of Cas, last night we played Never Have I Ever, and Cas got eliminated first with the first 12 questions. I wasn’t as shocked as everyone else. I was more shocked that he said he had shoplifted before. Asked him about it later. He said he stole some pills for his mom and Nick a few times when he was 14 and 15. He said he still felt guilty about it and I almost wished I hadn't asked. He hadn't told me that part back in March when we started talking about our past.

We also celebrated his 18th birthday. He got teary eyes when we started singing Happy Birthday. He just brushed it off and said it was allergies. I had an idea why but everyone else just laughed. Later, he told me that his birthdays had just become a strong reminder of how the only one in his family that cared about his birthday had been his aunt Tessa. Now he was happy that he had five others that cared too.

We all chipped in and got him a new sketchbook, some pens, and pencils.

I also got him new skateboard wheels in orange and some decals.

I’m an awesome boyfriend.

Yesterday the group and I walked on the boardwalk and saw some fireworks. Cas and I also rode on the Ferris wheel.

This time I didn't back away when Cas tried to kiss me.

It’s growth.

Oh yeah, Cas also found a stray cat. I told him not to pet it but he did anyway.

Figures.

As the night went by we sort of forgot about the cat incident, especially on the Ferris wheel, when we were really close. I ended up having itchy skin and eyes for the rest of the night on the boardwalk.

It was a good thing that Dorothy had some allergy medicine because I felt like I wanted to scratch my skin off.

**That’s strike #2 Cas…**

But, anyway, I think everyone has been having fun during this trip. We still have a month before we all start packing up for the next stage of our lives, and I’m already starting to miss them.

I'm going to miss Charlie talking about fantasy worlds and video games, Kevin and the study sessions, and the funny things he says, Benny and his outrageous stories.

It’s going to be weird not seeing them every day.

Wait.

I think I hear Kevin talking in his sleep in the other room. Not really sure what he’s saying, it’s like in another language. I gotta go, I have to record this shit.

Peace love and rock and roll

Dean


	20. Don't think I won't come for your ass

****

**Tuesday, August 20th, 2019**

Hey Dean-o,

It’s your Dad. You leave for college tomorrow. The car’s all packed up and ready to go.

Sammy’s excited to check the school out again; poor boy doesn't know he's got a few more years till college. I think he’s already started applying.

It’s going to be weird not having you around all the time. Sam says he’s glad he gets to have the tv to himself but I know he’s going to miss you. Guess we both will.

Sam told me I should write a letter to you. Said something about you opening this up when you’re older.

I just came back from your favorite pie place. I’m sure you remember me or your mom telling you the story of when you tried your first piece of pie when you were 2.

Your mom liked pie more than I did. The bakery was out of her favorite pie, so your Mom decided to make an apple pie by herself. When it came out, I’ll admit it looked… special.

I could remember that she was really excited for you to try your very first taste of pie and gave you the first bite.

It didn't turn out how we thought it would.

Dean, you made the worst face that I have ever and will ever see on a baby. The face beat the time we gave you a lemon slice when you were about 1. Your mom and I both looked so confused that we tried a bite and spit it out so quickly. Your mom had mixed up the salt and the sugar. Don’t ask me how it happened. I swear you didn't touch pie for years after that.

Now you’d eat pie whenever and wherever.

To be honest with you, when your mom told me she was pregnant with you, I freaked out a little. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I had recently come back from an 8-month tour. I’d seen a lot of crap during that time and I didn’t think I was capable of taking care of a kid.

We hadn't been married for long but I didn’t think I ever really wanted kids. You opened your puffy eyes when I started talking to you and at the moment I didn't know I could love anyone as much as I loved your Mom.

We were in between two names when your mom went into labor. James and Harrison. When I held all 5 pounds and 7 ounces of you for the first time, I decided that you didn't seem like you’d be either one of those names. But there was something about the name Dean that felt right.

When we brought you home we had no idea that we wouldn't sleep for the next eighteen years.

I’m just messing with you.

No, but we really didn't sleep for at least the first year. When you got to be around 5 months old, your Mom wanted to try sleep training with you. It may or may not have been partly my fault that it took us a while to get you to sleep. I was a sucker when you started crying. It took months, but after that, you slept like a charm.

If I could go through all of my favorite memories of you I would, but I don't think I’d have enough time for all of that. So I’ll give you the short version.

When you turned 3, you cried on your birthday because you didn't want to get older. It took your mom and me a while to calm you down.

When you were 6, Bobby, you, and I made the tall Scooby Doo sandwich. It was so awesome that even your Mom couldn't be mad.

When you were 8 you lost your first tooth. It’d become so loose that finally, your mom pulled it out.

When you were 11, you and Sammy thought jumping on a bean bag would be a great idea because your favorite wrestler did it… till it exploded all over the living room. Little pieces of Styrofoam were everywhere for weeks. Mom didn't let you guys watch wrestling for months after that.

When you were 13, we went on the best camping trip with your Mom and Sammy.

When you were 16, I showed you how to tie a tie for your first date with Castiel. I like that kid. He’s funny.

I gave you the keys to the Impala because I know you’ll take good care of her.

You’re 18 now and leave for college tomorrow and I am so damn proud of you. I know I don’t tell you often and I should. I just want you to know that you’re growing up to become a good man.

If Mom were here, I know that she'd say the same.

Go get em, Dean-o

Dad

P.S. if anything happens to Baby, don't think I won’t come for your ass.


	21. Pumped up for college

****

**Tuesday, November 26th, 2019**

Dear Future Me,

Haven’t written one of these in a while. We’re at Bobby’s and Ellen’s for Thanksgiving. Been spending the day giving Baby tuneups. College life is still treating her pretty well.

College has been going pretty well for me too. It’s a lot different from high school. It's nice not to have to be stuck in school all day. The professors seem way more relaxed. If you're late, they don't care.

The only thing is once you get a break between classes, you don't wanna go back. Cas has had to drag me to class at least 10 times. Yeah, Cas did decide to go to KSU with me. We took a visit to the other school and I thought for sure he would decide to go there instead, but he said he liked KSU better. Not to brag or nothing, but I think he just liked KSU better cause I was there. Just the truth.

Anyway, the group chat is still going strong.

I got to see Charlie and Kevin before we went to Bobby’s.

Kevin actually over facetime. His mom went to visit him. He wants us all to come up sometime.

Dorothy and Charlie broke up at the beginning of October. Charlie said it was because they “grew apart”. Benny and I think Dorothy might have cheated because we saw a picture of her with this other girl and they looked a little too friendly, but Charlie won’t say. She was so sad that even Benny came all the way up from New Orleans for the weekend to help me cheer her up. Cas had to study for a test that weekend and didn't come home so it was just the three of us.

We were both surprised when we saw her with a new short bob. From the time I had known her, her hair hadn't been shorter than the middle of her back.

She made that hair cut her bitch. Dorothy really must’ve done a number on her. She’s never done something that drastic after breaking up with her other past girlfriends.

We ended up taking her to this medieval event thing. Got to wear this cool costume. It was actually pretty heavy because it had this medal neck thing. Sam joined us too. We lost him about 5 minutes in when he went to join in on this potion tournament.

Charlie had this little fling with this fairy chick and Benny and I got to put our battleship skills to the test.

We all met up again in the middle of the party when we had this big duel that we got our face painted for.

It was actually kind of fun.

I even learned a little bit about D and D. Sam even said he’s going to try to teach me some more this summer so that should be fun... All I know is that he’s going to be sorry for teaching me because even though it’s not a competitive game, I’m totally gonna smoke him.

It was great seeing Benny though. We text pretty much every day still.

He met… well saw this girl who keeps coming into his brother’s restaurant. He’s head over heels for this chick; and he hasn't even talked to her yet. I’ve known Benny for more than 10 years and I've never known him to be this shy around anyone.

I’m sure he’ll win her over with his southern charm. If not, I may have to go down there myself to knock some sense into him.

Anyway, I got an insulin pump at the end of July, before college started. What really pushed me was my endo suggesting that I should go on it because I was having more frequent highs. Dad felt like it was safer in college as well so I went for it. We looked up a few that didn't have tubes because the whole idea of tubes sounded annoying. And this one is waterproof. To be honest, I thought it would be super easy, but I really should have known better.

At first, it felt really weird having this thing on the back of my arm that I had to change every few days. There’s this pod thing that attaches to my body that gives me insulin instead of me having to give myself needles. It came with this little device thing that looked like a phone. I tell the pump how many carbs I’ve eaten, and it gives me insulin for it.

It's a little different from my continuous glucose monitor but still kind of the same mechanics when inserted. Another difference is that I change the pod more often than once a week. This one is like every few days. I have more steps too like filling the pod with insulin which I obviously don't have to do anything with my CGM.

I still have to do the steps slowly but I'd like to think I’m getting pretty good at it. It sticks to your skin and you have to lightly squeeze the skin until it does a count down and pokes you. I definitely felt the needle or cannula but it went away pretty quick. With the pens that I had been using, I obviously knew when I was going to stick myself, but with this pod, it doesn't really tell you when the needle is going to go into your skin when you first put it on. The first time I put on the insulin pump, I didn’t even know I was holding my breath until the needle went in.

The first week I had it, I chose the back of my arm. This was great and all but I had my CGM on my stomach so they were on different sides of my body. It made sleeping uncomfortable because any side I chose to sleep on, I had a device on it. That first time, Sam stuck googly eyes on it while I was taking a nap. I didn't even notice until Cas told me while he was visiting me at work. It was a good prank but I got him back. Ended up putting itchy powder in his underwear and saved some clown pictures for next time.

I felt kind of self-conscious showing Cas the first day, but he didn't seem weirded out about it at all. He just asked some questions and said it kind of reminded him of a leech.

I stole half his sandwich after that.

Now I can't stop thinking about it looking like a leech.

After a few weeks of having it, I went over the 80 hr mark and holy hell, the sound that it made was so loud. Sam ended up putting it in the freezer because we couldn't get it to stop.

I just feel more relaxed since going on the pump and I’m glad I got it. It didn’t fully eliminate the bad days but it’s helped a ton.

My favorite days are when the pod and the CGM change day lines up. That means I can shower without anything attached to me.

It’s the simple things.

Most people in college don’t say anything if they see my pod, but a few of them have asked about it. I usually just tell them that I have type 1, but sometimes I like to have some fun. One day while I was walking to class, this girl warned me that I had something weird on the back of my arm. I played the hell out of it and pretended to be shocked and started to freak out about it. She got a little panicky when I mentioned that she should call 911.

What?

Don't get all righteous on me, Future me. It was a great joke and I won't apologize for it.

Don't worry, I told her eventually what it was. She called me a jerk and I never saw her again...

But since then, I’ve also gotten two type 1 buddies... Diabuddies? Twins Alicia and Max. We met while in math class. They noticed my insulin pump. They’re twins who have had type 1 since they were 7 years old. Alicia’s blood sugar was over 500 when she was diagnosed. She could’ve landed in a coma! Max’s showed up 2 years later. What’s even crazier, they met their biological dad after Alicia was diagnosed and he was also type 1 like them but wasn't diagnosed till he was 25.

I've learned a lot of tips from them. Now I'm not wasting insulin when I change the pod. I just pull it out with a syringe and use it for the next one.

The three of us are supposed to have this group math session when we get back from break.

Fun...

Max and I will probably just end up goofing around until Alicia gets pissed at us.

See, despite everyone thinking that we were attached at the hip, Cas and I do hang out with other people.

See, we know how to be independent. I hang out with my diabuddies and Cas sometimes hangs out with his friend Hannah, who also skates and is in school for business.

Hannah doesn't use a skateboard, she's on skates which is pretty damn cool. She does like these cool flips and shit.

Anyway, on move-in day, I realized that Garth, my roommate, was the bird shit guy I saw back in May during the college visit. I kid you not. It has yet to happen again, but I like to keep a little bit of a distance between us in case a bird decides to use him for target practice again. Especially when he said that back in May had been the second time that that had happened to him.

Garth is a character and a goddamn hugger but he’s growing on me. He didn't seem too put off with the whole Type 1 thing so that’s a plus. One thing about Garth that I noticed, is that the dude can sleep through anything.

During the first week of school, I woke up to this continuous screech at 6 AM in the morning. At first, I didn't know what was happening until I realized the sound was coming from my pod failing. I had to turn the lamp on and change it. Then I watched some tv on my computer to make sure my levels were good.

Fucking Garth slept through it all.

He also never wakes up for his alarm. It goes like this: his alarm wakes me up and I wake Garth up. Usually by means of throwing a pillow at him. I’ve gotten so used to it that I can do it while I’m half asleep.

Castiel and his roommate Mick got along quickly too. I thought he was nice, but I was a little wary of him at first; with his stupid British accent. Then I met his girlfriend Toni and knew that Mick wasn't going to steal Cas. Not that Cas would ever cheat on me or anything.

Once, Cas and I were fooling around in my bed because Garth always went to work at noon, but this time he ended up trading with someone else or something so he was in turn home a lot earlier than expected. It was the only time I was glad that I was on the top bunk. Cas hid under the covers for an hour till Garth got hungry. Cas’ hands kept wandering to certain places so he wasn't the only one who was sweating while Garth decided to chit-chat.

But anyway, here's our schedule for this year:

My first class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are with Cas at 9:30 and biology. Then I go to one of my math classes while Cas goes to one of his art classes. Then we meet for lunch in the dining hall, then I chill out for a little while Cas goes to his philosophy class, then we hang out together or with some friends afterward. On Tuesdays, we don't have a class together and his class is right in the middle of lunch so that sucks but 4 out of 5 days ain’t bad. Thursday we have History together. It's not my favorite, but Cas is really into it, has been since high school. If I fall asleep during class he pinches my sides or will once in a while throw a pack of crackers at me. He too has become a snack machine like me.

My favorite class is Intro to Engineering, because of the professor. We call our teacher Professor Death because he played the song “O’ Death” by Jen Titus when he walked in. He’s a little intimidating. Think I’ve only seen him smile once since the class started.

The second week after school started, Cas and I took a drive around town and found this cool coffee shop called Back in Black. Cas described it as rustic looking. I liked it because of the reference to AC/DC. It’s become our favorite place. They make the best coffee.

I'm training myself to start liking black coffee. Cas thinks black coffee is gross, but I don't think he gets a say considering most of his “coffee” is milk and sugar. It’s an assault on coffee drinkers everywhere; can’t even watch him make the stuff anymore.

While we were there, we’d do our homework or just talk about stupid shit. The other day we had an argument about whether or not you should bite or lick your icecream.

Cas also got me into liking scones. They’re dry as hell but the chocolate ones aren't too bad.

Well, I gotta go study for this Biology test with Cas on facetime. I’m pretty sure I'm failing this final. Garth took an 8-week online course at the beginning of the year so maybe he’ll know….

He probably won't know...

Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think about the series finale!???


	22. Wisdom teeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't update last week I got Covid while at work... It's a mild case. I think I'm done with it, I just sometimes get tired now. BUT I'M OKAY. Anyway! Enjoy this chapter!

**Sunday, December 22nd, 2019**

[Dear Future Me,](https://forms.gle/eTSR8owHwueH5p8t8)

On Christmas break. I gotta say, it’s been nice not having a hole in between mine and Sam’s room. We’re going tomorrow to get paint and then it’ll finally be all done.

Been out since the beginning of December. Passed that biology final by the way. Way easier than the class had been. Passed the class with a C+!

Pretty good, right?

Didn’t get much sleep last night. Just went through the night from hell.

So last night, I went to bed at around 12 after talking to Cas for a little while.

I was feeling pretty good and my number was at 98 and steady.

Well, I ended up waking up at about 1:30 and was legit shaking because I was at 65. Didn't have any food in my room, so I had to eat a few glucose tablets.

Gross.

When I was shaking a little less, and at 74, I went downstairs with my supplies and ended up just on the kitchen floor, eating anything that I could grab. I ate two chocolate peanut butter granola bars and fruit snacks, then two spoonfuls of peanut butter since I guess I didn’t have enough in the granola bars... and a piece of bread. Must say, not a great combination. At all.

I just sat there for a minute feeling like… guilty. It reminded me of my days when I would binge anything that I could get my hands on. Back then it was even weirder food combinations. I knew it obviously wasn’t the same situation but I felt the same.

I don’t know. Guess it’s hard to explain.

Well, it did the job because when I checked again like half an hour later, I was at 96 and going up. I knew that I would need to do a correction because of what I had just eaten. So, I set my pump to give myself enough in preparation for the rise later. It didn't even occur to me that I should've changed my pump or that my pump was acting up. I was only asleep for less than two hours when Dad came in and woke me up because I was high.

High… ha.

I sometimes forget that he also has access to my numbers from his phone. Brought me back to high school when he’d used to wake me up when I was high or low.

As soon as I sat up, I could feel the headache coming. I checked my numbers manually to just be sure and all it said was HIGH. Which pretty much means you’re fucked I guess.

So I just sat there with my head in my hands and just muttered fuck over and over because it was 3:30 in the morning and all I wanted was to be asleep. I was running on under 3 hours of sleep and I felt pukey.

Turns out my pod had malfunctioned. So Dad helped me change it. He got everything ready and I just pinched my skin before the needle thing went into my skin then we checked for ketones.

We stayed up and I drank a ton of water to flush out the small amount of ketones and waited for everything to go down. Felt like absolute shit.

We ended up just watching a couple of episodes of Game of Thrones while we waited. Decided to keep that from Sam because he’d be pissed that we had watched it without him.

What he doesn’t know won't hurt him.

When I was at 110 and ketone levels were at bay, Dad went to bed. I went to bed when I was at about 120. By then it was also 6 o'clock in the morning and I was also half dead and fighting off the end of a headache so I went back to sleep.

Had this dream about Sam and me, but we were older, and I was getting to the good part where we were face to face with this vampire, THENNNNN my alarm woke me up for work. I had never straight-up called off for work before, but I was so tired that I had to do it. I called Ash and we ended up switching shifts. And I have to take another of his shifts in January, I agreed with no questions asked. It was a small price to pay for sleep. I ended up drinking a little bit of juice so I’d have time for some sleep. Then I drank water, went to the bathroom, and fell back asleep.

Never did return to that Vampire dream again.

Damn… Sam and I were pretty badass too. I was holding this blade thing and it was just awesome.

I took a look at my graph trend from last night and it straight up looked like a checkpoint.

So yeah, that was not what I was expecting to wake up to, but I guess it is what it is.

So, a few days ago, I had a Christmas gift exchange with the group. I hadn't seen everyone all in one place since before leaving for college in August. The only one who didn't make it was Dorothy. Charlie and her are still broken up. She still hangs out with all of us sometimes though. Charlie said she was picking up her new dog. I think she named him Toto or something. She must really like the Wizard of Oz.

Anyway, this year, instead of doing secret Santa, we all brought our own presents and Kevin read this story that had an insane amount of Rights and Left’s in it and whenever he would say right or left, we would have to pass it around.

My present landed on Kevin. It would've been perfect for anyone else in the group because it was an R2-D2 hot chocolate mug. I almost had a heart attack when he said he’d only seen the last 3 movies. Meaning he’d only really seen BB-8 in action.

I told him I’d find them all and we’d watch them.

Charlie got chocolate chip cookies made by Benny.

Cas got a bag of licorice bought by Kevin which I ended up stealing before Benny could get his hands on it. We're the only two in the group that like it. I just gave him the snuggie I opened that I assumed Charlie had contributed; she has 3 of them at home.

Benny got a pack of root beer picked out by Cas.

After that, we ended up watching Die Hard AKA the ultimate Christmas movie and I don't care what anyone else says.

Cas and I ended up hanging out at his place after that. It was nice just being close to him. We don’t get a ton of alone time together while we're at college so I like it when it’s just the two of us. 

Oh yeah, I forgot to put this in the last letter but Cas and I went to our first college party in November.

I didn't even want to go, but Cas thought it would be fun.

This guy, Victor Henricksen, was known for throwing big parties. He’s actually in one of my classes. He’s studying Mechanical engineering like me. This guy falls asleep in class every day and fucking gets straight A’s.

Damn.

The party was kind of cool. Loud and crowded. Played some pool though, and got 90 bucks.

Suckers.

I also tried my first pot brownie. In my defense, I thought it was a regular brownie, till I started feeling weird. I thought I was having a low at first but I checked and my numbers were fine. Things are a little hazy after that so I'm not quite sure about all the details, but I remember laughing at everything. I ended up sending a text message to Cas about... all the stuff I wanted to do with him.

I can't stop thinking about if I had sent that to anyone other than Cas.

Cas was pretty pissed and ended up taking me back to the dorms when I started trying to eat everything in sight at the party.

I felt awful and my eyes were bloodshot the next morning. But, just for memory sake here’s the text message that I saved:

Yeah..... not my finest moment. He was actually pretty mad that I had eaten it in the first place. It didn't matter that I didn't know the brownie had pot in it and he still made me promise I wouldn't ever do it again. I didn’t think much about it at first, but I think it has to do with all he went through with his mom. Or maybe he was just worried about me. I’m not supposed to take too much of that stuff because then I won't be on my A-game, but I gotta say, it felt kinda good but kinda weird at the same time.

Anyway, I now have four fewer teeth than I had at the beginning of this year. That’s right; got all 4 my wisdom teeth pulled out.

I’d been having some pain for the last few months or so, so when I got back home for winter break, I finally went in for a check-up. My dentist told me that my wisdom teeth needed to be taken out or they would become infected.

Benny, Kevin, and Bela didn't help when they were telling me stories of when they got theirs taken out. Benny ended up telling his dad about the time he got shitfaced when he was 16, which he denied later when his dad asked him about it. Kevin said he recited SAT vocabulary definitions the whole time. Bela said her face swelled up a ton.

Charlie said all of hers were still in and it was why she had so much wisdom…

Sure...

They told me not to eat anything the night before but when I told them about the d-bag, they recommended that my numbers be on the higher side and that I should try glucose gel. I had heard about the stuff, but I already had glucose tablets that I didn't touch unless I had to.

After trying the gel, I gotta say, I'd choose the glucose tablets any day.

Jesus… the texture alone was enough to make me gag.

Don’t even get me started on the taste.

The gel did help keep my numbers between 160 and 200 though.

I thought they would knock me out but they didn’t. They gave me laughing gas though. So yes, I was awake the whole time but I wasn't aware of anything. The surgery part didn't bother me as much as the things I would let slip to my family while… under the influence.

The procedure took about 45 minutes and Dad kept track of my blood sugar while I was out of it.

When I was done, Dad said I kept trying to talk but it was gibberish. He also said I kept saying my lips were gone and I wouldn’t close my mouth for at least the first half-hour. And apparently it took me about five minutes to put my seatbelt on because I was refusing any help.

I’m just glad I didn't tell him anything too embarrassing… but I guess I did tell him about the weed…

He didn't get too mad since he didn't yell at me?

Sam said when he got home from school, I was passed out on my bed drooling on my pillow.

I didn’t feel any pain while they were taking the teeth out, but after, on the first day when pain meds started to wear off, it felt like at least 50 people took turns decking me in the mouth.

Looked like it too.

The pain meds they gave me did a few weird things to my blood sugar. I had to program my insulin pump to give me less insulin because I kept going low.

I drank juice and ate lukewarm soup the first night.

Face was swollen for a couple days after.

Couldn’t even smile when Cas texted me a funny story about some guy that yelled at him because of the soup being too hot.

I think I'm gonna have to get him a shirt that says assbutt on it now.

Well, I’m gonna go take a nap. Last night threw my whole day off. Cas wanted to hang out today but I think I’m just gonna sleep.

Raise some hell,

Dean.


	23. The Lake

**Tuesday, April 14, 2020**

[Dear Future Me,](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfMx-sd9BFmSH3RqEXRmx_5uY-oKpNDrK3ATYfb1iDbUVdjXQ/viewform?usp=sf_link)

I just got back from the Lake at Bobby and Ellen’s house with Jo, Sam, and Cas. Ellen even made us some sandwiches. The water was still pretty cold, but once you got in, it was okay.

Jo kept blasting the song Watermelon Sugar on the way there. I think it’s by Harry Styles or something. I regret that right now, she’s the only passenger that gets to pick the music. Long story short, I dropped her phone, and now the screen is darker on one side and we can't fix it.

I was going to give her money to fix it but she said she was getting a new phone in the next months anyway so now she gets to pick the music when we drive.

The lake water was still a little cold but once you got in it, it was fine. Sam kept psyching himself out on the rope. When he finally did end up going through with it, the rope broke and he got water up his nose. What made it even funnier was that Cas, Jo, and I had gone before him and were fine but the rope decided to snap on him.

Forgot to unhook the transmitter part of my CGM, but it ended up being fine. Though, the adhesive is starting to come off. It’s day 8 out of 10 so I might just change it completely.

We left after Sam kept shivering. I keep telling that kid he needs to eat more but he doesn't listen. 

Anyway, before we came to Bobby’s I saw my favorite nurse, Mrs. Mildred at the store the other day. We talked for a little bit. She asked me what I was up to and how Cas had been. She still has that pin I gave her last year.

It was nice.

Yesterday at lunch when I was helping Bobby and Rufus fix up this car, Bobby handed me a beer. He thought he was giving me my first one. Tried to play it off too, but Rufus knew better.

I’ve only had it twice… or was it three times?

Well irregardless (I can say whatever I want Sam), I’m fine.

So, we’re not in school right now because It’s Spring break.

This semester I took philosophy since I forgot about class registration. It’s hard to listen to my philosophy class debate about whether or not Cain should have been punished for murder when he was never told it was wrong. I contributed as much as I could only because I have no intention of repeating the class again next semester but all I want to do is sleep in that class.

I also got a job down at school. I work the grill at the Biggersons grill. My boss Billie can be a bitch though. But I gotta earn that college money somehow.

I gotta say, I am damn good with that grill. It’s like the grill and I are one, I’m telling you. If you want steaks, burgers, chicken? I got your ass.

You want a salad or Vegan tofu shit? Your ass is on your own.

I’m not making that shit.

I’d go back to the music store during this break but Chuck closed the store down for the time being saying something about visiting his sister Amara.

Didn't even know he had any siblings.

I don't think we know much about him honestly. Apparently he wrote a whole series called _Supernatural_ but none of us have been able to find it anywhere. Claire thought she found it, but it was sold out.

Weird guy.

Since the snow started melting in February, Cas has been showing me how to skateboard more. Been getting kind of good. I can't do any tricks though and I still won’t go without the knee pads or helmet like Cas does. The other day, he told me that I should try other ways to get on the board, and then proceeded to show me 8 other ways to do it.

Show off.

Cas jokes he’s going to get me my own board, but I like using his.

So, Cas and I have been playing this game lately. It's why I almost never open his texts in public. Not because of nudes or anything like that… well… yes because of the nudes sometimes, but this particular time was because of the dirty jokes.

In February, I made the mistake of reading Cas’ text before a presentation. Big mistake. It was some crude joke about him being a pizza man and it involved pepperoni in places that pepperoni probably shouldn't go…

I mean I’d try everything once... but still.

So this presentation was a huge one and I really needed at least a C on it. Ended up fumbling through it so much at the beginning, I had to take a pause before I started talking again. Cas felt so bad when I told him about it that he promised to do my laundry for the next month. I actually ended up getting a B on that presentation but I didn't tell Cas until after the month was over.

And I kinda feel guilty about that part but, dude, it’s free laundry.

Speaking of Cas, he has actually unleashed some hidden talents since December. Talents that I didn't know he was capable of mastering. It’s something I haven't even mastered. When he first brought it up, I was completely shocked but also pretty into it. I’m really glad he went through with it. It took a lot of blood, sweat, yelling, and tears but once he got the hang of it, it was actually pretty nice.

And delicious.

Yes, that’s right, Cas has learned how to make bread. One day at the beginning of December, he said he was going to do it after seeing something on Instagram about it. And he wanted to do it without my help. I thought he was absolutely crazy. The guy who hadn't spent more than probably 3 days in the kitchen wanted to make something as difficult as bread. It took a lot of failed attempts but he actually is really good at it now.

The first 9 tries were a disaster. Either the bread didn't rise right or it was too dense or it wasn't cooked in the middle. The 10th try was the closest to edible, though sort of dry. The 14th time was actually really good.

We made sandwiches out of that loaf. Everyone didn't believe him and just thought he bought the bread at the store. If I hadn't seen all 14th attempts with my own eyes, I would’ve thought he was lying too.

Now he’s been experimenting with different kinds of bread. His favorite kind of bread to make is cinnamon raisin... which is my least favorite but I eat it to support him.

I'm a good boyfriend.

It was actually a big hit when he made a loaf for Bobby’s house. Jo said she can’t eat any glutton since she’s trying to get her skin prom ready.

Since we came to Bobby’s, I noticed that something’s been bothering Cas, so last night I took him out to dinner. This time it was this little Italian place that he found. We got the food to go and ate outside. While we were eating, Cas let me in on what had been bothering him.

His bio dad, Michael, had texted him wanting to meet up.

He hadn’t responded back yet.

When he asked me what I would do, I told him that if it were me, I would go meet him and see what he wanted. Probably the wrong thing to say because he told me he thought I’d say that and sort of shut down after that.

I think I should have asked him what he wanted instead of opening my big fat mouth. This doesn't mean that Michael is getting a pass. I haven't met the guy and I already know that he’s an idiot for not wanting Cas in his life. I’ve known Cas for 2 years now, and I know he will regret turning down this meeting.

And I know I’m not one to talk with everything that swirls around in my head, but I see how Cas shuts down around his birthday or the mention of his parents and maybe this might be good for him.

Actually, before we came to Bobby’s Sam and I had to clean the attack and I found letters from my mom for all three of us. It was dated when I was 10. She kept it short, sweet, and simple.

That was the day I got chased by that Demon dog who chased me halfway around the neighborhood. Swear this dog had it in for me. All 7 pounds of it.

But I hadn't seen the letter before and it was nice. There was also a ring in there. I remember mom wearing it.

The ring fits perfectly.

I don't know how I feel about that because it means that either Mom had big fingers or I have really small ones…

But anyway, I guess when Cas asked me about his dad, all I could think about was my mom and how if I had a chance to have my mom back in my life again, I would do it in a heartbeat. The situations are so different that I guess it was stupid of me to even give him advice.

Ramble On,

Dean.


	24. Maple Syrup

****

**Wednesday, April 22nd, 2020**

[Dear Dean,](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeIwoHPbaMqR_3FJwXrVaGGMB0F4qJig01XDuZJDFkUFRUwMA/viewform?usp=sf_link)

It’s Castiel.

I haven't written to you in a while and I like writing to you.

I wanted to start off by saying sorry. I lashed out at you at Bobby’s and have kept you at a distance ever since. You didn't deserve that.

You didn't deserve that. Especially when I asked for your opinion in the first place. I’ll admit, when you first said that I should give Michael a chance, I got mad that there was no hesitation coming from you. It’s like I wanted you to be angry at Michael with me. When I got that text message from Michael, at first I was shocked and didn't know what to do, so I left him on read. Later that night, it was all I could think about. I spent half an hour just looking at my phone, getting ready to delete his message.

To delete him like he had deleted me.

Which I know is an awful thing for me to think and say, but I couldn't help it.

When I was younger, I knew something was missing from my life but it took me a while to figure it out. As I got older and mom would talk about him more, I started making these scenarios up in my head of meeting him for the first time. The one that I kept thinking about was that one day I’d open the front door to my house and he’d be waiting. I had that fantasy for years, but every time I opened that door, there was never anybody on the other side of it. As the years passed, I accepted that he wasn't going to come. And I think I had gotten as comfortable with that idea as someone could ever get when the text came and ruined it all.

I was actually making my 3rd loaf of sourdough bread when I finally decided that I wanted to meet him and at least hear what he had to say. I wanted to do it not for Michael, not because you told me that I should, but because I wanted to.

I’m glad you offered to drive me when I told you about my decision. If it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't have gone into the restaurant.

I was actually the first to arrive. Michael came about 2 minutes after me and apologized for being late. Even Though we had actually both been early.

Michael didn't look like I thought he would. For so long, I had imagined him as this guy who was very tall, always wearing a suit and business-like. This Michael was the same height as me and had on a t-shirt with a plaid button up on over that and dark jeans that had a hole in them.

We sat at a booth. I ordered an omelet and orange juice and he ordered the waffles and black coffee. Which made me think of you.

We made small talk for a little bit. Asking about the weather as if we hadn’t both been in it less than 10 minutes ago.

In a moment of silence, I asked him why he hadn’t come earlier. It wasn't how I wanted to phrase the question or when I wanted to ask it, but it was how it came out.

I expected him to give me this complicated reason for why he let my mom leave and never came looking for us. He just shrugged his shoulders and sipped his coffee before he spoke again.

He told me that he just couldn't ignore his own behavior anymore. He said that he messed up and when he fully realized it, he didn't think Mom or I could ever forgive him.

And maybe it should have made me side with him more, but I just became angrier. I asked him why 3, 8, or 13 were too late to meet me, but 19- almost 20, was perfect?

He said he had been an idiot.

In my head, I added coward too.

He went on to say that when my Mom got pregnant, he thought he was a shoo-in to take his father’s job, but his younger brother Luke (who I have never heard of before) got it instead. He said that what he did wasn't right and downright unforgivable, but thought I should understand his thought process at the time.

I still don't.

The conversation was a little less tense after the food came. I told him some recent stuff that had happened to me. We talked about random things, school, and life in general. He got married to that Layla girl that he was supposed to be married to when he was dating my mom. They never had any kids. Layla didn't want any and I’m guessing Michael hadn't pushed.

I even talked about you a little.

When I first said the word boyfriend, I admit I was challenging him. He raised his eyebrows at first but lowered them and didn't say anything else until I was finished. He said you sounded like a nice boy and despite that my stomach was a little knotted up, I couldn't help but smile.

Nice boy.

After breakfast, he pulled out this worn envelope from his pocket. It was a crinkled check that had about 3 different pen colors on it, and it was in the amount of 20,000 dollars.

Something flared in me and I immediately tried to give it back.

But, he wouldn't take it.

I asked him if he really thought all the pain he had put me and my Mom through was worth 20k.

He just looked down at the table, then muttered no.

I wanted to tell him to take his money and that while I was glad that I had gotten closure, I didn't need anything from him.

But I didn't say any of that.

He then told me that he wouldn't accept it back and the amount wouldn't ever be enough, but that he had been saving up a little each year.

When he looked back up, he wiped at his eyes which were red-rimmed.

I put the check in my pocket and told him I would think about it and he said the account would be there if I decided if I needed it for anything. When we parted ways, he told me that he’d like to see me again. I smiled but didn't say anything back. I could tell by the way he kept raising his arms and then dropping them that he was deciding if he should hug me. So I decided to go for a hug.

The gesture made him start crying. My shirt had a big wet spot after.

I think it was at that moment that I decided I couldn't let him go again. I needed to mend this relationship for myself. I had held onto this pain because I was afraid if I let it go, all this hurt I had experienced would have been for naught. That Michael would get off scot-free. But I was wrong.

Even though I will never understand or agree with his past choices, someday, I want to have that moment where I open my front door and he’s on the other side.

It’s why I told him that I was looking forward to our next meet-up.

When I got back to the car you were drumming and singing along to ‘Thunderstruck’. The first thing I did was kiss you. You tasted like maple syrup. I just felt so much pride that you were my boyfriend. That you were mine and I was yours.

Even though I had been on this roller coaster of a ride with all the emotions I had felt, you were my one constant.

So thank you.

Love,

Castiel


	25. Jambalaya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! happy new year! I had to change a few things around this chapter but I like it. It delves into an old memory that Dean had of his mom that was originally supposed to be in the second chapter.
> 
> Hope you like it!  
> Next chapter is titled: Hulk soooo it's gunna be fun.
> 
> make sure to vote on your favorite name.

****

**Thursday, July 16th, 2020**

[Dear Future Me,](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeIwoHPbaMqR_3FJwXrVaGGMB0F4qJig01XDuZJDFkUFRUwMA/viewform?usp=sf_link)

I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.

Sam, Charlie, Cas, Kevin, and I are actually in New Orleans. Have been for the last five days. Benny invited us a couple weeks ago and nobody had anything better to do, so we all crammed into the Impala and drove there. We’re at Benny’s brother’s house and it’s about 9 o'clock here.

Sam asked if he could drive a little, but I still haven't forgiven him for almost crashing Baby when I took him out for his 15th birthday in May. I don't think Baby has forgiven him either.

The first morning we were here, Benny and I decided to work out. I could tell that he wasn't into it so I asked him about it. He was quiet for a little while but then he finally spoke up and said:

“I messed up, brother.”

Fuck.

That’s when I knew it had to be some pretty big fucking news. It wasn't the whole “I messed up” part, but the name he used. The last time he called me brother like that, he was telling me he was moving to New Orleans and not going to college and the time before that, he was telling me he spilled his goddamn protein shake while he was in Baby.

Jesus, I almost fudging killed him over that last one.

I should have seen this big news coming, he had been acting kind of weird since we had all gotten there.

So, remember when I talked about that one chick Benny was too nervous to talk to? Well her name is Andrea. Yeah, well they finally started dating in March. He talked about their first date like he was ready to tell her that he L-O-V-E-D her. I talked him out of it just because it was way too early, and he’d just scare her away. After that, he agreed that he shouldn't tell her yet, things were going great pretty great for them I guess.

Sometime between March and now, they had gotten pretty serious. And that was all fine and everything, but then Benny got her pregnant. And here's another kicker, his brother, Tim, still doesn't know. I think she’s due in January. Tim’s going to be so pissed.

I told Benny to tell him now before he found out from someone other than Benny. He said he’d think about it.

Idiot.

What’s there to think about?

After that, he started trying to change the subject by joking with me about my hair. Been letting my hair grow out recently. It started back in February, and then summer happened, and I just haven't gotten it cut again. Benny’s been calling me Rapunzel, but Cas likes it and that’s all that matters. Lately, he’s been running his hand through it.

Sam's been giving me shit about it too. Probably for all the years I’ve given him shit. I’ll get a haircut eventually. Meanwhile, I’ll be using his “coconut milk infused organic” shampoo and conditioner. I dont know how he got Dad to buy that shit, but my hair does feel kinda nice I guess...

But anyway, I actually decided to take a pump break a little bit before this trip. Been going rogue for the last 2 weeks now. Alicia and Max told me they do it every summer. At first, I thought they were bat shit crazy. I asked my endocrinologist about it and he actually said that some of his other patients have had “great success” with breaks. Supposedly it gives your body time to heal from all the site changes. So better insulin absorption. 

What really pushed me was when my CGM and my monitor aligned and both read 100.

It was fucking awesome.

Pros:  
No itchy skin from my insulin pump and CGM.  
Didn’t have to worry about pod failures.  
Can let my sites heal for a little while.  
Naked showers.  
Naked showers.  
Naked showers.  
Did I mention naked showers?

Cons:  
All the injections.  
Pricking my finger up to 10 times a day.  
All the math.

I also figured the hottest month would be a good time to try it. The sites are always so goddamn itchy in the summer. I almost feel like ripping at my skin.

It's been going pretty good so far. 

The only thing that’s been bugging me about not having the pump is that I’ve woken up really low a handful of mornings. This isn't a huge deal, it’s pretty much like when I didn't have the pump. It's just been nice to sleep in and not have to worry about that all the time. I know my body a little more to watch for signs of highs and low and that's been helpful.

The second night I was pump-free, Cas and I were doing this thing with this ice cube thing in his room and it was nice not to have my pump or my CGM on me. I ended up going low right in the middle of its so that sucked. We just laughed about it and I had to drink some juice. The kisses just ended up being sweeter.

God... can't believe I wrote that out... but it''s true.

Cas has never made a comment about the two devices, but it’s never out of my mind. When we have sex, I just kind of tell him where each site is, and he tries not to touch it. I’ve had a couple of site dislodged during and I didn't know it till afterward. Until I started feeling off.

Well anyway, I tried a beignet for the first time. They’re like these little donuts, but better.

Was totally worth that extra bolus.

Today we all went kayaking and my arms are killing me. Ended up running into Charlie’s boat a couple of times. She wasn't too happy. But it wasn't my fault, my boat had a mind of its own.

Benny was an absolute pro. He said he and Andrea had been kayaking a few other times. Sam and Kevin, on the other hand, definitely needed some practice.

He also invited Andrea over. I wouldn't think he’d tell Tim tomorrow, but I could be wrong.

A couple of days before he invited us to come to visit him, I did something I hadn't done in a while. I sat in my car at the light on the street my mom died on, Mary street, for about an hour that night. It was after I had heard a couple of people that looked like high schoolers at this shop close to Mary street say that they had heard that some woman died while picking up “that one son” from rehab when the crash happened.

It was annoying but I guess they partially got it right.

The day she died, she was picking me up from my support group.

It had been a pretty good group. By then, I had been going to that group for the last five months and I had finally started to semi-open up. We were talking about people we looked up to.

That day, I talked about my mom. And not that Dad isn't someone I look up to, he is, I just happened to think of my mom. And I can't get the thought out of my head that I was talking about her when the accident was happening.

I remember this one particularly bad night about a month and a half out of my inpatient stay for my eating disorder. I had been having these dark thoughts that had just been building and building throughout the day. And I was able to ignore them up until after dinner when I was in bed. I thought about my day. And how I just wanted everyone in my life to see me without the bulimia. How I had looked in the mirror that day and hadn’t recognized the person that was staring back. How I had felt so isolated. And then everything just got to be too much and I started crying.

I thought everyone had been asleep until I heard a knock on my door. I tried to say go away, but it wouldn’t come out.

It was my mom.

She ended up lying down with me and whispering these words that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

You are loved.

We’re all here for you.

You're going to be okay.

The next morning, she didn’t push me to talk about it, but I wanted to, so I did. She listened without interrupting and without judgment.

And after that talk, I had less thoughts of “I can’t do this” and more of “I will do this.”

That same weekend, she and Dad ended up changing all the other door handles to ones that you could open with a penny.

We had a few talks like that actually. She just always knew the right thing to say and do. 

It helped me feel less isolated and helped my recovery too.

I told the group a very condensed version of that, obviously. But it’s a good memory.

I can never forget the moment Dad told me the news. I didn’t really think much about the fact that Sam and Dad were standing in the place my mom should have been.

Not until he started off with, “Son, something happened to your mom. Something real bad...”

Next thing I knew, I was kneeling on the asphalt wondering how I had gotten there.

Didn't go back to group for two weeks straight after that.

I’ve had multiple talks with Jody about it, but it’s so much easier telling yourself that it wasn't your fault, than actually believing it.

It’s been four years now, and this guilt that I feel, has gotten… better… is that even the right word? It has gotten better but sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere.

I guess I would tell my younger self that it does get better. It’s slow, but it does get better. I would tell him that though he doesn’t know it yet, there's a group of people who will always be there for him no matter what.

And to try not to shut them out too often.

Anyway, tomorrow’s just going to be a chill day. Benny’s finally going to make that Jambalaya he made in Myrtle Beach. Been trying to convince him for days. I guess it’s been nice to get away and hang out with Benny. We’ve worked out a couple of times since I’ve been here and it’s like old times. We leave in a few days and I’m gonna miss that big lug.

Dean.


	26. Hulk (Timeskip)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TIMESKIP****
> 
> I did a little artwork for you guys. Enjoy! I've been editing this chapter all morning so if you see inaccuracies, then don't hesitate to mention them in the comments. 
> 
> Yes, Cas needs all the hugs in this chapter. It was one of my favorite chapters to write. Cas is so vulnerable here and I wanted to make it realistic.

**Saturday, June 25th, 2022**

Dear Future Me,

Right now it’s 11:52 PM.

We’re in a hotel in Chicago, Illinois.

I should be asleep, but I’m obviously not. The day has been a rollercoaster that only goes down.

Last night at around midnight, while we were eating takeout and watching _Shameless_ at my house with Sam, Cas got a call from his Aunt Tessa.

He gave one-word answers throughout the whole conversation and when he hung up, he just stared at his phone for a long while. When he looked back up at me, he had this look that was unrecognizable.

He then told Sam and me that his mom, Eve was in a coma at the hospital.

Sam asked if we wanted him to tag along but Cas said no, that Tessa was coming to pick us up after she was done packing. We started packing up our stuff that night but didn't leave till 2 am in the morning. It took me longer to pack up all my stuff. I didn't know how long we'd be in Chicago for so it was hard to pinpoint how much supplies I needed. I ended up packing 3 weeks' worth of stuff and a ton of batteries and test strips. 

It took 8 hours. I slept most of the drive because I knew that running with no sleep would be pretty bad for my blood sugar so Tessa and Cas drove for most of the ride. I woke up a few times and overheard them telling stories about his mom I hadn't heard before. Like the time his mom picked up a hitchhiker... Jesus.

When we got closer, I drove the last hour. It was very quiet in the car as we got closer to the hospital.

We got there at 10:30 am. Tessa dropped us off while she parked. On the way to Eve's room, he squeezed my hand so tightly that my hand began to hurt. His mom had so many wires around her. A breathing tube, heart monitor, IVs.

I had only seen pictures of her, but even to me, she didn't look like herself.

Cas immediately sat down on the chair closest to her bed and held her hand. He just kept whispering that he was sorry. Tessa came in afterward and stood by Eve's feet. I didn't know where exactly to place myself so I sat by the window and texted Sam and my Dad travel updates. The doctor came in shortly after, and she told us that his mom had had a cluster of seizures, one after the other before 911 was called. They had found a mixture of drugs in her system. She also said that they don't know when she’d wake up.

 _If_ she woke up.

We ate lunch at the hospital. It wasn't good but it wasn't bad either. Cas didn't eat much at lunch though no matter how much Tessa and I tried. Though we did get him to drink some water and a few crackers when we got back into the room at least.

Tessa went to the hotel to sleep for a little bit around 1 pm since she was going to take the night shift. Things got a little crazy when this guy with sunglasses came cruising in at around 7 o'clock that night.

You know who wears glasses inside?

Blind people and douchebags.

And this guy wasn't blind so it only left one other option.

He did have stains on his shirt, an overgrown red beard, though. And then, the guy had to open his douchebag mouth and say “Look who decided to show up” and Cas went from 0 to 100. It happened so fast, I couldn't catch him in time before he was wailing on this guy.

I have never seen Cas get that angry before.

EVER.

Like we’re talking about the fucking Hulk level angry. It was goddamn scary.

So yeah, met Nick for the first time. Wasn't impressed.

Cas got a few good punches to the nose and eye before I got him off. It left him pretty drained after. Nurses weren't that happy, but we were leaving anyway. Nick didn't press any charges or anything. Even he knew he deserved it.

Cas’ knuckles were pretty bruised up. I bandaged his hand up when traded places with Tessa, he didn’t even show any signs that he was in pain.

Afterward, we started driving to the hotel. Cas was unusually quiet in the car. He isn't a loud person typically, but this was different. He usually holds my hand while we’re in the car, but tonight, he just had them in his lap facing the window.

Out of habit, I went to squeeze his knee and he pulled away. It hurt a little, but I understood.

When we got to the hotel, I checked us in and we just sat there in the car for a little bit. Then he looked over at me with these eyes that I didn't even recognize. His bright blue eyes that I had fallen in love with were dull. 

Before I could say anything, he was already getting out of the car and walking inside.

By the time I had gathered up our luggage and put it inside, he was already in the bathroom. I unpacked our stuff, ate a snack, and changed my pod, but he still didn't come out. I then decided to order pizza, even got the forbidden Hawaiian pizza.

  
I had just gotten off the phone when the shower turned on.

I got kind of worried after the delivery driver came and went. Cas had been in the bathroom for a total of 45 minutes by then. I ate a slice of the pepperoni and I knocked on the door a few times but he didn't answer. I opened the door and was hit by this wave of steam.

He didn’t even react to me pulling the curtain back. I found him just sitting there letting the water run over him.

His skin was so red it looked painful. The gauze wrap was also coming off. I asked him if he wanted to get out, but he said no. I didn't know what to do, so I lowered the water temperature, undressed, and got in with him. When I wrapped my arms around him, he just began to sob.

I thought that I had hurt him for a bit, but I hadn't. In the 4 years I’d known him, I had never seen him cry.

About anything.

I had also never seen him hurt like that before either. I wish I could have taken it all away, but I knew I couldn't.

We sat like that until the water went cold and his tears stopped.

He refused to eat anything after I got him out of the shower and dressed. When I finally got him tucked into bed and bandaged up again, he was still sniffling.

With a shaky and slow hand, he pointed to his bag, tried to speak, but couldn’t. I dug around trying to find what he wanted.

Then I found it.

The stuffed mouse he had gotten for his sister, Anna, all those years ago.

When I handed the mouse to him, he smiled. Although it was weak, for the first time that day, he smiled.

I handed it to him before I wrapped my arms around him, combing my fingers through his hair like I knew he liked. It took all 10 minutes for him to fall asleep.

For the tremors to stop.

Today was hard for him. Today, I got to see this other Cas that was a shell of his usual self. Today, all I wanted to do was make him feel better.

My biggest fear is that he’ll shut me out and that’s the last thing I ever want. It took him so long to tell me about his life in the first place. Now, he doesn't shut down at all anymore when he talks about his family with me. And I like that. I like where we are. I like that we can share anything with each other and the other one doesn't think anything weird about it.

He’s been asleep for an hour, I wish he hadn't fallen asleep when he was this sad.

And tonight, I’ll be glad to be the bigger spoon.

Dean.


	27. Green Velvet

**Sunday, July 10th, 2022**

Hi, Dean

It’s 4:49 pm.

Your computer was open, so I thought I would write you another letter. I didn't know you were still writing letters to yourself. I’m glad you are.

Oh yeah, it’s Castiel.

You just ran out to get some take out. I told you to surprise me, but I know you’re going to get that one diner you’ve been eyeing for the last couple of days.

It’s been a week since my mom woke up. We’re heading home tomorrow. Back to normal. Tessa's going to stay with her for a little while.

I’m sorry I broke down on you like that.

Seeing my mom that first day in the hospital. The thought that she might never wake up. It made me think about the time when I let her walk away when I was 16. And also that I’d never get to talk to her again, that she’d never get to even meet you. All the thoughts were suffocating.

When Nick walked in and said that, I lost it. I don't remember all I did or feeling any pain in my hand after.

When I closed myself in the bathroom and looked in that mirror, all I saw was this little kid. The 11-year-old kid who was clueless about his mom’s problem. The 13-year-old kid who knew something was wrong with his mom but didn’t tell anyone. The 15-year-old kid who was shaking so bad the morning he found his mom choking on the floor, that it took him three tries to dial three simple numbers.

There was no difference.

We were all just the same scared little kid we had always been.

After the shower, everything that I had been feeling that day, all the anger, the pain, was just gone and I felt empty.

I appreciate that you didn't make me talk that first night, because I don’t think I could have.

So, thank you for all that you did, and are continuing to do.

I guess I just love everything about you. I love the way you sometimes kiss me with your eyes open. I thought it was creepy the first time I caught you doing it, but now I don't mind it.

I love the fact that you start to squirm when I look at you for too long.

I love that I can see your freckles in the summertime even though you wished you didn't have them.

I love that you’re just the slightest bit taller than me.

I also love how your sweet spot is behind your ear and how you like to be the little spoon after we have sex.

I love the fact that when you need a haircut, this one section of your hair sticks up by your temple. You hate when the hair sticks up, but I like to twist it with my finger when we’re watching tv. I think you secretly like it too.

I love when you swipe over my knuckles when we hold hands. Thought it was weird at first, but now I don't mind it as much. In fact, I can always tell something is wrong when you do it a bunch of times in a row.

I also love the fact that even though you say you don't read, the amount of books in your room has always told a different story.

Lastly, I love that you know all the things that I’ve gone through, and don't see me as that little scared kid.

Even if I feel like it sometimes.

I’m sitting here clutching this little green velvet box that feels so right in my hand. Without a doubt, I can say that you're it for me, Dean. I feel wanted when I’m with you. I feel it so deep in my bones that it hurts sometimes because I don’t think I will ever love someone more than I love you.

I was gonna do it, you know.

I was planning to propose to you but then this whole thing happened with my Mom. It would have been on the 27th… I had the whole thing planned out too. I had to go back to the drawing board though and I have yet to plan the perfect time to do it. 

Every day since then I’ve just been holding this box when you aren't looking. I love the fact that you haven't noticed yet.

I see Benny with Andrea and their twins and I want that with you. Well… I’m not sure if you’d want twins at such a young age, but I think you know what I mean. But, I want to grow old with you.

I love you,

Castiel

P.S. you can’t leave me, I know all your secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's happening soon y'all! NOBODY PANIC. But damn. almost 4000 hits. I'm proud of this story! Thank you for not letting it flop and thank you to the ones who comment everyone means a lot and I get super excited when I see the notification so thank you! The polls will all be closing soon since this story is almost done. Have a great day!


	28. To infinity and beyond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, this is very late. I'm a procrastinator and it's just who I will always be. Happy Birthday Dean Winchester. 42 has never looked so good

**Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022**

Dear Future Me,

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Wait…

Why do I feel like I've made that joke before?

Ah well, it don’t matter.

So, Cas and I are in Greece. Yup Greece. I should be asleep, but I’m not because I’m like a bat... always sleeping in the day time. Get it?

You know what, I’m just gonna get to the point.

We’re halfway through our eight-day vacation. We started planning this trip in March when Cas took this Greek history class.

During the class, he started looking up some Greek bread/desserts, and he found this thing called Baklava. Only, no matter how many times he tried to make it, he just couldn't get it right. He got super frustrated. It was kinda funny watching him get so mad. So, to cheer him up, I jokingly said, “I should just take you to Greece to learn.” I thought it was a pretty funny joke, till I looked over and saw this smile creep up on his face.

And five months later, here we are. When Cas’ mom ended up in the hospital, we didn't think we’d be able to go for a moment, but everything worked out.

The morning of the trip was pretty hectic. We ended up waking up half an hour late for the airport. It was a good thing that Cas suggested we pack up the car the night before or we’d be kind of screwed. While we were checking in our bag Cas thought he forgot his passport for a little bit but it was slid down to the bottom of his backpack.

I was honestly feeling pretty good after 2 mini heart attacks that morning.

During security, I had to carry all my supplies in my carryon and tell security that I had a CGM and Pump, and insulin pens. I had to get a pat-down. And let me tell you, the guy got a little too handsy for my taste. Cas thought I was overreacting, but I swear the guy for sure squeezed my ass.

The airplane ride was… don't even get me started. Gripped Cas’ hand almost the whole ride. I personally wanted a drink or something to take the edge off, but I also didn't feel like doing any sort of exercise at the airport when my blood sugar started rising because of said alcohol.

It was a 21-hour flight and we had to make two stops. The good thing about that, I did have some okay tacos at this one airport. Cas didn't trust them but that just meant there was more for me and my iron stomach. The plane left at 5 am and we got there at 7 pm that night. We rented this car that makes me miss Baby. I forgot the name, but it reminds me of a car Sam would like…

Yeah, that bad.

We were so tired when we arrived at the hotel that we barely looked around much before we took a shower and went to bed. When we did finally see it, it was nice. Cas picked a good hotel.

Not to sound like a dick, but it's been a nice little break from everything with Cas’ mom. She’s doing a little better. She’s up on her feet again in a treatment facility and is doing great so far. Nick is long gone. Has been since the week after she was admitted into the hospital. I think that had more to do with the fact that Cas told him if he ever stepped anywhere near his mom, he’d be the one in that hospital bed next time.

Not gonna lie, it was kind of hot.

Even though Nick is a colossal douchebag, I really hope for his sake, he listens. I know when Cas is joking, and that wasn't one of those times.

Anyway, we are currently staying in Santorini. It was Cas' idea. I didn't really have a preference where in Greece we went to, but it’s really nice here. The weather has been great too. It’s only rained once since we’ve been here.

Since we’ve been here, we’ve done a lot. First, we went to the art museum. I thought it was boring, but Cas loved it and seeing him get all excited was amusing. But the time we Truckhedge on our way from that college weekend visit was still better.

Cas even got someone to teach him how to make Baklava. I gotta say, it was pretty delicious.

We also went to the market. It was bigger than any of the markets I’ve been to. Everything that you could possibly think of, food-wise, they had. I made this fish dish topped with tomatoes and herbs. Cas loved it so much that we’re going to the market again tomorrow to get some more.

The second day we were here, I got a bleeder after I changed my CGM. Pretty rare for me. The insertion went perfectly. Didn't have any creases either and everything was fine until Cas noticed blood on the back of my sleeve and around the sensor. I wiped off the blood, but the damage was already done to my shirt. Had to change it which kinda sucked.

Couldn't get the blood out of the shirt, so Cas just cut the sleeves off. While we were in front of the mirror, he told me it looked better that way and his eyes got about two shades darker than they usually were. Think I unlocked another one of Cas’ kinks…

Oh yeah, and yesterday that blue-eyed boy who wore a trench coat on the first day of school, ate peanut butter and jelly sandwich religiously and didn't know that AC/DC was a band, proposed to you.

Yeah… surprise!

We’ll not so surprising to future me… I guess?

The day before yesterday, Cas told me that he wanted to take me to this new restaurant, which I was down for. The only thing I had to agree on was to see the sunrise with him at Skaros rock.

Basically he wanted to go hiking. Last year, Cas had gotten really into hiking. I went once, ended up getting blisters, and never went again. Those damn things took 3 weeks to heal.

This time, though, he said he brought tape for my feet, conveniently not giving me any reason to say no.

He then slipped in, so casually might I add, that we were leaving at 3 AM in the morning. I almost refused right then and there, but then Cas gave me his puppy dog eyes that would give Sammy a run for his money. Sometimes I don't even think he knows he’s doing it which is the worst part.

Cheeky bastard. He knew I couldn't say no when he did that.

When 3 AM hit, I turned off my alarm and proceeded to go back to bed. Cas was already up and ready to go and pulled the sheets off.

He got a pillow to the face.

You know when you open your eyes in the morning and it feels like they have sand in them? Yeah, that’s a sign that you should go back to sleep.

I wasn’t that hungry so I started off with coffee first. After that, I made us an omelet with goat cheese in it while Cas packed up our water bottles. Cas ended up having avocado with his omelet.

Gross.

Avocados ruin a lot of good things.

Anyway, Cas packed up our water bottles and more snacks. I double and triple checked all my supplies.

We left after breakfast. Couldn’t go back to sleep since the drive only took 10 minutes.

Cas took off his windbreaker to reveal that he was wearing the Assbutt shirt that I had gotten him. Couldn’t resist taking a picture. He had never worn it in public before so it made it that much better.

Before the trek, we put sunscreen on and I taped my feet in the spots I thought I would get blisters again. I was actually surprised to see five other people while we were walking up.

The hike took about a couple of hours. I kept asking how much longer, and he got so annoyed that he stopped answering me after the 10th time.

Listen, I go to the gym about 3 days a week and I still had to take a few breaks to catch my breath. Hiking or doing long walks is not who I am. It’s just not. Ended up pulling out the snacks halfway through too and I started lagging behind Cas towards the end.

When we got to the top I just sat for a little bit to catch my breath. Cas said he had to take a piss before the sunrise came in more. When he came back, he ended up tripping and falling. When I went over to him with some bandaids, he reached into his pocket and pulled out this box. I thought it was black at first, but my eyes had to adjust a bit, I realized it was green.

I just stared at him and he gave me one of his smirks. He opened up with the time I let him borrow a pencil the first day he got there, which I still don’t even remember. He told me when he first saw me he was attracted to my green eyes. Which is true, I do have nice eyes. He then added that he was glad that he told me the wrong locker combination… It’s been 4 years since he did that and I had no idea… Well, he then finished off with how he feels accepted and loved when he’s with me. He told me that on this day we had started dating 4 years earlier and that he couldn't imagine the rest of his life without me in it and then asked me if I would do the honor of annoying him for the rest of his life and if I would show him some more awesome rock music too.

Almost got teary eyes at the one.

Almost...

Okay… just a little bit.

Fine, tears just happened to be running down my face, okay?

I did the only rational thing a person could do when the love of their life proposes.

I said no.

Kidding.

Of course, I said HELL YEAH! Then pulled him up for a slow kiss.

Some passersby clapped and wooed at us.

When he put the ring on my finger, he let out a sigh of relief. He said he was nervous that he had gotten the wrong size since it was tungsten and he couldn't get it resized.

He told me later that he got tungsten specifically because it reminded him of my stubbornness. When he’s just as stubborn...

When we pulled away from each other, Cas winced. Turns out, he hadn't faked the fall like I thought he had, and there was actual blood running down his knee. I ended up patching him up afterward. I feel as though this is a recurring event… him falling and me always patching him up again.

Cas then pulled out two lunch boxes of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. With my head on Cas lap, we just sat there eating out sandwiches as the sky turned from dark purple to yellow and finally orange.

Even though I was still pretty tired, I was glad that we did that hike.

Not saying I’ll be going to every hike Cas goes on, but I guess I appreciate them a little more.

We ended up talking about life and the future as we ate.

Cas wants to wear a blue suit for the wedding. I think I want to wear a traditional suit. I’m not opposed to other colors, it’s just I look damn good in a black suit.

Turns out, Cas now wants four kids instead of one. He hated being the only child when he was growing up, and liked watching how “Sam and I interacted with each other.”

That’s a funny way of saying “pretty much killing each other…”

When I think about having Sam and Dean as my kids, my blood sugar starts to rise and my head starts to hurt. The other day, Sam and I fought over the last of a box of cereal. It doesn’t matter that I’m 21 and am going to be a senior in college this fall or he’s 17 and entering college, we still fight like when we were kids. My parents put up with a lot of shit over the years.

I think two kids would be okay though, but we’ll see.

When we started walking back, Cas made me carry him on my back a lot of the way. His excuse was because of the pain in his knee. That jerk, his knee was completely fine.

When we got home we were sweaty so we decided to take a shower. Things got pretty… steamy really quick. But sexy times in the shower didn't actually work out as well as we had hoped. We're usually pretty successful at shower sex, but that shower was a lot smaller than the one we're used to at home. We just ended up settling for the bed.

After that we just took a long nap and just lied around for the rest of the day playing games, eating, and swimming. It was relaxing.

If I had known what I know now, I would have said hi to Cas on the first day I met him and I wouldn't have danced around my feelings for him.

Cas has helped me heal things that I didn't know could ever be healed again. I can remember being scared to start a relationship with him because I thought I would fuck it up.

He’s all I could ask for and more.

Now, I know that he’s my equal.

Dear younger me, look at me now.

Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me your thoughts! 
> 
> I had a commission done by Avvarts!!! Very talented and I love this so much. I hope you did too! I was so excited to share it with all of you guys too because she brought my vision to life.


	29. Wild Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I present to you the final chapter. With original art by me. Carry on.

****

**December 24th, 2028**

Dear Dean Fucking Winchester,

It’s the night before Christmas.

And all through the house, not a creature was stirring.

Not even a mouse.

Sorry, I just had to add that part in.

Right now, the whole house is passed out, and I should be asleep too but I had to wrap some presents before tomorrow morning. I never really got the idea of wrapping gifts. People would be just as surprised if you handed them the gift unwrapped. Sam says it’s the principle of it all, but he can shove those principles up his ass. That’s why when I ran out of gift wrap, I wrapped his gifts in toilet paper. I figured since he was a college student, he’d love that shit. Dad’s gonna be so pissed. Hopefully, with everyone opening gifts and all, he won’t notice much.

Bobby, Jo, and Ellen arrived this morning to spend Christmas with us. Jo and Ellen have been into archery lately and they took Sam, Cas, and me to go try it out. I’ll admit, I didn't believe Jo and Ellen when they said archery would be hard, but I should have. My shoulders and arms still hurt. Cas was complaining about his back hurting even. We’re totally going again tomorrow after I meet Bela for breakfast. It's our thing now. At least twice a year, we catch up doing the thing we used to hate the least when we met each other in that eating disorder group. She's been doing really good lately. Hasn't ended up in the hospital in almost 2 years and even has a boyfriend. I can't explain it, but she has this glow about her that she didn't before... 

Anyway, Tessa is also stopping by tomorrow night with her fiance. We like him alright, he doesn’t talk much. He’s a taxi driver and basically has a map of the whole town in his head which is kind of cool. 

We picked names this year and I got Bobby. I got him a new hat that he probably won't wear until his other two hats are in pieces. I got Sam a bag of whole coffee beans and a new coffee maker since I broke his last one when I dropped it down the stairs while helping him move to his apartment. I also got him a subscription to hunt a killer which is an online game where everybody’s put into groups and they are sent different pieces of clues. They all have to collaborate on the clues that they got and who they think the killer was. Might as well use that big brain of his for something other than studying. I got the old man beef jerky and this beer I got from Louisiana when I visited Benny last summer. Haven't tried it yet but Benny swore by it. I got the golden age beer from Family Business Beer. I’m sure Dad’ll like it. He ain’t picky.

Cas kind of got the short end of the stick, but it’s his own damn fault. He told me at the beginning of December that he wanted these winter boots so I was like “hell yeah I’ll get you those boots”. But last week, he was wearing the same boots that he told me to get him. He just said he forgot he told me.

That’s my husband for you…

He does something like that every year so I should’ve expected him to pull this same shit. It’s like he has an aversion to getting Christmas gifts from me. Last year, the son of a bitch forgot he told both Tessa and me that he wanted these artsy pens. He ended up opening two packs on Christmas morning. This year he’s getting a pair of orange panties with angel wings on the ass. Something that I’ll enjoy too if you know what I’m saying.

Anyway, it’s always weird being back in my old room. Everything is exactly the same as I left it when Cas and I moved away three years ago. Cas and I actually live 4 hours away in Lebanon, Kansas, but we always come to Lawrence for Christmas.

It’s tradition and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

A few days ago I found these letters stuffed in my desk and I decided to write another one even though I hadn't written one in over 6 years.

I can't believe I started these letters 11 years ago when I was 16 all because of a school assignment from Mr. Ketch. I found out that he quit teaching a few years ago to publish his book called The Men of Letters. Not gonna lie, the book sounds kind of badass.

Going through these letters, a lot has changed over the years but some things are the same.

There’s a lot of good memories in there and some not-so-great ones that I wish I could forget. Hell, some of these things in here I didn't even remember happening.

And God, Cas, and Sam sneaking in writing letters to me were pretty awesome. I didn't know they had done that. Guess if I ever get amnesia or some shit, I could read these letters and they’d help jog my memory.

I’ll be 28 in exactly a month from now. It’s only two years till I turn 30 or the “dirty 30” as Cas likes to call it. I think he’s more excited than I am. He wants to go all out, but I’d rather do something small. He makes jokes like he doesn’t turn 30 six months after me.

The other day, he practically creamed his pants when he thought he saw a grey hair on my head. I just might have unlocked another one of Cas’ kinks… and I’m not mad about it.

Cas and I just had our 4th wedding anniversary this past July. We got married on July 27th, 2024. The wedding was on a Saturday in December. We had been engaged for 2 years and out of college for a little more than a year and we both had just gotten jobs where we currently live in Lebanon and we just decided that fuck it, let’s just do the damn thing. I wanted to get married at the courthouse, but Cas wanted all the family and friends to be there. Took about all of January and February to plan the damn thing… well, it took so long because Cas was very indecisive. We decided to have the wedding in Lawrence even though we lived in Lebanon. A lot of family and friends lived close to the area so most of them were able to come.

The wedding was at this red barn. It was the first one that we saw actually… out of the seven that Cas had insisted we look at afterward because he wanted to see his other options... Sometimes you gotta laugh at things or you’ll just get mad.

I wore a dark green suit and Cas wore a blue one. I tried on this red suit and we were both pretty into it until I made a joke about making purple the night of the wedding and then he said I couldn't wear a red suit anymore… I thought it was pretty funny.

For our bachelor parties, we both went on separate weekend road trips to do different things and obviously party. Cas went to Colorado with Meg, Charlie, and Kevin. When Cas was talking about going hiking and painting, Meg was gagging in the background. When Cas called me one night, he, Kevin, and Charlie were so drunk I could barely understand what they were saying. It was awesome. Thank God Meg was there to liven things up or it would have been boring as hell. I got a ton of pictures of Kevin and Cas hiking so he got to still do what he wanted. He also got to paint while on this mountain too.

I went to Dallas, Texas with Benny, Max, Garth, and Sam to a strip club and then a bar because why the hell not? I drank just enough to feel buzzed and loose and it was nice. After Eye of the Tiger came on, this guy named Lee called me up to sing because he said I “can't just keep lip syncing Eye of the Tiger when no one was watching.” He picked the song “Good Ol’ Boys” and I ended up inviting him to the wedding right then and there. The best part was that he actually came. Surprised the hell out of me and even got us a pack of beer.

My man.

We ended the night soaked with sweat and happy as hell. It was a dream.

Lee is now my best friend. Sorry, Benny, it was a good run but I’ve found someone else.

We’re still in touch and he invited both of us to Texas this summer for the opening of a new bar he’s opening up. Already got our tickets.

We decided to have the wedding at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. The morning of the wedding, I was pretty nervous which didn't help my blood sugar. I was kind of all over the place the whole day actually. I kept thinking about the fact that I was marrying the most awesome dude ever. Back then, I was trying this new insulin pump. That one had tubes and everything and I was still getting used to it. I had wanted to try something new but I’ll never know why I decided to switch a month before my wedding. It was okay, but I had been spoiled with being tubeless for a while so it was annoying. Got it stuck on drawer handles and door handles sometimes. It was nice to be able to unhook for a little bit and it was nice that it was more compatible with the CGM. I’ve since then gone back to the pump I started with.

Anyway, I guess looking back, I was just excited. By the afternoon of the wedding day, I started feeling pretty good. My dad made everyone pancakes and bacon for breakfast and I was ready to go.

After that, we all headed to the barn. I thought we’d walk down the aisle together but Cas wanted to be the one who walked down it. Benny’s twins were the flower duo. Cas walked down to the song I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. The song hadn't even been the one that was rehearsed and when it started playing I turned around so fast I felt my neck pop. Cas was lip-syncing the whole time and just laughing and I started laughing because he was laughing and I don't know… it was beautiful.

Never would have thought that I would be married to the person I dated in high school. I think I first had the idea of Cas being it, was after a huge fight we had in senior year of college. It was a few months after the engagement actually. We even agreed to just take a break from each other. It only lasted for a day and a half till we were back together again.

But, I guess when I imagined the rest of my life, it was always with Cas.

There might have been some tears. Won’t specify who they were from.

Fine, they were from me.

I just had this feeling of, wow I’m finally marrying the love of my life and everyone that I loved got to witness it too.

It was a surreal experience that I’ll never forget.

We had Tessa’s new food truck for the wedding and they served BBQ. She even served the Dean Special. She said it's been a big hit since she debuted it. People are still always surprised when they find out that the Dean who inspired this sandwich has type one.

At first, so many people stopped to talk to us that we couldn’t get close to the food. Every time we would get closer to the truck, someone would start up a conversation. I tried to slip out when they were focused on Cas, but then they started asking me questions instead. At one point Cas successfully slipped out without me and I thought I was gonna have to kill him. Thought we were going to have a shorter marriage than Kim Kardashian and her first husband. I was even more pissed when he came back with a plate of food.

Turns out the plate was actually for me and I didn’t have to kill anyone after all.

Cas’ friend, Hannah, made us this peanut butter and chocolate cake.

Listen, pie will always be the love of my life next to Baby, but fuck… that cake was amazing. It was the perfect amount of chocolate and peanut butter. I’m betting that if heaven had cake, it would be that specific one.

I still dream about that cake.

I took one bite of it and I swear I heard heavenly music. And what was even better, was that she gave us a pretty good calculation of the carbs and calories in it, so I didn't have to play the guessing game.

I should see if Cas can ask Hannah to make that cake again.

It was one of the best days of my life. Benny was my best man and Meg was Cas’. They both did a small speech. Benny went with the “we go way… way… way… way… way back” speech. All the way back to when we were 9 and we had a sleepover. We dared each other to run out in the snow with only shorts on.

God… that was such a bad idea. Just us being stupid kids.

Meg went with the surprisingly sentimental speech about the time during a field trip he did homeschooling and she and Cas both got lost at World of Fun and they spent most of the day together until they were back with their group again. Then in true Meg fashion, she ended with, “if you hurt him I’ll kill you.”

I’m sure never in a million years Cas would have thought his mom and dad would both come to his wedding. The three of them even took a picture together.

I was skeptical of the photographer, Jack, since he looked like a middle schooler, but he is one talented dude.

When we got our album back, there were so many pictures. There was one with me and Nurse Mildred by the food truck, Garth sticking bunny ears behind my head… Max and Alicia and I showing our pumps, Cas grabbing my butt (god...), Bela and I eating some of Cas’ cake (it was his third piece, come on). A lot of good memories in there.

Benny, Cas, and I ended up leaving early since we had to catch a flight to Florida. Sam just had to put a banner that said JUST MARRIED on Baby. Thank God, he didn't use paint.

Some friends let us use their grandparent’s timeshare for a week.

The flight was only a couple of hours long but we both fell asleep. I hadn't gotten great sleep and Cas didn't either. When we got to Florida at around 10 that night, we got the rental car, got some fast food which we ate on the drive over to the place. It took us about an hour to get to it. Once we got our keys, we brought our bags in, looked around a little bit, then went upstairs, got undressed, got under the covers, and then proceeded to pass out from exhaustion.

Couldn't have asked for a better first night.

Best sleep I had gotten in a week for sure.

We had a good time in Florida.

I remember that I got a nice suntan because when I switched out the CGM, I had a pale spot on my stomach from where it was attached to my skin.

It was funny, while we were at this club, this couple asked if we wanted to have a foursome. Castiel politely declined, which to be honest, I didn't expect. Since you know he’s all about “experiences” and all. If you would've asked me in high school, I would have agreed without a second thought, but now, I don't want to share Cas. Thought Cas was going to say the same thing, but he said they weren't his type...

Then he tagged on that I was all his now.

Nice save… that cheeky bastard.

Since then, we’ve been cruising. Marriage is at least 50 percent mostly just asking the other person what they want for dinner each night ideas about dinner.

It hasn't always been easy because we're both stubborn sons of a bitches but we’ve gotten through it. When we do get in big fights, we found out early on that we need time away from each other. Not like going to a hotel away from each other, just being in separate rooms for a while. I got sent to the couch because of something stupid I said and I woke up in the morning to find Cas wedged between me and the couch. We decided that no matter how mad we were at one another, we would always go to bed and wake up next to each other.

Sounds sappy as hell but it works.

For our first anniversary, we actually did a role play thing that Benny recommended. The plan was to pretend that we didn't know each other at a bar. I chose the name Jensen and he picked Misha. I bought him a drink, cock blocked the guy who asked him if he wanted to dance, and used what I thought were my best lines. Cas barely kept a straight face after his first drink. I forgot that he was such a lightweight. It went pretty good up until my key card malfunctioned. That took a little while to straighten out, but once we got into the room, we started kissing, he got my shirt off and then he pushed me onto the bed, then landed on top of me, kissing my ear, and then he just stopped. I thought this was part of the act until I heard him snoring.

Yes, that happened... and I’ll never let him live that one down. We’ve been meaning to try it again but just haven’t gotten the chance yet.

We’ve been out of college for a little while now. We actually went to our 10-year high school reunion in January. Cas and I both didn’t want to go but somehow Charlie and Benny and Kevin convinced us to. It was pretty boring at first and we ended up getting each other off in the supply closet. When we got to the party we bumped into Cassie. We talked for a while Cas was catching up with some other people. She’s a news reporter on tv. It made sense since in high school she was really into writing.  
I looked her up online and watched a few videos of her news reports and she’s really good. Things weren’t awkward between us or anything. It was honestly nice catching up.

Anyway, the group chat goes through patches of slowing down but it’s still up.

Benny is in the process of finally opening up his own restaurant. He’s still in the early stages of building it and it’s going to be named Heart and Soul when it opens a year and a half from now. He and Andrea eloped after their twins were born. They ended up having another kid 11 months after. Andrea was pissed when she found out. She made him go stay at his brother’s for a few days.

Now the twins are both 7 and the third kid is 6. Cas and I are their Godparents.

Moving on to Kevin. He is now a crime scene investigator… kind of like the ones on tv but his title is a forensic linguist… if that's how you say it. Well, all I know is that he analyzes and translates anything from social media posts, or texts to emergency phone calls to help solve crimes.

He hasn't dated anyone since freshman year of college so we joke about it, even though there’s nothing wrong with it.

Charlie had an early midlife crisis and is now traveling the world. She just sent us an ornament from Germany and has been to Italy, Australia, and Thailand too.

She and Dorthy were off and on for a couple of years after our wedding but decided to just call it quits. Benny and I have a pool going on to see how long it will take for them to get back together again. I bet that It’ll be within the next 3 years, but Benny thinks they're done.

We each bet 200 bucks. We haven't told either Cas or Andrea yet so when it finally happens, one of us is getting our asses kicked by them.

It’s gonna be great… I hope it’s Benny.

On to Sam. The little brother graduated from Law school which means a free lawyer for me if I have a run-in with the law. HE STILL has to go through graduate school.

Yes, I still call him Sammy even though he's got a few inches on me. This doesn't mean I have stopped calling him Sammy. I gotta say, having a younger sibling that is taller than you is just plain disrespectful.

He has been dating this girl named Eileen I think for like a year now. She lost her hearing when she was 6 months old. I gotta say, his sign language is looking pretty good. A year before they started dating, Sam would force me to practice with him. We were both surprised when Cas suddenly started showing Sam signs. He just shrugged and casually said he had a coworker who was deaf and kind of just started learning on his own from there.

Yes, even though we’ve known each other for almost 11 years now, I’m always learning something new about him...

Anyway, oh yeah, my dad got married a couple of years ago. He and Kate Milligan were secretly dating for months before he told Sammy and me. We were all kind of shocked since he hadn't obviously dated anyone since Mom had died. We were never mad, though. And I think I can speak for both Sam and me that Kate is good for dad. He deserves to be happy again even though it won't be with mom. She's a lot different from mom but she has a quick tongue.

I think he may have a type…

I worked part-time as a mechanical engineer for this small company in town for about 4 months right out of college and then it went under. So we were all let go. It was a good first job. We were in charge of product design of car motors.

Cas got a job straight out of college and he liked it at first but started hating it like 6 months in. His boss Metatron sounded like an asshole.

Took me about 8 months to find another job. Now I work at this cool company that manages systems for other big facilities, but during those 8 months without a job was hard. It was hard having only Cas support us. Diabetes ain't cheap. To save money, I started doing multiple injections. And I felt… kind of useless. I began to throw myself into workouts actually. I didn’t even realize It was becoming an issue until Cas mentioned that he was worried about me. At first, I told him that he was overreacting, and we started fighting about it… actually we began to fight a lot more. About stupid shit too. So I in turn decided to workout every day, sometimes twice a day.

The stress of not having a job also started to take a toll on my sleep. I’d sleep around 5 hours a night and wake up, apply for more jobs, eat something then go workout. All of this was affecting my blood sugar, thus affecting me. I was more thirsty, tired, and sometimes I couldn't get my dick up. Ended up in the hospital because I got down too low and Cas had to give me Glucagon which is something I hadn’t taken since I got sick that one time in high school. Cas was so angry at me and my self-destructive streak he didn't talk to me for 3 days after. I applied for twice as many jobs that night and started taking better care of myself and working out less since it was becoming a problem.

Three weeks later, I got a call from a phone number from Lebanon, Kansas for a job interview. I almost fucked up the second zoom interview because I overslept. They ended up having technical difficulties so they had to push back the interview by half an hour which gave me just enough time.

I was hesitant about moving so far away from everyone, but Cas and I are glad we did it. It was a big move for me since I hadn’t lived anywhere other than Lawrence Kansas. I mean there was college, but that didn't count.

Cas got this job as a guide for this museum of Art. It was perfect because he got to talk about art and history, which were his two favorite subjects.

He then decided to put his art up in a show a year ago and some really rich lady bought 3 of his paintings for her home and offered him a job as a curator.

My boss Billie means business. From the first day, I knew she wasn’t the type to take any bullshit.

We lived in a studio apartment for the first two and a half years until we could afford a house. The studio that we had was so small that we felt like we were always bumping into each other. This house had the biggest backyard and also a deck so that was an added bonus. It has 3 bedrooms and an office. I think Cas just liked it because it had an orange kitchen.

YES, our room is painted orange. BUT only one wall and it’s not as bright as Cas’ room back in Lawrence.

We have random things in the house that some of Cas’ art clients have given him. Someone gave him this doll from hell that’s creepy as shit and I turn it around every time I see it. I hate it but Cas thinks it’s cute. I keep telling him that scary dolls aren't cute but he won't listen. If we’re found murdered one day, It was for sure the doll. No doubt about it.

Speaking of Cas, he has begun to expand his cooking skills. He can now make cookies. It’s not a huge step from bread but I’m proud of him nonetheless. Now our freezer is packed with bread and cookies. He bakes cookies when he’s happy and bread when he’s stressed or bored. We finally decided to start donating to some homeless shelters. Sometimes he’ll also put them at the art shows that he puts together. He says they're the perfect conversation starters... ?

God, I love that dude.

Cas and his dad still hang out from time to time. Layla and he are supposed to be visiting us in February. They’ve gotten closer over the years but Cas definitely holds back parts of himself which is understandable but at least he tries. I’m just glad they even have a relationship.

Cas’ mom has been free from drugs for one year now and has regained most of her mobility. She ended up having multiple relapses after the coma which was expected. As someone who went through recovery myself, I know that it’s not a straight line. She’s been going to her meetings and has a sponsor. She has not come to visit us since we’ve gotten the house but she did visit us at the apartment. Despite all that’s happened between Cas and her, their relationship is really good. They FaceTime at least every other weekend. She looks better than she did too. Cas look’s a lot like her. After her last relapse a year ago, she shaved her head bald. It’s since grown into a messy bob thing. She also met someone new.

His name is Balthazar, I’ve never heard of a weirder name than his and on top of this, he likes to knit. We have grown to like him.

Well, Cas hated him before he even met him, Which is understandable. It took one dinner to figure out that he was nothing like Nick, and that was a start.

He’s into gardening and owns his own plant store. He also does knitting classes and is into all this holistic shit. Had to block his emails because he kept sending me articles on “ways that you could cure my diabetes.” Finally had enough when I saw an article about how grapes can cure type 1… If I could cure it with grapes, our freezer would be full of them right now instead of cookies and bread. I know he's trying and that's nice and all, but it still sucks.

What else… oh yeah we got a dog. Her name’s Daisy. She's a German Shepard and she's the best dog ever. Yes, Dean Winchester just said that and he actually meant it.

She's 2 years old now but we’ve had her for a year. Cas was the one who got her from the shelter. Surprised to come home from work one day to find a dog greeting me. Cas and I actually got into a big fight about the dog. By that time, we had been married for a little bit but we hadn't talked about having any animals. Neither of us had ever had one growing up so I just assumed he didn’t want any.

Well, it took maybe a day and a half for me to absolutely fall in love with her. She chewed through two pairs of my house shoes when she was younger. Never chewed on any of Cas’ damn shoes…

We finally trained her to not cross the street without us. Best thing we could’ve ever taught her, besides play dead.

That get’s me every time.

off to some more unexpected news.

Cas and I also have a baby.

Yes, someone in this universe trusted us with a BABY.

Mind-boggling, I know.

We knew that we wanted at least one kid before we got married but we didn’t know how to talk about both just jizzing in a cup, but I flat out refused to participate. Here’s the thing, let's say if the baby turned out to be mine, and then years pass by, and all is great. Then BAM, that same teen starts drinking too much water and peeing too much and now they have type 1. And this may all be irrational, but if there is any chance of me passing this to my kid, then I couldn't do it.

I’ve been living with the d-bag for 11 years now and things haven't magically become easier. Some days are alright, some days are bad, and other days are downright shitty.

We ended up signing up to adopt two years ago, not really in a rush for everything to go through though. We got a call last Halloween saying that they had found someone for us, but that her situation wasn’t... “typical” but wouldn’t tell us anything else before they set up a time for us all to meet.

Cas got so excited that he went out and bought not one but two car seats.

The first encounter was at this breakfast place about half an hour from our house.

Nothing could have prepared us for Kaia Nieves. She was 18 and homeless. Foster care since she was 7. Curly hair with purple tips. She carried around this hiking backpack that had to of weighed at least 15 pounds.

Before the food came, she just stared at both of us, we thought it was because she was shy, but when we started talking, she just shushed us and said she needed silence to think. After about a few more minutes, she began to talk.

The only question she wanted to know was if we loved each other. I froze because I wasn’t expecting the question, but Cas started to answer right away. He told her about the time we met in high school and how I helped him with his locker. I chimed in with the truth that it wasn’t actually a sticky lock, to begin with. She just had this smile on her face the whole time and I felt like we had passed some sort of test.

She actually didn’t ask us a ton of questions after that. Don't know how she could have with all the food she was shoveling into her mouth. She ordered 2 pancakes, an omelet with salsa, both sausage and bacon, a fruit cup, and coffee. It was more food than Cas and I got combined and when we thought she was done, she ordered a cupcake too. It was fucking impressed. She ate everything too and got a muffin to go.

Kaia said that she didn't know exactly who the father was, but it could have been a few of the guys she met in passing. She just kind of shrugged and said it would be a fun surprise at birth.

At the end, She told us that she liked us and we were the couple in her dreams.

And this was Kaia...

She then said she would contact us again soon.

We were kind of surprised that she was still going to travel but then we gave her our numbers but we didn't see her until she was 7 months pregnant.

She called in the middle of the night 5 months later and asked us if she could stay at our place. I was skeptical about having her in the house living with us, but Cas wasn’t. She ended up moving into our living room that night. Daisy fell in love with Kaia the moment she walked into the house and slept with her on the couch every night.

It was an interesting experience getting to be around Kaia every day. She loved heavy metal music but also instrumental. She loved to cook… but she didn't cook well at all. She made this… dish that had a can of split pea soup, a can of tomato soup, and a can of beef broth. And that all was gross… but okay… but then she added two soup cans of milk and some wine… well she didn't have wine so she added apple juice… I still have nightmares about that dish. Thank god Cas offered to take us to a restaurant instead.

We went to this lomaz… lamaze class… That breathing class thing that got me sort of light-headed. We learned a bunch of useful things. Cas took a ton of notes. Kaia and I just basically goofed around the whole time. Ended up getting an ear full from Cas later.

She had a lot of… odd cravings like one time I walked in the kitchen from work and she was eating pickles with ice cream and I walked right back out of the house. Pickles and ice cream don't even remotely go together. I ended up hanging out in a coffee shop till Cas gave the all-clear.

Kaia brought this guy over. I forgot his name but the sonofva bitch wore sunglasses inside.

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and douchebags.

And he wasn't blind…

The place was a mess. Cas and I helped clean it up afterward. I was pretty pissed at the whole thing actually but I kept my cool pretty well.

We did a bunch of shit to get ready for the baby. Both of our families either came to help or sent stuff. Tessa helped us paint and put the room together. Dad and Sam helped me build the crib. Don’t think I’ve heard Sam curse as much in his whole entire life. Balthazar knitted the baby an elephant and Cas’ mom gave us a list of things she remembers using and things she didn’t use which helped. Kaia didn’t want to find out the gender but we painted the room this cucumber green color.

We even traded Cas’ truck for a used four-door car. There was no way in hell I was ever going to give up Baby. Getting the car seats hooked in the car was a bitch though.

Early in the morning of Saturday, May 13th, Cas had had some really bad stomach pains. We thought it would just go away at first but then he started puking and he couldn't even stand up. At around 10 am, Kaia and I took him to the emergency room and it turned out that he had appendicitis and had to have his appendix removed.

He was so out of it when we found out that he didn't even say anything. I told him he was going to be alright and moved some hair off his sweaty forehead. Minutes after they took Cas in for surgery, Kaia winced and held her stomach. Turns out she had been in labor all morning but hadn’t said anything because she thought it wasn’t actually labor. We ended up walking around the hospital because she wasn’t ready to get checked in yet.

We truly had damn good timing that day.

I started to panic when she held onto the front desk and crouched down and didn't talk or do much for a minute. I thought that she was going to have the baby right there and then. That's when we thought it would be a good idea to get her checked into a room. She grabbed my hand on the elevator and I thought she was going to break it.

We got the news that Cas had come out of surgery at 12:30 pm, Kaia had just settled into the room. I was running back and forth to both rooms until Cas told me to just facetime him so he could be in the room too.

When she was offered the epidural at about 5 hours in, she declined which was about the craziest thing my hand and I had ever heard. She said she wanted to experience labor and shit. Cas was wheeled in on a wheelchair when she started pushing. By then he had been out of surgery for 9 hours.

When the baby came out at 10:05 pm, she let out the loudest scream I had ever heard. I’d like to say that labor was beautiful and all, but I’m not going to lie. It was scary as hell. I was shaking afterward and Cas was for sure holding back tears.

He was actually the one who got to cut the cord.

The birth of the baby and the whole adoption situation was hard for Cas. He said after that it brought up old feelings of his family and also Anna. I think it softened the blow when she said she still wanted to be somewhat a part of the baby’s life even though she still wanted to travel. Cas has even been going to therapy about it all actually. He thought it was too late, but I never think it's too late for therapy. Hell, I still have zoom calls with Jody every once in a while. No shame in getting help.

The baby had a full head of dark hair and a layer of hair on her skin… she was so hairy...

She weighed 7 pounds and 1 ounce.

Kaia didn't want to hold her at first but Cas and I thought it was best. She cried and told her that she loved her. Then she said she laughed and said that the baby looked nothing like any of the possible dads. Cas and I had prepared for Kaia to change her mind. I thought at first I thought she was going to (Which we wouldn't have had a problem with) but she didn't. She handed her over to Cas and we both just ended up staring at the baby while the nurses got Kaia cleaned up. We both couldn't believe that she was finally here or that this was all real.

We all decided on the name Journey. Sam and my dad both gave me shit about it but then they saw her and stopped.

The name… it just fit all three of us and well… our journey to this point I guess. Sounds cheesy as hell but I wouldn't have it any other way. Not to mention it as one of the most iconic bands that ever walked this earth.

Both Cas and Kaia came home the next day. They were both pretty uncomfortable for the first few days after so I had to do a ton of stuff.

It had to be the most chaotic day I had ever experienced. Cas had this wicked scar on his lower right side of his stomach from the surgery. I want to draw two eyes above the scar so it looks like a face so bad. 

The first night, Kaia, opened up a little about herself. Her grandpa took over after both her parents were killed. After he got sick and died, she was moved to foster care. She had lived in over 14 foster homes since then. Kaia said she made one friend in the system but they had been split up and she had never seen that friend ever again. She wasn’t even sure if she’d ever find them again. She talked about nowhere that she had been to had ever truly felt like home and how her skin itched when she stayed in one place for too long. She had been to 12 states so far since she had aged out of the system.

Kaia stayed to recover and nursed Journey about a month after but has since then returned to her traveling. We have an open adoption with her because we wanted her to stay in Journey’s life as much as possible. She visits every other month and she always manages to bring Cas and me a couple of souvenirs each from the last place she’s traveled to. Soon our house is going to be overrun by snow globes and key chains.

We worry for Kaia’s safety sometimes but she refuses to come live with us; says she's a free bird… like that one Lynyrd Skynyrd song. She texts us every once in a while and we send her pictures of Journey. Last time we saw her was last week. She brought Journey a shirt that said Merry Christmas and us both Santa hats that one of her friends off the street gave her… we haven’t worn them and we probably won’t.

She also said that she had met this guy. I was suspicious when she mentioned that she crashes with him from time to time. I suggested we meet this fellow but Cas squashed that idea and said we’d meet him when Kaia wanted us to meet him. Which is complete bullshit. If this guy is a garbage of a human being, then I want to know about it.

Cas did mention that she seemed happier, I didn't see any difference, but if he thinks so then it must be true.

My favorite part of the day is story time before putting Journey down for bed at night. Sometimes if I don’t have a book, I’ll talk to her about random things. Hell, the first night with her I rocked her and told her about all my fears about being a dad and the mistakes I'm probably going to make.

Cas’ favorite part is "babywearing". He wears Journey anywhere he can. To the store, on walks with Daisy, around the house. I do my fair share of baby wearing but he does it more.

It’s damn hard being parents but I think we’re doing okay.

Well, Journey is 7 months old now and is now blond. Yes, blond. She looks like a completely different baby than when we took her home. I can’t even explain why her hair changed. Hell, I’ve heard of kid’s hair turning darker, mine did, but not lighter.

She’s still a little hairy though… poor kid.

That little girl has been the reason for a lot of sleepless nights. She can roll, sit up on her own, and will grab anything in sight. It’s why depending on which arm my pump is on, I’ll make sure to switch how I hold her. She can't take it off but he has dislodged the cannula before. Not fun.

It’s been interesting watching her personality… bloom. She’s feisty like Kaia that’s for sure… Recently she’s been really into throwing toys and food on the floor. The first thing that made her laugh was when I made a popping noise by putting my finger in my mouth. Cas and I tried for months and she laughed at the simplest thing.

She likes cookie crisps thanks to Sam.

She loves oranges because she’s Cas’ daughter.

She hates avocado because she’s mine.

She absolutely loves Daisy. It was funny because Daisy was always protective of Kaia when she was pregnant. Is still protective of the both of them. She actually made Journey laugh for the first time when she was around 4 months. Cas and I had been trying for weeks and all Daisy had to do was run around the living room after this burst of energy.

Journey also loves when we take her on walks. I think she just likes to be carried in the carrier. Those ergonomic…. Ergodynamic… whatever the fuck those things are called… those baby carriers are the best. We just started facing her away from us a couple of months ago when she started leaning back in the carrier more and I swear she’s on cloud 9.

I carry her while Cas rides his skateboard with Daisy pulling him. I keep telling him that it’s not a good idea to let her have full control when he’s riding, but he won't listen. Stubborn bastard. Someday she’s going to see a squirrel that she can't resist and I’m going to laugh.

Tonight, Dad was on the floor with Journey and he was trying to get Journey to scoot for this toy by putting it further away from him. Each time Journey got frustrated, Dad kept moving the toy closer and closer until he all but put the toy in Journey's hand. I think he hates hearing her cry.

Sucker never stood a chance.

Tonight, I looked at everyone around me and all I can think is how thankful I am. Tomorrow I get to introduce my mom’s famous chocolate chip cookies to my daughter and I almost can’t believe it.

I remember in one letter, I wrote “Every day, I live with this constant struggle of who I am now and who I once was.”

Today, I can finally say that after 11 years, I don’t have that struggle anymore. I feel complete. Sometimes, I wish I could tell all the versions of me that it was going to be okay.

I’d tell a 12-year-old me that he needed to ask for help and what he was dealing with was an eating disorder. I’d tell a 14-year-old me that even though his mom had died, that she would always be with him. I would tell 16-year-old me that having diabetes was going to be hard as hell, but… but nothing, it’s just hard as hell. I’d tell a 17-year-old me that the guy who walked into English with a trenchcoat on would be the love of his life soon. After everything, my life has turned out pretty good. I have Cas, Journey, and Kaia, Daisy, my friends, and family and that’s more than I could ever ask for.

Well, this is me signing off.

It's been a wild ride.

Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) I would love to thank everyone who commented and gave me a kudos! This story has such a special place my heart and some of these scenarios I took from my own life. ahahah. I'm just happy it got turned into something amazing and that I got to share it with all of you guys! Again I would love to thank all 4, yes FOUR of my Betas. [Make_your_user_a_name (AO3)](https://tearsofgrace.tumblr.com/), [Thisismeroy (Tumblr)](https://solangelo934.tumblr.com), [Nottodayjjk (Tumblr)](https://nottodayjjk.tumblr.com) and [Hearofcathedrals](https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartofcathedrals/works) (Ao3). Each of them just enhanced this story in different ways and I couldn't have asked for a better team. Also thank you to [Avaarts (Tumblr)](https://avaarts.tumblr.com) for that awesome fanart they did in chapter 28! 
> 
> Like Dean said, it's been a wild ride. Feel free to comment your favorite part or phrase from the story! I'm [Thatsmyphrase](https://thatsmyphrase.tumblr.com) on Tumblr too

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is already finished so see you next Sunday. 
> 
> I love comments and kudos! You can even list some things you’d love to see or any questions you have!
> 
> Make sure to hit the subscribe button so you don’t miss a post 💚🤍💙
> 
> Destiel smut: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24359551 it’s kinda sad. Might write a sequel to make it not sad tho.


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